Poem from our forthcoming Fringe show

I’m embarking on my first foray into kids entertainment at the Edinburgh Festival this year. I’m working alongside the excellent comedians Martin Mor and Paul Curie. Despite a fair bit trepidation I’m sure it will be a great experience. Here’s a wee poem that will feature in the show…

KALED THE LONELY DALEK.

Kaled the Dalek was a sad death machine.

You daren’t beat him at football cos he’d death ray the team.

At scholl they were terrified of his weird Dalek voice.

Extermination to death was his number one choice.

 

I am supreme he quite likes to gloat.

But shouting death threats gives him a sore throat.

 

Kaled the Dalek was rubbish at Rounders.

Catching balls with a plunger meant he did flounder.

With the other hand a ray gun he was no good at drumming.

But if you had a blocked sink he was a dab hand at plumbing.

 

I am supreme he quite likes to gloat.

But shouting death threats gives him a sore throat.

What Kaled yearned for was to meet one like himself.

Who looked like a pepper pot and was a threat to your health.

So he put up an advert with an online dating website.

Elegant glider, diligent worker good in a fight.

For love I could change, for that I could warm.

A wee bit short tempered, typical Capricorn.

 

I am supreme he quite likes to gloat.

But shouting death threats gives him a sore throat.

 

But no one answered this Daleks plea for love.

And from his single telescopic eye a tear he did blub.

But how do you help a Dalek feel loved good and proper?

He nearly wiped out a planet when they said see the Doctor.

 

A Pre Election Thing I Wrote…

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged so now hoping to get back in the saddle…This is a thing I wrote for Narc magazine just prior to the election of 2015…

THE STATE OF THE STATE.

So we have an election coming. I’m reminded of that old joke that goes, “I see we have an election coming. And of course the big problem is…One of them will win it.”

If you don’t know me I for the past two years have run a comedy panel show in Newcastle called Sod the Tories (And Have a nice Week) it’s as militant and angry as the title suggests.

For around 4 years now I’ve turned towards a more politicised style of stand up. Mainly due to the fact I find this government and most of its opposition to be utterly despicable.

I had to do an interview regarding austerity the other day and I found myself making this analogy……”Look I hate to sound predictable but we bailed out the banks to the tune of over 350 billion. Then we blamed the poor for that loss. That’s like having a big dog around the house that makes a terrible mess on the carpet. You say…that big dogs made a terrible mess on the carpet…I know…let’s rub the hamsters head in it.”

The interview suddenly ended. Didn’t even have a producer come on my earpiece and say thanks for that. Cut dead. Nothing,. I actually call that a result.

Once the election result comes in nothing is going to change too drastically. Nick Clegg says he’s still willing to do a deal with the Tories. I can only imagine this one is regarding his redundancy package.

But if you look at the longer game then things are veering off into uncharted territory. If certain folks get their way a Scots immigrant like me might be taking a trip on a get yerself hame van.  I see UKIP have unearthed another couple of racists in their ranks just this month. Well…it’s hardly where’s Wally is it?

Coming from the North we have the SNP. Again Nick Clegg has been making noises by stating…and I quote, “Ed Miliband is hoping to enter Westminster sitting in Alex Salmonds jacket pocket.” Yeah unlike you Nick who did it hanging out of Camerons arsehole.

For 20 odd years I was a pro yes supporter. It was never anything to do with abandoning the working classes of England. For me it was always about giving the establishment a mighty kick up the Trossachs. However, now that we may be putting a proper anti austerity pressure group via the SNP into Westminster I’ve changed track considerably. I’m now totally for better together. So much so I’ve actually gone and joined the Russian Army.

I reckon if tensions rise much more between the Scottish parliament and Westminster they may find a much quicker way to send their Trident missiles back to them.

And finally fighting for the top job we have Messrs Cameron and Miliband respectively. Does anyone care? Not one jot. This pair can relate to peoples genuine needs in about the same way the Yorkshire ripper used to relate to hammers.

The fact that both of these men see the call for more austerity as a vote winner pretty much sums up how detached they are. It’s like being represented by a puddle with autism.

So if we’re to spend another 5 years blaming the poor and the vulnerable for the fact you’re on a zero hours contract, working for less than minimum wage, with enough savings to take out a mortgage on an empty crisp packet and about the same level of trade union rights as a Bernard Mathews Turkey Burger…well by all means stick with the status quo.

But before we go let’s look at some facts. On average people think 27% of social security is claimed fraudulently. It’s actually 0.7%

People think 41% of public money goes on the unemployed. It’s actually 3%.

We actually spend 15 times more than that on pensions. So in our current climate of zero compassion politics the logical step to fixing the economy is to kill your granny.

And for all you kippers out there I’m not keen on Europe either. I think all Europe is doing is paying lip service to mega corporations so they can move cheap labour around the continent. But in saying that I’m blaming the cause not the symptom. Jeezo it’s amazing how just stopping to think for a second can move your thought process from bigotry to nobility.

PS…Yes I know I’ve left the Greens out of this. I’m just sticking with current media traditions. When it comes to the Greens the press pretty much treat them like a Scottish person would…leave them at the side of the plate.

Sod the Tories returns to the Stand Comedy July 27…