A Sleaford Mods outlook on Modern Comedy.

To celebrate the release of a fantastically vitriolic new Sleaford Mods LP this week I’ve written this little ditty as to what I imagine their outlook on modern comedy would be. Please understand no opinions here are mine, they are that of an imaginary Sleaford Mods song….

PANELLED TO DEATH.

How much corporate cock do I suck?

To get on that fucking week that you mock?

How much corporate cock can I take?

My banter can’t get scanter but there’s money there to rake.

Mediocrity prevails.

They’re laughing in the aisles.

The open spot he’s bailed.

Time to fuck of back to Wales.

All artistries set sail.

It’s all gone Daily Mail.

The Booker he’s in jail.

Your wages they have failed.

Some cunt pockets all gross sales.

I’ve got a great idea for a pilot with those Radio 4 celebs.

Really? Here’s my old school tie. Fucking hang yourself you pleb.

But I’ve got observations about shopping centres and bedsit renters, I’m not a dissenter!

Would make a really good presenter.

Jimmy Tarbuck he’s delighted he’s got the final laugh.

Jack Whitehall’s king of comedy to a soulless demograph.

Back in clubland stags and hens ignore an embittered Jock

Hitting air with edgy punchlines all told to an inflatable cock.

How much corporate cock do I suck?

To get on that fucking week that you mock?

How much corporate cock can I take?

My banter can’t get scanter but there’s money there to rake.

Ooh do you get food? Does it come with drinks as well?

Yeah whatever cunt, enjoy yourself. As the staff wish you on to hell.

I’m trying to find the answer.

Not be seen as just a chancer.

Why am I further down the bill

Than some fucking Polish dancer.

Royal variety.

Punchlines of piety.

An attack of anxiety.

Try not upset society.

ROYAL VARIETY.

ROYAL VARIETY.

ROYAL VARIETY.

How much corporate cock do I suck?

To get on that fucking week that you mock?

How much corporate cock can I take?

My banter can’t get scanter but there’s money there to rake.

F**k Austerity.

DISSENT.

PABLOIGLESIAS: “Austerity means that people is expulsed of their homes. Austerity means that the social services don’t work anymore. Austerity means that public schools have not the elements, the means to develop their activity. Austerity means that the countries have not sovereignty anymore, and we became a colony of the financial powers and a colony of Germany. Austerity probably means the end of democracy. I think if we don’t have democratic control of economy, we don’t have democracy. It’s impossible to separate economy and democracy, in my opinion.”

Pablo Iglesias, the head of this new anti-austerity group in Spain called Podemos, which means in English “We can.”

Remember when your high street used to go butchers, independent baker and maybe not a candlestick maker but what was commonly known as the handyman’s, where you could buy candles. But now you look at your high street and it goes…

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F**k Austerity.

PABLO IGLESIAS: “Austerity means that people is expulsed of their homes. Austerity means that the social services don’t work anymore. Austerity means that public schools have not the elements, the means to develop their activity. Austerity means that the countries have not sovereignty anymore, and we became a colony of the financial powers and a colony of Germany. Austerity probably means the end of democracy. I think if we don’t have democratic control of economy, we don’t have democracy. It’s impossible to separate economy and democracy, in my opinion.”

Pablo Iglesias, the head of this new anti-austerity group in Spain called Podemos, which means in English “We can.”

Remember when your high street used to go butchers, independent baker and maybe not a candlestick maker but what was commonly known as the handyman’s, where you could buy candles. But now you look at your high street and it goes charity shop, another charity shop, pay day loan lender, bookies and four Gregs the bakers. Well there are a lot of factors that have caused this but you can bet a weeks worth of foodbank vouchers that austerity has placed a big part in these changes.

To put it simply austerity is class war. It does nothing but make a population suffer. Good old austerity when the billionaires in business tell the millionaires in politics that the rest of us are too greedy.

Austerity almost sounds nice. Like something homely and sensible that your grandparents did during the war (there’s been plenty of them just pick one that suits your age/generation) Austerity is nice and simple like a baked potato and cheese (hold the pickle we’re on an austerity drive here.)

Austerity under recession makes no sense. It just doesn’t work. If we spend the economy gets it back in tax. If we save, or stick money in a tax haven it does nothing. It’s useless.

In the bigger picture of our economic systems the savings we make from the poor are miniscule. And if we keep hammering them then any money we save in shrinking the state will cost us more in crime and malnutrition. Besides this concern about the deficit is a smoke screen. If we went after the unpaid tax in this country we could probably clear it tomorrow.

We’ve had a budget today and it makes for grim viewing if you’re a young person or at the bottom of the social scale. Many of you reading probably think that’s not you…but pause for a second and ask just how easy it could be for you to end up there.

Again this is class war. The so-called welfare state is being eroded. It’s not an economic policy that makes any sense as to end a serious recession. Who runs an economy as a form of punishment? C**ts do…that’s who

So fuck austerity I say. Me and my wife have decided to join the resistance and holiday in Greece this year. We urge you to do the same. Because when this really kicks off they’re going to need all the help they can get…and maybe we’re not too far off being in the same boat as them.

ADVERT!!

I’m heading to the Edinburgh festival. Here’s the front and back of my flyer. Designed by good friend Stewart Robertson. And a great job he’s done as well.  

“We bailed out the banks to the tune of 375 billion pounds. And still the bankers claim their bonuses. We have mega corporations running amok in this country and not paying a penny tax. And we expect the poor and the vulnerable to make up the deficit of the money we’ve lost to this. That’s like having a big dog come around the house and make a terrible mess on the carpet. You say, that big dog has made a terrible mess on the carpet. I know how we can fix this…Let’s rub the Hamsters head in it.”

Dissent final.

Dissent final 2

The Crisis with ISIS…or…How we’ve not managed to bomb peace into the middle east.

I’ve got a new show coming to the Edinburgh Festival this year. It’s called Dissent. Here’s a wee segment from it on our wars. This is not meant to be taken seriously. It’s from a comedy show…

Our war on terror is now looking about as effective as our war on drugs. We should probably have a war on Pandas and then they’d be everywhere.

It’s strange how we’ve not yet managed to bomb peace into the Middle East…

Since Ed Miliband failed at the election the Blairites have been back in the news. David Miliband criticised Ed after the defeat.  He said that Labour should build on what the Blair government achieved.  We would David, but we’re running out of countries to invade.

Because the truth is we’ve played a massive part in destabilising the Middle East. I see Tony Blair has now stood down as a Middle East peace envoy. Well that’s a job well done. You can’t fucking move for peace out there. It’s downright tranquil. Is that a tank over there? Err…no… that’s the mobile library.

A lot of middle class kids like to have gap years. Saying that poor people have gap years as well, we call it the dole.

I’m just saying this because I was chatting to a couple of students and they couldn’t think where to go and I said, “Well Syria seems to be the go to place at the moment.”

If this radicalisation of students continues I’m sure the next video they pop up is going to be some middle class student from Edinburgh called Findlay.

“Hullo there Findlay here…or as I’m now called Findlay Mohamed Corstorphine Koran. I’m having a rare wee time on a wee Jihad…I must admit the poolside rules are a bit strict, no running, no undressing but bombings allowed.

But on the bright side the Humus is the best I’ve ever had and I’ve now got 6 wives. Result! Admittedly 2 of them are men but that’s what we extremists call the burka lottery. Och aye the prophet the noo.”

Jihadi John has been all over the news in Britain.  They keep telling us he had no friends, he was a loner, he didn’t mix well.   I don’t know how they expect me to react to that – am I supposed to feel happy for him that he moved to Syria and made some new friends?

There’s also been a lot of discussion about whether the security services were aware that Jihadi John was an extremist.  I’d have thought the name alone would be a bit of a giveaway.

It’s now been suggested British police should all be armed with Tasers to help combat terrorism. Yes because every time I see a bloke with plastic explosive strapped all around him I think. You know what would help this situation….running 50’000 volts through this guy.

I’ve lived for over 20 years of endless war. I worry that this notion of endless war has desensitised a generation to violence….

Remember this incident. This is when Charles Satchi was photographed with his hand at his wife Nigella Lawson’s throat. Now he dismissed this image as, “nothing more than a playful tiff.”

Saatchi

And me have been dismissing their violent attributes like this for centuries. Look at this image of Vlad the Impaler. He described this as a cocktail party that got a bit out of hand…

Vlad impailer

Or what about this. This is the Nazis marching on Poland which Hitler described as A Stag Do that escalated…

poland

Or finally this. Which president Truman described as…just a bit of banter.

Bomb

We’re completely detached to the plight of the middle East. To us they’re just the brown people across the sea….

I went to Egypt. Just as the Arab spring started. Basically I’d booked my holiday, couldn’t get my money back so we had to go. And I was worried. But my wife’s a Geordie. She was unbelievably stoic in the face of things.

We were watching the riots on telly. 4 days into the riots we were supposed to be leaving the next day. My wife turns to me and says, “Have you noticed on the telly. Everybody in Egypt seems to be wearing jackets and long sleeves. I hope it’s going to be warmer where we’re going.”

I was just hoping they weren’t going to be running around with my head on a pole.

But it was actually great we got there and we got upgraded with our hotel. There wasn’t enough tourists to fill certain hotels so we all got shifted into bigger and quite frankly safer hotels.

But British people don’t like change. There was a chap in front of me checking in at the desk. And he says, “I’m not moving hotel I want to speak to someone in charge.”

And the young Egyptian on the desk was brilliant. He just laughed and said, “Listen sir you are missing the point. Nobody is in charge. We’re having a revolution.”

And my wife says to me. “Don’t you get pissed and start banging onto the Egyptians about revolutions.” Because I’ve got typically Scottish romantic ideas about revolutions. But this just ended up putting the idea in my head. By the end of the night I did get pissed. I rounded up 4 bar staff and a toilet attendant. I said, “Come on we’ll paint ourselves blue and take down Israel.”

But the funniest thing that happened….and this will give you insight into what life’s like on a day to day basis for these poor people…

We flew with Thomas Cook and one night there was a hotel about a mile down the road from us, they were Thomas Cook as well and they were having a quiz night. And it was advertised in our hotel. So I said to my holiday rep, “Can we go to the Thomas Cook quiz night.”

And she says, “Yes you can, but half way down the road there’s an armed security checkpoint. Just say your with the Thomas Cook quiz night and they’ll let you through”

What? That gets me unfettered access to the Middle East. Well we could have saved yourself a lot of trouble in Iraq if we’d just adopted those tactics. Just show up on the Iraqi border. “What do you lot want?”

“Nothing, we’re with the Thomas Cook quiz night.”

Really? Well where are going with all that oil….

Err…that’s first prize.

Did An Immigrant Steal Your Job. No It Was Tesco.

There’s a joke I sometimes do which unlike many of my jokes and stories is based in 100% fact. It goes thus…”I was on the road and found myself in a Tesco supermarket in Wales. As I was putting through my small amount of groceries the young man on the checkout asked if I had a loyalty card? I said I didn’t as there wasn’t a Tesco near where I lived. Really? He exclaimed surprised, Where do you live? I replied, well I’m not telling you otherwise when I get up in the morning there will be a bloody hypermarket at the end of my garden.”

Sadly and ironically since I wrote that short routine there is now a Tesco in the area. It’s about 5 minutes walk from the end of my garden, so I suppose that’s a slight victory.

What’s this got to do with immigrants/Tesco stealing our jobs? I’ll try to explain.

As we know our supermarkets are reliant on farmers. In recent years it’s become acutely obvious that farmers tend to rather employ foreign immigrants to do the heavy labour of harvesting plumbs or carrots etc. The number one reason they give for this, “British folk just wont do the work”

Now there may be a few reason us Brits might be reluctant to do this work but things like having to live in a hut onsite with 20 other folk, you don’t get paid for extra hours and what you do get paid (most of which will go to a rip off landlord) means you probably have to again ironically visit a foodbank despite the fact you’ve been handling the bloody stuff all day. Even UKIP agree these workers are treated badly.

But the idea that Brits are unwilling to do hard work is daft. Have you ever been on an Oil Rig? Did you meet many Bulgarians? No of course not. British folk like any other type of folk are perfectly happy to work in severe conditions as long as the wages are good.

So why is the farmer encouraging such push down economics and doing us all out of work? Well because that’s the only way he can just about stay in profit. Profit margins in farming are now very small. The reason for this is their customer i.e. the likes of Tesco exploit global markets and force them to put the price further and further down. Why get a carrot from Surrey when I get a cheaper one from Lithuania. In a way businesses like Tesco pretty much see people like carrots. And treat them likewise.

Surely this should result in cheaper groceries. Err…no, not now and not ever. Because Tesco then take the massive profits they make from this ideology and share it amongst executives and shareholders. 20 years ago a ton of wheat cost 180-200 pounds. Now it costs around 100. Yay cheaper bread! No. Not for you anyway. But for the executives and shareholders, well you know what they say… Every Little Helps…big style.

Surely our MPs should intervene. What and appear “anti business” Are you mad? Try putting up prices? What in a such a low wage economy as ours. There’d be bread riots!

It’s nuts isn’t it. I can actually sympathise with large sectors of folk that are worried about immigration because it affects those at the bottom more than anybody. I think there’s a ton of folk out there that are anti immigration not because they don’t like foreigners but because the country they live in keeps slamming their faces against a poverty wall. It worries me personally because if this arty farty lifestyle of mine were to stop. I’d be in that group. So tell us your work experience for the last 10 years Mr Scott. Err…telling jokes. OK, well now that, that’s gone have you ever considered fruit picking?

So what does the government do to help those at the whim of these merciless economics? We demonise them. Yeah that’s you ya scrounger. Here’s a tenner for a days work now why don’t you fuck off and take out a mortgage on an empty crisp packet.

I suppose the clues in the title…super…MARKET.