I’ve got a new show coming to the Edinburgh Festival this year. It’s called Dissent. Here’s a wee segment from it on our wars. This is not meant to be taken seriously. It’s from a comedy show…
Our war on terror is now looking about as effective as our war on drugs. We should probably have a war on Pandas and then they’d be everywhere.
It’s strange how we’ve not yet managed to bomb peace into the Middle East…
Since Ed Miliband failed at the election the Blairites have been back in the news. David Miliband criticised Ed after the defeat. He said that Labour should build on what the Blair government achieved. We would David, but we’re running out of countries to invade.
Because the truth is we’ve played a massive part in destabilising the Middle East. I see Tony Blair has now stood down as a Middle East peace envoy. Well that’s a job well done. You can’t fucking move for peace out there. It’s downright tranquil. Is that a tank over there? Err…no… that’s the mobile library.
A lot of middle class kids like to have gap years. Saying that poor people have gap years as well, we call it the dole.
I’m just saying this because I was chatting to a couple of students and they couldn’t think where to go and I said, “Well Syria seems to be the go to place at the moment.”
If this radicalisation of students continues I’m sure the next video they pop up is going to be some middle class student from Edinburgh called Findlay.
“Hullo there Findlay here…or as I’m now called Findlay Mohamed Corstorphine Koran. I’m having a rare wee time on a wee Jihad…I must admit the poolside rules are a bit strict, no running, no undressing but bombings allowed.
But on the bright side the Humus is the best I’ve ever had and I’ve now got 6 wives. Result! Admittedly 2 of them are men but that’s what we extremists call the burka lottery. Och aye the prophet the noo.”
Jihadi John has been all over the news in Britain. They keep telling us he had no friends, he was a loner, he didn’t mix well. I don’t know how they expect me to react to that – am I supposed to feel happy for him that he moved to Syria and made some new friends?
There’s also been a lot of discussion about whether the security services were aware that Jihadi John was an extremist. I’d have thought the name alone would be a bit of a giveaway.
It’s now been suggested British police should all be armed with Tasers to help combat terrorism. Yes because every time I see a bloke with plastic explosive strapped all around him I think. You know what would help this situation….running 50’000 volts through this guy.
I’ve lived for over 20 years of endless war. I worry that this notion of endless war has desensitised a generation to violence….
Remember this incident. This is when Charles Satchi was photographed with his hand at his wife Nigella Lawson’s throat. Now he dismissed this image as, “nothing more than a playful tiff.”
And me have been dismissing their violent attributes like this for centuries. Look at this image of Vlad the Impaler. He described this as a cocktail party that got a bit out of hand…
Or what about this. This is the Nazis marching on Poland which Hitler described as A Stag Do that escalated…
Or finally this. Which president Truman described as…just a bit of banter.
We’re completely detached to the plight of the middle East. To us they’re just the brown people across the sea….
I went to Egypt. Just as the Arab spring started. Basically I’d booked my holiday, couldn’t get my money back so we had to go. And I was worried. But my wife’s a Geordie. She was unbelievably stoic in the face of things.
We were watching the riots on telly. 4 days into the riots we were supposed to be leaving the next day. My wife turns to me and says, “Have you noticed on the telly. Everybody in Egypt seems to be wearing jackets and long sleeves. I hope it’s going to be warmer where we’re going.”
I was just hoping they weren’t going to be running around with my head on a pole.
But it was actually great we got there and we got upgraded with our hotel. There wasn’t enough tourists to fill certain hotels so we all got shifted into bigger and quite frankly safer hotels.
But British people don’t like change. There was a chap in front of me checking in at the desk. And he says, “I’m not moving hotel I want to speak to someone in charge.”
And the young Egyptian on the desk was brilliant. He just laughed and said, “Listen sir you are missing the point. Nobody is in charge. We’re having a revolution.”
And my wife says to me. “Don’t you get pissed and start banging onto the Egyptians about revolutions.” Because I’ve got typically Scottish romantic ideas about revolutions. But this just ended up putting the idea in my head. By the end of the night I did get pissed. I rounded up 4 bar staff and a toilet attendant. I said, “Come on we’ll paint ourselves blue and take down Israel.”
But the funniest thing that happened….and this will give you insight into what life’s like on a day to day basis for these poor people…
We flew with Thomas Cook and one night there was a hotel about a mile down the road from us, they were Thomas Cook as well and they were having a quiz night. And it was advertised in our hotel. So I said to my holiday rep, “Can we go to the Thomas Cook quiz night.”
And she says, “Yes you can, but half way down the road there’s an armed security checkpoint. Just say your with the Thomas Cook quiz night and they’ll let you through”
What? That gets me unfettered access to the Middle East. Well we could have saved yourself a lot of trouble in Iraq if we’d just adopted those tactics. Just show up on the Iraqi border. “What do you lot want?”
“Nothing, we’re with the Thomas Cook quiz night.”
Really? Well where are going with all that oil….
Err…that’s first prize.