Things our prime minister should avoid.

1.Putting your penis in a dead pigs mouth.

2. Putting your penis in a dead pigs mouth in front of witnesses.

3. Putting your penis in a dead pigs mouth and having a photo taken for posterity.

4. Any student initiation ritual involving a dead pigs head.

5. Bacon sandwiches. (And photographers)

6. Prime Ministers question time (for the next month or so at least.)

7. Jewish  festivals.

8. George Orwells Animal Farm. (Some pigs are more equal than others etc…)

9. The wife.

10. Pissing off major conservative party donors.

11. The dead pigs relatives.

12. Social media.  (for the next 6 months or so at least)

13. The entire opposition apart from maybe Nick Clegg.

14. Sticking an apple in their mouth.

15. Frazzles (yes we all know how good they are…but really stay clear!)

16. Scotland (actually maybe the outdoors in general.)

17. Boris Johnson.

18. Getting stoned and listening to SUPERTRAMP??? (This really is weird behaviour. )

19. Bill Clinton.

20. Possibly the next election.

21. Definitely his next erection.

22. Selling very expensive pig sperm to the Chinese.

23. Any form of entertaining his children that involves pigs (Babe, Winnie the Poo, hey kids watch what I can do with this… etc…)

24. Telling lies (porkies)

25. George Osborn cocaine and prostitutes.

26. Mincing his words.

27. The Dewsbury County Conservative associations Pig Racing fundraiser.

28. Spam internet or tinned.

29. Kermit the Frog.

30. Puns involving words and phrases like, dispigable, boared, nose in the trough, it’s snout to do with me, Silence of the hams,  etc…

And finally Rebecca Loos. More than anything…Rebecca Loos.

Author: johnscottcomedy

John has been involved in comedy for 17 years. Here's some nice things people have said..... GLASGOW HERALD. Given that we’ve had indyref, a general election and Jeremy Corbyn since the last Edinburgh Fringe, you might expect there to be more self-confessed “political” comedians around this year. Oh, a lot of acts will dip a toe in “UKIP are nasty” shallows, but it takes someone like John Scott to dive in head-first and punch every hideous sea creature he meets right between the eyes. Before you know it, he’s chewed up and spat out austerity, Margaret Thatcher, the paedophile scandal, benefit fraud, racism, class, homophobia, Mhairi Black and a sneezing attack on a bus (ok, the last one isn’t strictly political, but it is a great anecdote, so worth a mention). He reserves a special venom for Tony Blair and the invasion of Iraq but somehow, filtered through his comedy-club delivery, it doesn’t feel like a soapbox diatribe or a trendy-leftie ticking off: this is political comedy built from the grassroots up, an informed opinion column with a spiky sense of humour. Alan Morrison THE LIST. “Confidently told hilarious tales of class-based woe, nothing missed the mark in a superb set where every story was expertly crafted before being subverted with a killer punch line. After practicing comedy for five arduous years, expect to see his name somewhere big very soon.” THE SUN. “John Scott is an excellent comic and this is without doubt the first step on the road to a long and successful career in comedy." EDINBURGH EVENING NEWS. “ Always plays a blinder. Never hits a dry patch. People were literally in tears of laughter.” THE OBSERVER. “Among the top 5 comics emerging from Scotland.” THE SKINNY “A genuinely gifted comedian.” ADELAIDE ROCKS. “Superb! The stand out stand up of the evening.” 100% BIKER “Possibly the funniest Scotsman alive.”

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