As I’m a comedian (no really) I’ve decided I might start posting up material as I’m working on it. Some of this works and lots of the stuff here has never been tried. There’s an observational thing in here and I don’t normally do that stuff so that may be shit. You can knock observational comedians but it’s really not that easy. Also comedy I don’t think looks as funny on the page, so don’t dissect this too much. As they say comedy is like a frog. If you dissect it, it’s no longer a frog….hope you enjoy some of it.
SET STAND SEP 2015
Good evening. My name’s John Scott. Or as I get called at home jock Scott. That’s a very Scottish name…I’ve a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis broadband miners strike.
TURN OUT JESUS.
So this is a good turn out for a Wednesday. This is better than Jesus would sometimes manage. Think about it the last supper he only got 12…and that was his leaving do.
I would have been furious. “Oh right so if I’m handing out free sandwiches it’s 5000. Turn water into the wine the party goes on for 3 days. Time for me to go now…12! Fucking 12…and one of you is a grass.”
So I’ve just come back from the Edinburgh festival. I don’t know if you know but Edinburgh is famous for firing a cannon at 1-oclock every day. I’ve no idea why. Boom, get back to work you reprobates, or something like that.
Thing is one day I was up near the castle and a bunch of Americans were getting shown around, and I don’t think they’d been warned about our cannon or maybe it’s these days of heightened terror alerts. But when the gun went off they nearly all hit the deck.
It made me think wouldn’t it be fun to just set your watch and just before it went bang sneak up behind them and shout ALLAHU AKBAR!
I’m joking don’t actually do that. Otherwise you’ll end up in Guantanamo doing a very long and drawn out version of the ice bucket challenge.
So I’m a Scottish person. And As a Scottish person I notice that a lot of people look on me a bit like a bellybutton…is he in or is he out. Apparently half the people in the north east want independence from England and join with Scotland. What will we call the place? Newscotasleand?
So we enjoying a drink? I see the government wants to issue new guidelines on binge drinking. According to government figures if you have 4 drinks in one session that’s classed as a binge…Bugger off! That’s not a binge in Scotland…that’s a visit from your auntie.
The government would like to see us drink more sensibly, like they do in Europe. You know it’s not unusual as a child in France to have a glass of wine or a beer with your dinner.
Thing is I reckon if the French had drank four pints of Stella a day instead of two…they might have put up some kind of fight against the Nazis.
I’ve just come back from my holidays in Greece. We saw a great Michael Jackson tribute act. Admittedly he didn’t look much like Michael Jackson…but then again neither did Michael Jackson.
I’m still like a kid when I fly. I still find airports exciting. I start at the train station. If I see somebody with a case, “Oh are you going to the airport? Me too! Maybe we can be pals?”
Then you get to the airport and there’s a big sign saying Newcastle Welcomes You. They might as well stick your name on the end of that. Newcastle welcomes you John! You’re more than welcome. I have to say I’m delighted to be here.
The best bit’s still to come. You go through security…and you don’t beep. That’s awesome every time. You do a wee dance. Better still you turn around and the wife, she’s beeping. YES! She’s getting the full search. You start shouting stuff at the security, “It’s her bra! There’s a lot of scaffolding in it.”
And your mood pretty much stays like that until you get to the departure lounge. That’s when you see the type of person that’s managed to scrape together some money to go on the same shitty package holiday as you. Oh fuck!
And then your mood takes the same trajectory as your flight. Weeeeehhh….and down.
I went to Greece this year. How can people going on holiday look so ill? You should have seen us 200 peasants desperate to go somewhere that people were worse off than us.
I wouldn’t have let half these people on a bus never mind a plane. I saw a woman who had Homer Simpson tattooed on her left tit. Some people see their body as a temple…others a toilet wall.
I swear on my mother’s life on our plane flying to Greece were two guys from NATO. Done up in the full gear with NATO written across their chest. I said, “What the hell are they doing here?” My wife said, “Don’t worry it’s nothing to do with us. It’s probably because of the refugee crisis.”
I said, “Take a look around you…this is a refugee crisis.”
So it looks like our war on terror has been a great success. A bit like our war on drugs. We should have a war on Pandas they’d be fucking everywhere.
I see jihadi John has been back in the papers. Security services say should we have detected Jihadi John earlier…well I thought the name was a bit of a giveaway.
MULTICULTURALISM / RACHAEL DOEZAL
I’m all for multiculturalism. We’ve borrowed from each other’s cultures for centuries. Thing is recently we had the curious case of Rachael Dolezal. She’s a white middle class American who pretended to be an African American activist. Now as I say “borrow” but there’s a line and she kind of pole vaulted across it.
BLACK AND WHITE.
White people don’t know what it is to be black! The last time I got harassed by the police it was because I was committing a crime. I was you I got caught with some drugs. I got away with it. The police said,
“Where did you get your drugs?”
“Err…some black people?”
“Yeah we thought so. What did they look like?”
“Err…well they had dark skin and err…hair”
“Yeah we know them. We thought that’s who it might be. Did you get any names?”
“Names? Err…I think it was Michael, Jermain, Tito…err…Prince and Lenny Henry.”
“Yup we know them. Get a van!”
WHITE MANS PROBLEMS.
White mans problems don’t equate with the black communities problems. I can prove this. We’ve had a big influx of students into Newcastle and a genuine headline in our local press said “Areas of Newcastle are being turned into student ghettos!”
Oh no not a student ghetto! My god I’ve seen them on street corners selling quiche! They make it in their quiche dens. I said I’m not buying quiche from you. Last time I got quiche from you it was cut with flan.
What is crime like in a student ghetto? Last night in a student ghetto a man had a Muller Light stolen from his bit of the fridge.
In other news a man had his duvet stolen during a house party. After examining his bed for DNA police have arrested 23 suspects.
White mans problems! There’s now a super-rich elite living in London who are complaining about foreigners that are richer than them.
A bankers wife wrote into the times and complained that “The Russians have completely distorted the nanny market. We can’t get our children into the right schools because they’re full on aspirational Chinese”
It’s not like that up north. Up north the Romanians have distorted the scratch card market.
As I say I’m all for multiculturalism. I’ve even been getting into Hip Hop. And yes I’m having problems saying that word. You know the one begins with an N, say it to the wrong person ends with a triggah!
Chris Rock says that if white people are talking about Rap or Hip Hop then it’s OK to use the word.
I can see a flaw in that argument. Well what if a bunch of white supremacists form a Hip Hop band. And their first single is, They Never Get Anything Right Dem Niggahs (Especially Chris Rock)