Stand Up Comedy Set 4.

Ok probably shouldn’t put this up yet as most of it hasn’t been tried yet. Or has existed in some ad libs live. This stuff is fairly harsh. I was planning on my next show being called, “The Worst Things I’ve Ever Said.” but then discovered Louis CK uses that term several times in a show of his. So can’t do that. For anybody this may interest this is what material looks like when your developing it. A couple of good bits and some obvious jokes….

INTROS.

Sorry if a sound a bit chesty tonight, I drive a Volkswagen. As soon as I park and get out I’ve got to put on patches. You combine that with the fact I’m Scottish and I like sausages I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of the show.

Not just that me and a mate just raced each other upstairs and he’s Russian so that’s knackered me.

You know the Russians have solved a big question for me. I always wondered why poor people dress in sportswear. Well now we know it’s because like athletes they do a lot of drugs.

DRINK ISIS.

So I haven’t had a drink in over a month now. And it’s not all bad. I really am getting so much done. It’s now become crystal clear to me why ISIS is winning. Hangovers, beheadings and rape to not mix…TBC

PROPER CHRISTIAN,

I don’t like right wingers claiming to be Christians. Because my mums a Christian. And she’s 81 now so she’s ;like a proper Christian. You know what I mean by proper Christian?

That’s right she hates Muslims. I blame the right wing media. it’s their bad influence. According to Fox News ever time you don’t eat your crusts…the Muslims kill a kitten.

You know how you get a little bit more right wing as you get older? She’s getting into some interesting turf with that. It’s not obvious. It’s just little phrases like, “Oh well there’ s just no pleasing some types of people.” or “Well that’s just typical of that community” or , “Oh yeah why don’t you go and open your own schools and isolate yourselves even further …you Islamic thunder cunts.” Just little things like that.

ATHEISTS.

I’m not religious myself but I think there’s a lot more fun to be had from winding atheists than the religious. they’re so angry all the time, “THERE’S NOTHING!” OK calm down. Have a Horlicks.

You know the best sentence you can say to wind up an atheist? It’s this, “Look I’m not really religious…but I’m quite a spiritual person. That drives them insane. 2You don’t even know what that means” they’ll cry. I reply, “Yes I do. I know exactly what it means. It means I’m afraid of dying but I can’t be arsed going to church.”

AMERICAN CHRISTIANS.

It’s the American Christian right that are the real head cases. They’ve just accused Starbucks of hating Jesus for changing the design on their Christmas coffee cups.

I think if you buy coffee at any time of the year from Starbucks then Satan’s already balls deep in your soul.

Do you know people have no rights in America. No holiday pay, no health cover. If a woman has a baby in America she’s not entitled to paid maternity leave.

And yet the American Christians are massively anti-abortion. With those kind of conditions I’m amazed their aren’t women running up out the subway with a lap top in one hand and coat hanger in the other going, “Oh can you pick that up for me. Can somebody get that? I’ve just not got the time.”

You take away a woman’s right to supported mother hood then I’m sorry you’re just going to have to learn to deal with the odd pile of foetal flob.

THE CHRISTIAN MODEL.

And they’re obsessed with the Christian model of the family. I quickly understand their homophobia but single parents get it too. “A woman should not raise a child out of wedlock.”

I don’t know how to point this out to them. But that God guy you’re investing so much time in…He’s a single parent.

FEMINISTS.

Cool has that got all the feminists onside. Cool. Let’s see if I can ruin that. Look I’m all for feminist campaigns. But have you ever been confronted by a really angry one.

I was once at one of my meetings and the subject of pornography came up. So I thought I’d drop in this little anecdote about my mate Jimmy whose mum was OCD. And he knew one day that his mum had eventually found his porn collection because when he returned to it, it was all in alphabetical order.

And a feminist lost it at me. She said, “All pornography is an act of violence towards women.”

So I felt threatened. And what do I do when I feel threatened. I crack a joke. One that I came to regret. So I said, “Actually I think you’ll find that only the really specialised stuff. I’m not into that.”

It’s alright we sorted it out at my disciplinary meeting.

WHALES.

We can’t change everything we’d like to. I think the Whales have had it. The Japanese just find them soooo delicious. Oh they go so nice with noodles. But Japan they’re a sentient being. They have conscious feeling. Can’t be that clever. Look at the size of the ocean and they still can’t find a hiding place. you can hear whale song from 10 miles away. They need to learn how to whisper.

Deep sea world are going to stop using killer whales in their show. They did a film about that didn’t they? Free Willy. Michael Jackson did the theme tune.

Well if anybody had a bit of a free

Willy…

I saw a Michael Jackson impersonator when I was on holiday this year. Admittedly he didn’t look much like Michael Jackson…but then neither did Michael Jackson.

NO ROOM FOR RACISM.

I saw written on a toilet wall recently the words “There’s No Room for racism.”

And I couldn’t help myself but write underneath, “Actually I think you’ll find room 12B at the headquarters of the KKK…that’s probably one.

CHILCOT ENQUIRY.

The Chilcot enquiry is a bit like Cliff Richard…It’s never coming out.

This weeks Milk The Cow Podcast.

Here’s the latest Milk The Cow Podcast. I’m not on this but that matters not one jot. This is one of the best things on the net. AGAIN SITTING AT NUMBER 1 in their category on I-TUNES. have a listen. You’re sure to enjoy.

http://www.milkthecowpodcast.com/podcast/2015/11/6/044milk-the-cow-podcastpope-flag-dag-the-brave-discordianism-httpfestival23orgukthe-apple-core-the-principia-discordia-rosie-mason-eye-witness-report-from-the-calais-jungle

The REAL news. Episode 3. The NHS. (With special guest Dr Rob Galloway A & E consultant)

In the interests of truth and in reaction to the bullshit perpetrated by our established media,  I’ve decided to start posting regular news columns here on the blog. They will hopefully be a mixture of information and some funnies. Please share far and wide.
This is a big one. I have a sister with a chronic illness and I myself am a long term service user of the NHS. Today I received a Facebook message from a woman called Judith who lives in America who wishes to warn of us of the terrible things being done to our NHS and of the grim future these changes will usher in for us all. You can read her thoughts on this at the end of this open letter from one of our A & E Doctors.

An open letter from an A&E doctor:

I am writing to you for your help in trying to stop the unprecedented damage happening to the NHS. Please read, share, like, tweet and tell your friends.

As someone who has the privilege of working for the NHS as an A&E doctor, I see firsthand what is happening. Please trust the real doctors and not the spin-doctors.

The NHS is on its knees and unless things change, it may not survive. It has been attacked, part privatised, demoralised and starved of funds.

We have tried to highlight what is going on; through the media, marches, speeches and endless tweets and facebook posts. But it is not working. Things are getting worse and the NHS, which we all care so much about may soon no longer be able to care for us.
The only things which might save it is if the British public no longer just accept what is happening – but start to fight back. This is above party politics. This is about what we want our society to be like. Fight back for the greatest safety net we have – the knowledge that as a UK taxpayer if we get sick, then we will be looked after; an envy throughout the world.

The NHS was born on the 5th July 1948. Heroes from World War II, no longer wanted to accept a society where if you were rich you would prosper and if you were poor you were left to suffer. It was born in a period of great austerity but money was found because health and welfare was made a priority above all else.

A letter was sent through the door of every citizen. The opening lines were:

“It will provide you with all medical, dental and nursing care. Everyone – rich or poor, man, woman or child – can use any part of it. “

This promise is one we may soon not be able to keep.
The NHS has its problems and needs reform. But its ethos was what made it great; patients before profits, co-operation instead of competition.But the last few years has seen a determined effort to undermine all that is good about the NHS – its socialised system of working for the good of our patients.

The government have started a process of privatisation. Billions have been wasted on re-organisations and competition and contracting out of services to the private sector which have destabilised the hospitals we all use. Despite this, the NHS kept going because of the skills and commitment of its staff.
So, to deliver the politically and ideologically driven plan of reducing the size of the state and selling off the NHS to the private sector – the government have started to attack the staff. Harm the staff and you damage the NHS. A damaged NHS is one which the public would go along with privatising.

If this happens, things will become like the USA where they spend double on health care to what we do, but the money is wasted on profit, beaurocracy and excessive wages and the standards of care are so much lower than in the UK, especially for the poor.
Why are they doing this? It has been their plan all along. The extreme right wing in this country do not believe in working together for the common good. Thy do not believe in the concepts of the NHS. They believe in individuals floating or sinking. Jeremy Hunt even co-authored a book on this 10 years ago in which the authors said the NHS is “no longer relevant in the 21st Century.”
The new contracts they are proposing for junior doctors will mean an exodus of doctors from the NHS. Without these doctors, standards of care will fall, waits will rise and patients will die.
They have said this is about 7 day working. That is just not true. The new contract will harm 7 day working. How do you improve care at weekends if you stop incentivising people to work in jobs with lots of out of hours work by saying evenings and Saturdays are normal working hours.

They have also spun the truth by saying there will be an 11% pay rise to basic pay. But Junior Doctors salaries have a large component made up of supplements because they work so many nights, weekends and evenings. If you cut these payments by more than the basic pay rise it is in fact a pay cut. They have also said they are offering pay protection. But this pay protection will only apply to current doctors in their current posts and the government seem to be hoping that current doctors will happily see their future colleagues get worse terms and conditions. But these future doctors will simply leave the NHS and patients will suffer. You can tell the politicans are lying by simple maths my 6 year old can do. They have said that everyone will get an 11% basic pay rise but the pay envelope will not rise. This does not add up without cutting the pay for those doing out of hours work.
There is so much misinformation and so many lies out there – spun by the politicians and propagated by sections of the press. We need the British public to see through the misinformation, lies and spin and to help us.

Public opinion matters. There may well be a strike by junior doctors. During the strike consultants like me will be doing what we can to make things safe. No one wants the strike – especially not the doctors. They have said they will negotiate with the government as long as the government say they will not impose a contract. That can only be fair – but the government refuses. A strike will be the fault of the government.

If the doctors strike, it would be to protect the NHS and not to harm it. Protect if by forcing the government into a climb down so that they do not bring in these disastrous policies which will lead to so much damage to the NHS.

But it is bigger than just this issue. We as a society must think about our priorities. Do we starve the NHS of resources whilst having tax cuts for millionaires and multinational businesses? Do we value and protect the bankers and speculators who have harmed this country so much? Or do we value and protect the doctors and nurses who heal the country?

We must start to fight back. Do whatever you can to let people know what is happening. Campaign on the street, pubs and ballot box. Contact your MP, sign petitions or join groups such as the NHS Support Federation (www.nhscampaign.org). Even if we win the junior doctor battle and even if Mr Hunt is forced to resign, that is only the first battle in a generational war for the NHS .
Remember what Nye Bevan said on the day the NHS was founded. The NHS will last, as long at there are the folk with the faith to fight for it. We as members of the British public need to have the faith and we need to fight for it.

If we don’t, the NHS which our grandparents so proudly formed, will no longer be there for our children. They may never forgive us.

Yours sincerely

Dr Rob Galloway, A&E Consultant

Here’s what Judith my Facebook friend in America had to say.
“As a US citizen who had to quit working due to chronic auto-immune illnesses, I strongly urge you to take this issue as seriously as possible and do absolutely everything you can think of to save the NHS. I’m familiar with the health situations of many people in the UK through online support groups. Trust me, you most definitely do NOT want privatization and anything like the stress-filled, discriminatory, inadequate, expensive mess we suffer with here, where medical expenses are a leading cause of personal bankruptcy.”
1. OUR GOVERMENTS RESPONSE. 
NHS 7.
AND NOW A FEW IMAGES FROM THE PUBLIC AT LARGE….
NHS 1.
NHS 3.
NHS 2.
NHS 4.
So there you have it. We’d also like to add if you drive a Volkswagen and have a love for sausages now would be a really good time to start getting behind your NHS.
2. WELFARE.
Ok well let’s not panic too much. There may be a few lies being told on the NHS but I’m sure we can trust the government on other issues such a welfare….
NHS 3.
3. JEREMY CORBYN.
Leader of the Labour party and Communist berserker Jeremy Corby has been accused by the Sun News paper of being unpatriotic by not bowing deeply enough at the weekends remembrance service. We asked a news vendor in Blyth Northumbria of his thoughts on this and he directed us towards this…
rmeme 7
So that will be that….
THE SUN.
In other news the Sun newspaper has been voted newspaper of the decade….Unfortunately that decade is the 1970s
CORBYN. 
On other issues Corbyn has claimed he would never press the nuclear button. Well if you can’t trust him to annihilate humanity what can you trust him to do?
RUMOURS.
Other rumours circulating about Corbyn are that every time you don’t eat your crusts he kills a kitten, he saves all his farts in a jar and releases them on Jewish holidays and is regularly known to take 11 items through the 10 item till…the bastard.
LABOUR CONFERENCE.
Still with the Labour party they looked a bit confused recently when they said they would support the Fiscal Charter. Then they said they wouldn’t support the Fiscal Charter. Then they went a bit Admiral Akbar from return of the Jedi and announced…
rmeme 8.
Well that’s it for todays REAL news. Join us tomorrow when we’ll be asking the is there any need for the Tories to spend 15 million on a Margaret Thatcher museum. We already have them. They’re called coal mines. Sleep well if you can.

The REAL news episode 2. Poverty. (With special guest Zoe Williams)

In the interests of truth and in reaction to the bullshit perpetrated by our established media,  I’ve decided to start posting regular news columns here on the blog. They will hopefully be a mixture of information and some funnies. Please share far and wide…

  1. GET IT TOGETHER. (WHY WE DESERVE BETTER POLITICS)

Our first item comes from the pages of Zoe Williams excellent book Get it together (why we deserve better politics.)   

Poverty is a thing in this country. The UK is the most financially unequal country in Northern Europe, containing the richest area -inner London- and fully 9 of the 10 poorest areas (the only one of the bottom ten not in the UK is Hainaut, in Belgium) the poorest 20 per cent in the UK are poorer than any of their equivalents in North Western Europe (closer to the poor of Slovenia and the Czech Republic). Average wages have dropped 4% since 2010 and had been flat since 2003. Since 2008, real median weekly wages-income determined by its purchasing power; that is, a calculation of wages relative to prices – have fallen by 10.2 %: only wages in Greece have fallen by more. Our train fares are the highest in Europe, we have the second highest levels of fuel poverty. Don’t get me started on housing. As of 2014 after housing costs, 14.6 million people were in poverty – this is 23.2 per cent of the population, and 3.5 million of them are children (this is slightly over one in four kids). One in five families cannot afford a trip to their nearest beach.  900’000 thousand people went to the Trussell Trust in 2013 alone for food, and this is not the only food bank chain in the country.

Poverty in this country has been rising since the 1980s. We’ve been patching it up with personal debt, which went up three and a half times faster than national income in between 1977 and 2008.  But all of us – from the office for Budget Responsibility, to the Centre For Social Justice (a right wing think tank), to the Resolution Foundation ( a left wing think tank), the churches, to the schools, to the activists, to the person standing behind the person at a cashpoint who’s freaking out – we all know it’s there. It’s like a suppurating wound; it hurts, and often we can smell it. Yet something stops us from taking off the dressing and having a proper look.

EDITORS NOTE (that bit about us being able to smell it is very middle class…but we’ll let her off…she’s onside)

Conservatives who like to style themselves ‘caring’ won’t talk about poverty because they don’t think it’s real. Authentic poverty, to them, is the international measure of living on $1.25 a day; it’s the difference between being able to afford clean water and losing your children to cholera. It’s the gulf between subsistence and aspiration, the 50 cents between just about holding it together so that you don’t starve and getting at least one of your children to a point of literacy. That is true poverty, and anything else going by the name is a masquerade. Don’t complain that you’re hungry until you are starving. Don’t complain about work place conditions until you’re in Bangladesh and a building has fallen on your head. In other words, don’t complain until you are dead.

2. THE GOVERNMENT  RESPONSE TO POVERTY.

Well thanks for that Zoe and now some thoughts from the conservatives…

DAVID CAMERON SAYS (genuine quote)

MEME 8

SUICIDE RATES….

Under the present government suicide rates have soared. the government response to this…

rmeme 6

OSBORN.

In an effort to appear more down to earth George Osborn recently claimed to be a regular player of Bingo. A Newcastle resident said, “Yeah we’ve all been playing Tory bingo. Everyone is desperate for a full house so we don’t get hammered by the bedroom tax.”  

In a fresh upset it turns out many politicians have a second job – It’s called being an MP.

TRUE STORY. BENEFITS.

A man in Oldham had his benefits stopped for failing to complete a work capability assessment. Our viewers are probably thinking, ‘nothing wrong with that’, however the reason he didn’t complete the assessment is because during it he had a heart attack. EDs NOTE…(This isn’t satire this bit this is 100% TRUE)

attack 2

AND FINALLY…IAN DUNCAN SMITH

Ian Duncan Smith says he wants the disabled to work their way out of poverty. Despite many disabled people being able to work. It’s rumoured he recently put his foot on a drowning man to see if he’d grow gills.

3. THE WAR ON TERROR.

News just in…The war on terror has now been officially declared as successful as the war on drugs. Zoo-zoologists have announced, “Perhaps we should have a war on pandas…and then they’d be everywhere.”

THE WAR. A SUMMARRY.

Recently we initially armed some ‘rebels’ to overthrow the Syrian government, unfortunately they turned out to be ISIS. ISIS are a direct result of our wars on the Taliban and Al Qaeda in Afghanistan and Iraq. Now we’re forming a coalition with the Taliban to overthrow ISIS and help keep the Syrian government in place. Medal of Honour was never this confusing.

Never mind here’s a photo of a sexy Fox news reader.fox news 1

That’s just what people want when they’re watching genocide…To be sexually aroused.

The REAL News…episode 1. The Establishment. (With special guest Owen Jones)

In the interests of truth and in reaction to the bullshit perpetrated by our established media,  I’ve decided to start posting regular news columns here on the blog. They will hopefully be a mixture of information and some funnies. Please share far and wide.

  1. THE ESTABLISHMENT (AND HOW THEY GET AWAY WITH IT)

Our first news item comes from the pages of Owen Jones’ excellent book The Establishment. Over to you Owen.

The status quo may be treated as common sense now, but future generations will surely look back with a mixture of astonishment and contempt at how British society is currently organized: the richest 1000 individuals worth £520 billion, while hundreds of thousands of people have to queue to eat in food banks; a thriving financial elite that helped plunge Brittan into a vortex of economic collapse, which was rescued by over £ 1 Trillion of public money but continues to operate much as before; a reigning dogma that treats the state as an obstacle to be eradicated and shunned, even as the state serves as the backbone for private interests; a corporate elite, dependant as it is on state largess, that refuses to contribute money to the state; a media that does not exist to inform, educate, as well as challenge all those with power, but which serves as a platform for the ambitions, prejudices and naked self interest of a small number of wealthy moguls. More startling to our descendants will be how this was passed off as normal, as entirely rational and defensible, and how institutions run by the elite attempted, with considerable success, to redirect peoples anger to those at the very bottom of society.

Thanks for that Owen. And now over to London and the Chinese state visit.

2. BRITISH STEEL DUMPED ON BY CHINA.  

rmeme 3

The Conservatives now claim to be the party of the workers. Unfortunately for the United Kingdom, that seems to be the party of Chinese workers. They have sold out British Steel workers so China can dump cheap steel on the UK, which is currently trading on the stock exchange at £7.43 and a bag of prawn crackers per ton.

The Conservatives seem pretty laid back about letting the Redcar steel works close.  They probably think they can all just get jobs in the shipyards and coalmines.

MORE…

That’s the trouble with Chinese steel…it’s so incredibly moreish. As soon as you’ve had one batch dumped on you, you immediately want some more.

IVORY.

The Chinese were treated to a speech on ivory hunting from Prince William. We assume he was advising them how to do it properly.

MORE LEFT WING.

It has been noted in the press recently that the Conservative Party are now more left-wing than Jeremy Corbyn.  It’s true.  Jeremy Corbyn wants our power stations and railways built by a socialist state.  The Tories want our power stations and railways built by a communist state.

NORTHERN POWER HOUSE.

It turns out when the Tories were talking about a Northern Power House they meant that gay night club just up from the train station in Newcastle.

3. CHILDREN IN NEED.

And now some quick stories from the up and coming BBC guiltathon Children In Need…

First Gary Barlow O.B.E. (Offshore banking expert)

MEME 13

The Conservatives…

MEME 31

Pudsy Bear…

MEME 32

And finally….

4. JEREMY CORBYN REFUSES TO BOW (EVEN THOUGH HE DID)

It’s been widely reported in the British media (And you know you can trust them kids) That Labour party leader and communist berserker Jeremy Corby refused to bow at yesterdays remembrance services despite global news coverage and footage and around 10’000 paparazzi snaps appearing to show that he did.

Even worse Corbyn (it really is hard to say his name without getting the taste of gerbils in your mouth) then refused to attend a posh VIP dinner after the service and instead opted to stay behind and meet and chat to veterans before attending another remembrance service in his own constituency. The bastard.

On another note here’s conservative MP James Warton sending out some Tweets during yesterdays service…Well at least he bowed his head.

git

Well that’s us for now. Join us again when we’ll be asking why there are more nuclear submarines in Scotland (4) Than MPs that actually want them there (3). Goodnight. Sleep if you can.

 

Milk The Cow Podcast No. 2

DISSENT.

HERE’S THE LATEST MILK THE COW PODCAST. WE JUST HIT NUMBER 1 IN OUR CATEGORY ON I-TUNES!!!!  I’m on again, but ignore that and listen to the lads. I-Tunes top ten in their category. you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll feel rightfully outraged, you’ll want to sleep with all of us (probably not the last one…but hey…print the legend)

http://www.milkthecowpodcast.com/podcast/2015/10/23/043milk-the-cow-podcasttony-seaman-teeside-construction-activistpolice-harassmentjohn-scottsod-the-tories

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