The REAL News…episode 1. The Establishment. (With special guest Owen Jones)

In the interests of truth and in reaction to the bullshit perpetrated by our established media,  I’ve decided to start posting regular news columns here on the blog. They will hopefully be a mixture of information and some funnies. Please share far and wide.

  1. THE ESTABLISHMENT (AND HOW THEY GET AWAY WITH IT)

Our first news item comes from the pages of Owen Jones’ excellent book The Establishment. Over to you Owen.

The status quo may be treated as common sense now, but future generations will surely look back with a mixture of astonishment and contempt at how British society is currently organized: the richest 1000 individuals worth £520 billion, while hundreds of thousands of people have to queue to eat in food banks; a thriving financial elite that helped plunge Brittan into a vortex of economic collapse, which was rescued by over £ 1 Trillion of public money but continues to operate much as before; a reigning dogma that treats the state as an obstacle to be eradicated and shunned, even as the state serves as the backbone for private interests; a corporate elite, dependant as it is on state largess, that refuses to contribute money to the state; a media that does not exist to inform, educate, as well as challenge all those with power, but which serves as a platform for the ambitions, prejudices and naked self interest of a small number of wealthy moguls. More startling to our descendants will be how this was passed off as normal, as entirely rational and defensible, and how institutions run by the elite attempted, with considerable success, to redirect peoples anger to those at the very bottom of society.

Thanks for that Owen. And now over to London and the Chinese state visit.

2. BRITISH STEEL DUMPED ON BY CHINA.  

rmeme 3

The Conservatives now claim to be the party of the workers. Unfortunately for the United Kingdom, that seems to be the party of Chinese workers. They have sold out British Steel workers so China can dump cheap steel on the UK, which is currently trading on the stock exchange at £7.43 and a bag of prawn crackers per ton.

The Conservatives seem pretty laid back about letting the Redcar steel works close.  They probably think they can all just get jobs in the shipyards and coalmines.

MORE…

That’s the trouble with Chinese steel…it’s so incredibly moreish. As soon as you’ve had one batch dumped on you, you immediately want some more.

IVORY.

The Chinese were treated to a speech on ivory hunting from Prince William. We assume he was advising them how to do it properly.

MORE LEFT WING.

It has been noted in the press recently that the Conservative Party are now more left-wing than Jeremy Corbyn.  It’s true.  Jeremy Corbyn wants our power stations and railways built by a socialist state.  The Tories want our power stations and railways built by a communist state.

NORTHERN POWER HOUSE.

It turns out when the Tories were talking about a Northern Power House they meant that gay night club just up from the train station in Newcastle.

3. CHILDREN IN NEED.

And now some quick stories from the up and coming BBC guiltathon Children In Need…

First Gary Barlow O.B.E. (Offshore banking expert)

MEME 13

The Conservatives…

MEME 31

Pudsy Bear…

MEME 32

And finally….

4. JEREMY CORBYN REFUSES TO BOW (EVEN THOUGH HE DID)

It’s been widely reported in the British media (And you know you can trust them kids) That Labour party leader and communist berserker Jeremy Corby refused to bow at yesterdays remembrance services despite global news coverage and footage and around 10’000 paparazzi snaps appearing to show that he did.

Even worse Corbyn (it really is hard to say his name without getting the taste of gerbils in your mouth) then refused to attend a posh VIP dinner after the service and instead opted to stay behind and meet and chat to veterans before attending another remembrance service in his own constituency. The bastard.

On another note here’s conservative MP James Warton sending out some Tweets during yesterdays service…Well at least he bowed his head.

git

Well that’s us for now. Join us again when we’ll be asking why there are more nuclear submarines in Scotland (4) Than MPs that actually want them there (3). Goodnight. Sleep if you can.

 

Author: johnscottcomedy

John has been involved in comedy for 17 years. Here's some nice things people have said..... GLASGOW HERALD. Given that we’ve had indyref, a general election and Jeremy Corbyn since the last Edinburgh Fringe, you might expect there to be more self-confessed “political” comedians around this year. Oh, a lot of acts will dip a toe in “UKIP are nasty” shallows, but it takes someone like John Scott to dive in head-first and punch every hideous sea creature he meets right between the eyes. Before you know it, he’s chewed up and spat out austerity, Margaret Thatcher, the paedophile scandal, benefit fraud, racism, class, homophobia, Mhairi Black and a sneezing attack on a bus (ok, the last one isn’t strictly political, but it is a great anecdote, so worth a mention). He reserves a special venom for Tony Blair and the invasion of Iraq but somehow, filtered through his comedy-club delivery, it doesn’t feel like a soapbox diatribe or a trendy-leftie ticking off: this is political comedy built from the grassroots up, an informed opinion column with a spiky sense of humour. Alan Morrison THE LIST. “Confidently told hilarious tales of class-based woe, nothing missed the mark in a superb set where every story was expertly crafted before being subverted with a killer punch line. After practicing comedy for five arduous years, expect to see his name somewhere big very soon.” THE SUN. “John Scott is an excellent comic and this is without doubt the first step on the road to a long and successful career in comedy." EDINBURGH EVENING NEWS. “ Always plays a blinder. Never hits a dry patch. People were literally in tears of laughter.” THE OBSERVER. “Among the top 5 comics emerging from Scotland.” THE SKINNY “A genuinely gifted comedian.” ADELAIDE ROCKS. “Superb! The stand out stand up of the evening.” 100% BIKER “Possibly the funniest Scotsman alive.”

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