Some distinct personality traits of Cat and dog people…

I lifted the below piece of informed journalism and in no way obvious piece of click bait from the Huffington PostSo below that I’ve added some of my own thoughts…

“Cats are unpredictable, but that’s not entirely true of cat owners. So-called “cat people” tend to share a lot of the same personality traits, as studies have proven having a cat at home can say a lot about a person’s character, health and dating life.

For example, News reports research shows cat owners often exhibit introverted qualities, especially compared to dog owners, who tend to be more outgoing and energetic. Cat owners have also been found to be smarter, more sensitive and more non-conformist than their canine-loving counterparts.

But that doesn’t mean those with fancy felines win the age-old cat people vs. dog people debate: While there are great health benefits to owning a pet of any kind, cat owners also earn fewer health benefits than dog owners. And as for relationships, there may be some truth to that single cat lady stereotype.”

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Really don’t like cats or worse still cat people.

CAT PEOPLE.

  1. Completely indifferent to dogs and dog people. But my god why have your life constantly dictated to by some idiot animal that requires constant exercise and an on hand toilet attendant.

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Are more extrovert and socially will point out, “I’m a people person.”

CAT PEOPLE.

  1. 57% of cat people are Nazis/super villains on the run. They see people as collateral.

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Crave unconditional love.

CAT PEOPLE.

  1. Can see the benefits of enforced population control.

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Stand a better chance of being rescued in a natural disaster by their pet.

CAT PEOPLE.

     4. Caused the so called “natural disaster” from inside their secret volcano base.

DOG PEOPLE.

     5. Only 2% of people don’t like dogs. This could explain the term mans best friend.

CAT PEOPLE.

     5. 27% of people don’t like cats. The cats seem indifferent to this.   

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Clips of dogs doing cool things they’ve been trained to do are popular on the internet.

CAT PEOPLE.

  1. Clips of cats just being cats are more popular. Cats are trained in improvisation by the Russian masters.

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Now that the 5 pence plastic bag charge has been introduced economically Dog owners are on a shakier footing.

CAT PEOPLE.

  1. If your lonely aunt is a cat person have a look in her spare plastic bag drawer. Your inheritance has now gone up by around 60 quid.

DOG PEOPLE.

  1. Dog people can control their pet through scolding. The dog will show fear and submission by putting their tail between its legs.

CAT PEOPLE.

    8.  When a cat is scolded they tend to call in their secretary to take an accurate dictation of your complaint. All points will      then be considered and held against you as evidence at a future time.

DOG PEOPLE.

    9. Dog people feel more protection from burglars.

CAT PEOPLE

    9. Accept that “Cat” is a type of burglar.

DOG PEOPLE.

    10. Dog peoples pets enjoy sitting on their lap because they love them.

CAT PEOPLE.

     10.  A cat persons pet will sit on their lap because they are warm…even for the short period after death. Once the body cools they’ll move in with a neighbour.

DOG PEOPLE.

  11. A dog person can turn 1000 dogs into their own personal army.

CAT PEOPLE.

     11. Even God could exercise no control over 1000 cats.

DOG PEOPLE.

     12.  Can identify with their pet on an almost human level. If dogs could talk they’d be in endless conversation.

CAT PEOPLE.

    12. If cats could talk they’d probably still ignore you.

Comedy Outlaws no. 5. Billy Connolly…and the Crucifixion.

As a Scots comedian of a certain age there obviously must be one influence on me that stands head and shoulders above any other. When I was a very young kid I always wanted to be a Sex Pistol. Then my brother came back from University with Billy Connelly’s first albums and I discovered there was another thing you could be that’s just as exciting.

In my journey as a comic I’ve known a couple of comics who became famous that never rated Billy. I’ll not mention names the clue’s in where I live. After that I never really rated them. I can forgive younger comics not knowing him or finding the humour a bit distant. However I really do feel if you’re a comic and you don’t have some place in your work/heart for him then you really shouldn’t be doing the job.

The routine I’d like to discuss here I hadn’t listened to in some time. I was worried it might be dated. I’ve just listened to it now and I’m over the moon with how good it is. In fact after hearing this again I’ve decided I’m going to spend the coming months collecting his work and falling in love with him all over again. The routine of the Crucifixion is now 51 years old and it’s as hilarious and vibrant and at times risky now as it was when it was being touted around halls and working men clubs in the 70s.

Recorded at a small venue, The Tudor Hotel in Airdrie, it’s from the double album (vinyl) titled Solo Concert. I would urge anyone to seek out the whole thing. Releasing a live double-album by a comedian who at the time was virtually unknown (except to a cult audience in Glasgow) was an unusual gambit by the people behind it but their faith in Connolly’s talent was duly rewarded and they successfully promoted the album to chart success on its release in 1974.

What put’s Billy among the comedy Outlaws is a thing that people often don’t credit him with. He has constantly throughout his prestigious career tackled some of the darkest or potentially most offensive of subject matters. From many meditations on religion, to disability to causing outrage with a routine on hostage Kenneth Bigley (About which he says he was quoted out of context) But through force of personality and more likeable charm than a million Macintyre’s could ever hope to muster has so far only ever managed to offend exactly the sort of person you really hoped he would. Upon his debut on the TV chat show Parkinson in 1975 he told a bawdy joke about a man who had murdered his wife and buried her bottom-up so he’d have somewhere to park his bike. His own management had begged him not to do so.  He made the right choice and ignored their advice and his bawdy humour was a sensation. Stardom came rapidly and he became good friends with Parkinson himself. He still holds the record for most appearances on the show at 15.

In saying that he offended the sort of person you hoped he would among the more famous of the morally outrraged were Pastor Jack Glass and self-anointed morality police officer in Chief Mary Whitehouse.

Jack Glass was Described by the Rev Ian Paisley as “a bit of an extremist” Jack vehemently denied being a bigot but actively attacked and campaigned against, amongst other issues, the decriminalisation of homosexuality and rights for gay people, Nelson Mandela and the African National Congress, the Papal visit to Scotland, the Catholic Church, in fact, against anything or anyone who didn’t fit into his extreme Calvinist view of the world as being dominated by the Power of Darkness. And naturally, anyone who disagreed with Jack was a servant of Satan.

Perhaps it’s a bit cynical to say it but Jack was never one to pass up the opportunity for a bit of self-promotion, and one of his most notorious escapades was when he began picketing Billy Connolly’s concerts on the grounds that he regarded Connolly as a blasphemer. The cartoonist Malkie McCormick lampooned him in his weekly “Big Yin” strip in the Sunday Mail, by having a piece of graffiti on a wall saying, “Jack Glass is a wee pastor”. He died of cancer with which upon being diagnosed was quick to blame Satan for his malady. Looks like the Devil won in the end. Connolly himself credits him with being a fantastic help in selling out his early tours. Bringing him the type of publicity you just can’t buy. He dismissed the campaigns by Mary Whitehouse against him with the fantastic line, “Who wants to be told what to do by someone who’s name rhymes with toilet?”

So I’ll end this wee tribute to my hero by encouraging you to go find and listen. I’ve posted the full Crucifixion routine here plus another favourite. The former routine is just rammed with great one-liners and hilarious characterisation. “Jesus doesn’t need to come to the boozer. He can make a bucket load at home.” “I cured a deaf and dumb guy. His first words…Is it alright if I’m a protestant” “I got arrested by the Romans. I thought should be alright it’s my first offence.”

Scottish humour has always had a layer of darkness in it. That probably comes from it being a wee bit tough to live there. It exists in my humour and many of my fellow Scots comedy comrades. I’m actually proud of it. Comedy should be a rollercoaster ride. It should be exhilarating and a wee bit scary. I don’t think anybody will do it better than Billy when he’s on to a good one. He generates a thing that few comics can. Rolling laughter. Sure we can all get a big laugh or applause break but very few can induce hysteria. He has consistently throughout his life. He is the king of comedy as far as my not so humble opinion is concerned. Although I don’t think he’d appreciate being called King Billy for reasons to obvious to explain to those not from Glasgow. He still makes me fall on my side on the couch when I’m watching him and he should be credited with giving most of us a job. No Billy no modern comedy scene. It’s as simple as that. Enjoy.

Stand up comedy. Set 3.

And here we are still working up the routines for those whom it may be of interest to. Here’s some stuff we put out over the weekend….

BEE-GEE.

I’m always saying I look a bit like a homeless Bee-Gee. But when you think about it the Scots are quite like the Bee-Gees. We’re hairy, we like to sing…and two thirds of us die prematurely.

In fact sorry if I sound a bit chesty tonight, but I drive a Volkswagen. You combine that with fact I’m a Scot and I like sausages and I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of this set.

HEALTH.

I see the government want to raise retirement age in this country to 70. Which means most men in Scotland will enjoy their retirement 20 years after they’ve passed away.

We’re just not healthy. Life expectancy for a man in certain areas of Scotland is 57! Mind you if you live in Dundee…that’s probably enough.

Good old Dundee where the heroin comes in batter.

DIET

I’m still a bit tubby me but I was really over weight not so long back. My young smug doctor recommended I go on a diet. He said, “You’re now 16 stone. You’re clinically obese.” And then he asked, “How do you think this has happened?

How did I think  it had happened? I felt like getting a hold of his stethoscope and shouting into it, “Err…Cheese burger and chips please.”

So I went on a diet. And it was horrible. This diet was so austere as a treat I was brushing my teeth for a pudding. So what I do now to improve my diet is I watch Master Chef. Because before I watched Master Chef lunch for me would be a pie and a blob of brown sauce. But not since watching Master Chef. No, what I do now is I put the pie in the middle of the plate…and I drizzle the brown sauce around the edge of the plate.

DEAD BRIAN.

I’ve never been the most healthy of people. At school I was never very good at sports. I used to get called names…things like…goalkeeper.

I’m becoming aware of my mortality now, because there’s a thing that happens in your 40s that you don’t expect…a couple of your friends get ill and die. You get this really ominous phone call that starts with, “Hullo…Have you heard about Brian?”

Now when you get a phone call that starts with Hullo have you heard about Brian…there’s only two things that Brian could have done. He’s either touched a kid or he’s dead. Thankfully ladies and gentlemen he was dead. It was such a relief. Well I was getting suspicious…he’d been watching a lot of Rasta Mouse.

TREE.

I have to watch now. I used to live excessively. I used to do a lot of drugs. Hell, we used to drug drive. Well my mate Jimmy would drive and I would roll the joints. It really does affect your judgement. One day I glanced up from my rolling and said, “Hey Jimmy man look out we’re going to hit that tree. No really…Jimmy! Look out there’s a tree right in the middle of the road…Oh no, hang on a minute…It’s the air freshener.

PERMA STONE.

I was perma stoned man. I was always doing that thing where you wander into a room and then ask…why did I come in here? What’s that?…..Oh I see…This is where I work.

SOBER OCTOBER.

I’ve been trying though…I’ve just done the whole Sober October thing. And I’ll try to keep going on into Just say no November. I’ll probably relapse during the festive period. That will be can’t remember December. Jacked up January. Fucked for February…in a morgue by March.

Thing is I don’t really trust people that don’t drink. Hitler didn’t drink. Apparently one pint and he turned into a right bastard.

SCARY STORY.

You’re always learning about yourself. I recently discovered I’m still afraid of the dark. I did a gig in December and got of as train in the countryside in the evening and it was already dark. My Google maps said I can either pay 10 pounds in a taxi to get me to the gig…or…there’s a 15 minute shortcut across the moors. That’s the actual words it used…across the moors. Everybody knows you shouldn’t cross the moor. That’s where the werewolf lives!

But I thought to hell with it. I’m saving a tenner. 10 minutes in I was shitting myself. It was pitch dark and I hear a coughing noise coming from a field. That’s a sheep I told myself…they’re notorious for their tickly throats…it’s all that wool.

A few minutes later things got worse. I went into a valley and came to a tunnel. It was too late to turn back now. So I was edging my way through pitch darkness in this tunnel. By now I’ve got a small pair of scissors that I use to trim my beard held out in front of me. Had anybody just stepped out of the darkness and said good evening…fuck it…they were getting stabbed in the throat.

And then I realised…This is how friendly fire happens. I’m in the country and I’m terrified of a sneezy sheep.  Imagine if you were at war. If you were spread out. What’s that noise. Who goes there? No answer. fuck it I’d fire. And that’s when it happens. Shit that was one of us.

Well, it happens all the time this is a war after all. Never mind I’ll make the phone call…hello…have you heard about Brian?

Just what is so remarkable about Mr David Bowie?

I wrote this a couple of months before our beloved hero passed away. Thought is was worth another visit and have updated a wee bit….

 

I’m what’s known as a Bowiephile. It’s a term used to describe a fanatical David Bowie fan. I once read that the only fans that match the dedication of Bowie fans are the followers of Elvis. I think I agree with that. The first blog I was going to write about the Great Dame David, The Grand Poobah of alternative rock, soul, electronic, folk, dance, disco…etc…etc…etc was going to be about my journey as a fan. But then a more fun idea came to me. There is no way everyone will agree with the points raised here. Not all of it is meant to be taken seriously. Listen to me, don’t listen to me. Talk to me, don’t talk to me. Dance with me, don’t dance with me. No. …err…Beep Beep!

  1. He invented the Mullet.

OK maybe not the greatest of claims. It is possibly the most derided haircut in history. But here’s the point, not only was he the visionary of this two haircuts for the price of one style…he’s the only person in history that it actually suited. Not only that, but after a series of failed attempts at stardom, once he did change the hair fame came like a juggernaut. Which makes that particular haircut probably the most successful in Rock and Roll history.  Others have tried and failed miserably. See Bono, most of the planet in the 1980s.

Bowie.

Awesome Mullet.

Bono

Bad/smug mullet

MULLET2

sports mullet.

mullet 3

Only Ziggy can save him now…

  1. He wrote, co-wrote and produced co-produced 4 of the most influential albums of all time IN ONE YEAR!

1977 is a big year in modern music history. While punk was shaking the rock establishment tree and finishing off the hippies Bowie managed to sidestep the whole commotion by retreating to Berlin and putting in a fairly decent effort to get off the fame juggernaut that had now ploughed into a snow drift sized pile of cocaine.

I’m cheating slightly with this. I think the creative period that these four albums were put together took place over 14 months. But why get pedantic when you realise what albums they were. Low, Heroes for himself and Iggy Pops The Idiot and Lust for Life.

Let’s just list some of the songs from those sessions…Sound and Vision, Be My Wife, Heroes, Sons of the Silent Age, China Girl, Lust For Life,  The Passenger, Night Clubbing…Several of these have went on to iconic status.

Heroes is remarkable in that not only being one of his greatest anthems but when he does it live at times he’s improved on the original recording. I’ve posted such an example below.

Interesting fact. The brilliant riff on Lust for Life is often credited to being lifted from The Supremes You Can’t Hurry Love. And drummer Hunt Sales does seem to get some inspiration from this. However the real inspiration came from the Armed Forces Network, station ident (They both watched this lot in Germany. In particular Starsky and Hutch) which was a radio conning tower (like the old RKO logo) giving off a staccato signal: BEE.P-beep-beep, BEEP-BEEP-be-BEEP. One night, watching TV with Pop in his apartment, Bowie took his son Duncan’s ukulele and played the AFN riff on it. The two started building up a song. “Call this one ‘Lust for Life’,” Bowie said.

  1. He has continuously left potential big hits on his albums unreleased as singles.

As we well know when Bowie is on form he not only creates phenomenal albums he’s also an extremely adept hit writer. In fact so good is he at writing such hits that often throughout his career including right up to the present day he doesn’t even bother releasing them. It’s been said he does so for the simple savvy marketing device of getting folk to invest in the LP. It’s also been said to drive record company bosses to distraction. I’ve put a list of songs I believe could have been hits. No way anyone will agree. But I’ve also posted a couple to help prove my point.

Wild Eyed Boy From Free Cloud, The Man Who Sold The World, Oh You Pretty Things, Queen Bitch, 5 Years,  Lady Stardust, Cracked Actor, Rock and Roll With Me, Word on a Wing, Always Crashing In The Same Car, Sons of The Silent Age, The Secret Life of Arabia, Fantastic Voyage, Bus Stop (Tin Machine) , No Control, Survive, Everyone Says Hi, A Better Future, Fall Dog Bombs The Moon, The Next Day (Ok the last one had a video made but was only released as a limited edition white vinyl. And it’s from his latest albums and is one of his best efforts ever!)

OR THIS FROM BLACK STAR…

  1. He’s quite the collaborator.

Not just a great solo artist but he’s knocked out some formidable collaborations. From producing Iggy to Lou Reeds Iconic Transformer LP. Sits down with John Lennon for 5 minutes and knocks out his first American number 1 in the shape of the song Fame. Does a Christmas song with BING CROSBY. No way should it work…but it does (Incidentally a lot of people believe the Peace On Earth part of the song to be based on a traditional arrangement. It’s not, it was written especially for the track.) Get’s together with Queen and knocks out one of the best songs either of them ever made, which is not bad considering their respective back catalogues. Actually gave us all a not bad laugh with Mick Jagger by sending themselves up. All the Eno stuff. Has also appeared alongside Arcade Fire, Marc Bollan, Goldie, Mott The Hoople, Lulu, Adrien Belew, Tina Turner, Placebo and err…Scarlett Johansson.

  1. He’s from outer space AND the future.

Space Oddity is now over 45 years old and it still sounds like it could have been recorded next week. From its twin vocal approach to the human condition capturing words of “Planet earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.” Which is as relevant today as it was in yesteryear. And your heart still soars at the “Tell my wife I love her very much…SHE KNOWS” bit every time.

Not only were we introduced to him as a man from outer space, his first band proper were from Mars and he was a man who fell to earth.

All that aside he is a major fan of science fiction which has gone on to influence his son Duncan Jones being one of the hottest new sci-fi/fantasy film directors currently in Hollywood.

Even in his later less innovative years he was the first artist ever to release a song only available on digital download. At the time they said it would never catch on. If I was him I’d be after a percentage from I-Tunes.

But the surprise biggie was his last album The Next Day (still got one eye on tomorrow.) It was as fresh and as relevant as anything from his golden era. It also got him his mystique back which is pretty impressive after 50 odd years at the game.

He has a new single Blackstar out on November the 20th and an album of the same name will be released on his birthday in January. For the first time in a quite a while that’s a really exciting prospect.