New Year. New Hair.

2015 the best bits.

1st Wedding Anniversary.
Doing a children’s show with Martin Mor
Seymour Mace gets nominated.
Discovering Hip Hip-Hop’s Golden Era
Seeing Public Enemy Live
Gogol Bordello live
The Prodigy live.
Becoming FB friends with a genuine Midnight Runner.

Milk the Cow Podcast and hitting the top of I-Tunes chart thanks to their awesome talent.
Milk the cow rave.
The Milk the cow community in general.
Sod the Tories And have A Nice Week does the best shows we ever have (Huge thanks to all involved. Special mention for my awesome helpers John Gibson and Stewy Robz who have gone above and beyond the call of duty. And big thanks to all that came to see us.)
Lauren Pattison gets signed to top agency.
Blue Collar starts to get put together. Mega thanks to Allan Donaldson for giving me the push needed.
Free Thinking Radicals. launching soon.
Wrote the best Fringe show I’ve so far managed.
Show got great reviews.
The 8 young black people that came to see the show and went into meltdown laughing during the segment on bigotry and race then took me out and got me drunk.
The Tower café gigs and the hippies that attend.
All the old school friends who came to see me in Edinburgh.
Meeting my nephew Sean for the first time.
Bowie’s back
Got accepted to Uni.
Headlining weekends at The Stand.
Jeremy Corbyn for PM
The Durham Miners.
North East Miners Wives Oral History Project
Newcastle.
Jack White.
M.U.F.F. is brilliant. Well done Kai Humphries, Daniel, Jojo Sutherland, Tom Stade and all involved.
HAIRCUT.
A big thanks to all the folk who employed me. Always massively appreciated. x

Scotland continues to complain.

Dr Who IS Scottish.

Ban the bomb.

Refugees welcome.

Being abducted by MI6.

Lesley Gair.

Have a good new year everybody. I’m fully aware it’s never ever plain sailing. I got my worries too. Focus on the good bits. Onwards and upwards. xx

A Christmas story….Sanity Clause

A wee thing I wrote for a charity book of Christmas related stories by comedians…

 

“Sanity clause? Sanity clause? There ain’t no sanity clause.” So goes the Joke between Chico and Groucho from the Marx brother’s movie A night At The Opera.

It had been ringing in his head for months now. It was an acute reminder of people’s lack of belief. A belief that people are told they should grow out of. Silly people.

But it was that very lack of belief that had put him where he was.

Cornhill psychiatric hospital wasn’t the worst place to spend an entire year. The food wasn’t bad and he’d made good friends with many of his fellow patients. Some of them were quite happy to accept he was the real Santa Clause. But now he was full of an almost electric excitement. He was thrilled with the knowledge that 10 minutes from now the magic would kick back in and his powers would come back.

 

Most people think that Santa is magical all year round, but that’s not how it works. The magic window lasts four hours between midnight and 4 a.m. on Christmas day. That’s when he can be everywhere, with every present, for every person, assisted by his loyal reindeer.

 

Ah yes the loyal reindeer. It was those very guys that had helped put him in this situation. But even after a year in a psychiatric hospital he didn’t really blame them for staging a walkout on Christmas day. Santa knew who the real villains were. You see, what people don’t understand is that Santa and his reindeer are essentially a voluntary organization. They don’t get paid for the work they do. They rely on donations from the public. Perhaps I should add…the public that believe.

But in recent years those donations had dried up. They were disappearing because of all the bankers, corrupt politicians, non-tax paying corporations and an elite group of people that wanted to keep all the planet’s resources and money for themselves.

And so Santa hadn’t been able for the third year in a row to give the reindeer their bonus. It was because of this that Rudolf, Dasher and Blitzen had staged a walkout. But this didn’t make Santa angry. Now that he knew the reindeer would be back to get him in 7 minutes time it actually made him smile. Good old socialist Rudolf. People always misunderstand why his nose is red.

 

So with minutes to go and the magic set to kick back in Santa made a mental note. He made a note that all the bankers, the politicians and general greedy bastards of the world were to be put on the naughty list. No more presents for them. People also misunderstand why Santa’s outfit is red. Silly people. What other type of person but a socialist would spend all year working as a volunteer, to bring happiness to all the children of the world for the rest of eternity. And despite three of his fastest reindeer staging a walkout, he would press ahead anyway and make his absolute best effort to make Christmas happen.

 

But it was because of all that good will that he’d ended up here. You see with three of his fastest reindeer out on strike, the magic sleigh was running at twenty per-cent less than normal speed. That is why he never made it back to Greenland in time. The magic wore off at 4 a.m. And when the magic wears off the presents disappear, the sleigh disappears; the costume disappears and most importantly of all the reindeer disappear. And so at 4.01 a.m. on Christmas day he found himself stuck. Magicless, in Aberdeen.

 

It put a wry smile on his face now that he’d been so naive. He’d spent so much of his time away from people during his working year that he’d forgotten people had stopped believing. That’s what happens when the world treats them unfairly and makes them sad.

So when he approached a police man early on Christmas morning asking for directions to Greenland…Well, you can fill in the rest of that story for yourselves.

 

But all that was in the past now… Counting down… 5 seconds to Christmas day…5, 4, 3, 2, 1. WHOOSH!

That was the noise the magic made when it kicked back in. WHOOSH! And his costume reappeared upon him. People who saw him that night swore he actually sparkled. WHOOSH! And the sack was on his back. WHOOSH! And his boots and belt fastened upon him. WHOOSH! And in the distance you could hear the sound of sleigh bells. Sleigh bells being drawn by magic reindeer. Fast magic reindeer.

And with all that Santa began to laugh. A laugh filled with the purest of joy. ”Ho, ho, ho!”

But before Santa made his way magically around the world he wanted to do something he’d never done before on Christmas day. He wanted some people to see him.

He made his way out of his own room and headed for the depressed people’s ward. All the doors were obviously locked in the hospital, but that can’t stop Santa. As all the believers know very well that he has a magic key. (The one that he uses for houses that don’t have chimneys)

When he arrived at the depressed people’s ward he took a deep breath…and then threw the doors open. “Ho,ho,ho! And a merry Christmas to one and all.”

And JUST LIKE THAT! Twenty depressed people were cured of their malady. Because now they had something to believe! Santa had reminded them there is always love in the world.

Then he headed up to the deluded peoples ward. Another deep breath, “Ho, ho,ho! And a merry Christmas to one and all. And JUST LIKE THAT thirty deluded people felt better about the world. Because now they knew that some of their strange ideas are obviously correct!

Finally on that magic night Santa made his way to the staff room. He wanted to thank them for all the hard work they do throughout the year. A final deep breath. “Ho,ho,ho. And a merry Christmas to one and all.”

Some of the staff nearly shat themselves. And with all blessings to all the good people of Cornhill Psychiatric hospital done, Santa climbed out the window and onto his sleigh. All the striking reindeer were delighted to see him again. WHOOSH! And he was gone.

Back in the staff room the chief psychiatrist turned to a doctor and said, “Well what would you call that?”

The doctor replied, “That my good friend, I would call a misdiagnosis.”

 

THE END.

Stand up comedy set 5.War on Terror (Excert from forthcoming solo show)

Here’s a wee bit from my forthcoming solo show to be recorded at Newcastle Stand comedy club on Jan 25th for release on I-Tunes…hope it makes you chuckle/think…

 

ICE BUCKET-1-O-CLOCK GUN.
You know when the incident in Paris happened I thought I’m going to have to stop joking about these things for a bit. Then I thought no fuck it that’s what ISIS wants. So fuck that. Incidentally who wants to see my tattoo of Mohammed?
So I’ve just come back from the Edinburgh festival. I don’t know if you know but Edinburgh is famous for firing a cannon at 1-oclock every day. I’ve no idea why. Boom its 1-oclock, get back to work you fucking alcoholics, or something like that.
Thing is one day I was up near the castle and a bunch of Americans were getting shown around, and I don’t think they’d been warned about our cannon or maybe it’s these days of heightened terror alerts. But when the gun went off they nearly all hit the deck.
It made me think wouldn’t it be fun to just set your watch and just before it went bang sneak up behind them and shout ALLAHU AKBAR!

ICE BUCKET.
Don’t really do that by the way, fuck you do that you’ll end up in Guantanamo doing a very long and drawn out version of the ice bucket challenge.

PANDAS.
So the war on terror that’s going well, it’s been a bit like the war on drugs. We should have a war on Pandas they’d be everywhere.

RECAP.
Lets have a quick recap on how that’s working out. So we initially armed some “rebels” to overthrow the Syrian government, but those “rebels” turned out to be ISIS. ISIS are a direct result of our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq against the Taliban . Now we’re hoping to form a coalition with the Taliban to overthrow ISIS and keep the Syrian government in place.
Thank Christ Medal of Honour was never that confusing. Mind you I’ve never had to defend an oil well while playing that online. How confusing would that be? Press button X for the truth…

JIHADI JOHN.
Six hours before Paris happened we we’re bragging about how we’d taken down Jihadi John. Well there’s a hardon that quickly went a bit Susan Boyle.
Security services said should we have detected Jihadi John earlier?…Well, I thought the name was a bit of a give away.

 

 

On the 35th anniversary of John Lennons death.

I remember much of the day of John Lennon’s death. I was ten/nearly 11 years old. I got up in the morning and walked into the living room to be told immediately by my mother that John Lennon had been shot and killed. “Is he one of the Beatles?” I enquired. Yes I was told. “Good.” I replied.

You see I was a supposed young  punk and in my immaturity thought this was a cool thing to say. My older brother Bill who I hadn’t noticed sitting to the side of me in tears probably wanted to swing for me. “He doesn’t understand” My mum hastily interjected. I can’t remember much of what unfolded immediately after that but my next memory is of me walking to school accompanied by my brother and on seeing how upset he was apologising. My brother was so patient with my ignorance bless him.

“You know there are quite a lot of Beatles songs that are quite punk that you would really like. Revolution and Helter Skelter. You would love them.” And he was right. I did love them when he played them to me later that night.

I’m reckoning by around some point in the day the gravity of what had happened was beginning to dawn on me. I can’t thank my brother enough for his patience that day. Rather than scold me he led me towards Johns music. I fell for it pretty fast.

That night the BBC showed the Beatles film Help. My dad thought it a pile of nonsense. I thought it nonsense too. Excellent nonsense.

The first Beatles album I owned was Revolver. Given to me by the same patient brother. In later years I would give a copy of the CD to my nephew.  I also around this time acquired a cassette of the John Lennon compilation album Shaved Fish. That’s when I started to realise I’d known Johns songs for much of my life. Great songs.

I was in town today buying a couple of new T-Shirts. I picked up one with the classic New York logo on it. Laughed to myself and thought “if I combine that with my faux military shirt it will look a bit John Lennon.” (in no way am I saying I’m anything like him.) I had no idea it was the 35th anniversary of his death today. Just one of those funny little synchronicities I’m very into. He’s obviously often in my mind and I’m happy to have him there.  He’s an easy target for criticism. I prefer to go the harder way and hold him dear.

There’s been 1.15 million Americans killed by guns since John Lennon’s death.  I know his campaigning for peace can seem naïve. It wasn’t. Nobody was more aware than him that he was a silly/fun advert for peace. He pointed this out many times. But at least he was a voice for something. Where are those voices in the corporatized  world of music now. With the state of the planet you’d think there would be anti-war songs coming out every week. Sadly they don’t. Things, including the arts, are much more controlled now.

John Lennon’s silly/fun advert for peace is a voice I would give much for to still have in the world today.