Stand up comedy set 5.War on Terror (Excert from forthcoming solo show)

Here’s a wee bit from my forthcoming solo show to be recorded at Newcastle Stand comedy club on Jan 25th for release on I-Tunes…hope it makes you chuckle/think…

 

ICE BUCKET-1-O-CLOCK GUN.
You know when the incident in Paris happened I thought I’m going to have to stop joking about these things for a bit. Then I thought no fuck it that’s what ISIS wants. So fuck that. Incidentally who wants to see my tattoo of Mohammed?
So I’ve just come back from the Edinburgh festival. I don’t know if you know but Edinburgh is famous for firing a cannon at 1-oclock every day. I’ve no idea why. Boom its 1-oclock, get back to work you fucking alcoholics, or something like that.
Thing is one day I was up near the castle and a bunch of Americans were getting shown around, and I don’t think they’d been warned about our cannon or maybe it’s these days of heightened terror alerts. But when the gun went off they nearly all hit the deck.
It made me think wouldn’t it be fun to just set your watch and just before it went bang sneak up behind them and shout ALLAHU AKBAR!

ICE BUCKET.
Don’t really do that by the way, fuck you do that you’ll end up in Guantanamo doing a very long and drawn out version of the ice bucket challenge.

PANDAS.
So the war on terror that’s going well, it’s been a bit like the war on drugs. We should have a war on Pandas they’d be everywhere.

RECAP.
Lets have a quick recap on how that’s working out. So we initially armed some “rebels” to overthrow the Syrian government, but those “rebels” turned out to be ISIS. ISIS are a direct result of our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq against the Taliban . Now we’re hoping to form a coalition with the Taliban to overthrow ISIS and keep the Syrian government in place.
Thank Christ Medal of Honour was never that confusing. Mind you I’ve never had to defend an oil well while playing that online. How confusing would that be? Press button X for the truth…

JIHADI JOHN.
Six hours before Paris happened we we’re bragging about how we’d taken down Jihadi John. Well there’s a hardon that quickly went a bit Susan Boyle.
Security services said should we have detected Jihadi John earlier?…Well, I thought the name was a bit of a give away.

 

 

Author: Mind Palaver

John and Elle are two voices, among many, advocating and living with acute mental health conditions.

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