How I think you can have a Rebublic AND Keep the Royals.

The first single I ever owned as a child was God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols. A song that probably still wins the title of most subversive UK number 1 ever. A period in our history when a bunch of snotty nosed street urchins had the establishment on the run. A period that has never been repeated.

The lyrics to God save the Queen weren’t just considered inflammatory, they were seen as treason. The song shook  up the system so much that when it reached number 1 in the charts it was decided there was to be no number 1 that week. Through one song these young kids managed to induce an almost Orwellian type of censorship. Number one is two, war is peace, truth is lies etc, etc, etc. Eventually in 2001 the BBC issued a statement announcing that the song had in fact reached number 1.

Personally I feel the song and the LP that accompanied it have  been the most influential pieces of art in my, and many other people’s lives.

So am I a republican? Well yes, but it’s not a title I go giving myself out loud. My main problem with the royal family is that they reinforce the class system. As long as they exist they are the constant reminder that there are people who are better than you. In fact their very existence reinforces the class system with such vigour it’s like having Prince Phillips voice on a loop in your head asking, “So who do you sponge off, so who do you sponge off?” A question he did actually put to a bunch of women’s community support workers. Of course the answer is…the same people as you. Your royal twatness.

Saying this I don’t really despise the royals as people themselves. I don’t think you can. And I can feel empathy for them.  At the last Royal wedding as a republican I would have given William and Kate what they really want…their privacy.

There are many arguments for keeping the royals in place. We’re told the Royals are great for tourism. The problem with that is of the top twenty tourist attractions in the UK only one of them is related to the monarchy, Windsor castle at number 17. Ten places ahead of that is Windsor Lego land. So working on that logic if our next monarch was made of Lego they probably would make a fortune from tourism. The real crunch is they might as well be made of Lego. For all that privilege and status that the royals have, all they had to do to earn it was arrive here via the right vagina.

All this leads me to a suggestion. I fully appreciate the Royals are held in high regard by many people in Britain. So how about we reach a compromise? First thing take away is any powers they have as head of state. You may not be aware but the Queen has the power to sack the entire government and have them replaced by the women’s guild knitting society. Yeah but she would never do that…would she? Try telling that to Australians. In 1975 a bunch of rebels came to power in Australia who were making all sorts of unconstitutional noises and like Darth Vader in the name of the Empire the Queens power to sack their entire government was used to get rid of them.  You can read about it here…

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1975_Australian_constitutional_crisis

And the second thing we do is take away all state funding. In short…We privatise them. If the argument is they generate a lot of money from tourism then can you but imagine the amount of real lolly we could make from them by putting them into the private sector? Come on you know it makes sense Prime Minister!

And I’m not just talking charging tickets to look at their hats. Let’s get properly commercial here. How popular would an event like The Queens Monster Truck Demolition Derby be? You could fill a stadium at fifty quid a head with an event like that. The grand finale being her royal highness herself comes out in a massive Range Rover Monster truck and drives over  a row of Fiat Uno’s while shouting “Buy British.”

As one we would rise to our feet and finally have a real reason to sing that dreary fucking anthem. In the meantime here’s a much better version…

 

 

 

 

 

Author: johnscottcomedy

John has been involved in comedy for 17 years. Here's some nice things people have said..... GLASGOW HERALD. Given that we’ve had indyref, a general election and Jeremy Corbyn since the last Edinburgh Fringe, you might expect there to be more self-confessed “political” comedians around this year. Oh, a lot of acts will dip a toe in “UKIP are nasty” shallows, but it takes someone like John Scott to dive in head-first and punch every hideous sea creature he meets right between the eyes. Before you know it, he’s chewed up and spat out austerity, Margaret Thatcher, the paedophile scandal, benefit fraud, racism, class, homophobia, Mhairi Black and a sneezing attack on a bus (ok, the last one isn’t strictly political, but it is a great anecdote, so worth a mention). He reserves a special venom for Tony Blair and the invasion of Iraq but somehow, filtered through his comedy-club delivery, it doesn’t feel like a soapbox diatribe or a trendy-leftie ticking off: this is political comedy built from the grassroots up, an informed opinion column with a spiky sense of humour. Alan Morrison THE LIST. “Confidently told hilarious tales of class-based woe, nothing missed the mark in a superb set where every story was expertly crafted before being subverted with a killer punch line. After practicing comedy for five arduous years, expect to see his name somewhere big very soon.” THE SUN. “John Scott is an excellent comic and this is without doubt the first step on the road to a long and successful career in comedy." EDINBURGH EVENING NEWS. “ Always plays a blinder. Never hits a dry patch. People were literally in tears of laughter.” THE OBSERVER. “Among the top 5 comics emerging from Scotland.” THE SKINNY “A genuinely gifted comedian.” ADELAIDE ROCKS. “Superb! The stand out stand up of the evening.” 100% BIKER “Possibly the funniest Scotsman alive.”

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