An open letter to Richard Branson and his trains (Renationalise the railways)

 

I travel on British trains a lot. I reckon trains in India are better. We have the worst and most expensive service in Europe.  

The east coast line went back into public ownership and became the most efficient and profitable in the country. But we can’t be having that. Where is the sense in customer care. But panic not we managed to get rid of all that by selling it back to Richard Branson.

He actually has a sign on these cattle trucks that asks How are we doing? and an address to send your thoughts to him….So here’s the letter I wrote.

HOW AM I DOING.

Dear Richard Branson I thought I’d just send a quick note in regards to your question how am I doing? Well I’m afraid the answer’s not very good. I’m not sure where to start on this subject but let’s first go with the often overwhelming stench of unprocessed shit that often tickles my nostrils when traveling on your bovine Cowperson express.

How can we explain to you that it takes more than an egg cup full of water to flush a toilet that has been blocked since Newark Northgate?

It’s not all bad news though as I’ve discovered a fitting revenge to this situation when passing through Grantham the birth place of Margaret Thatcher and spiritual mother to pus ridden colossal greed juggernauts like your good self.

As soon as your train pulls into Grantham station I take great delight in running through it and flushing every toilet IN THE STATION. Thus depositing the pungent effluent of two generations of an exploited, tyrannized and quite frankly totally constipated work force. Try leading the masses by the nose after that one you creepy haired cat wanker.

If somehow I manage to work up an appetite on your defecation express can I please point out that not even NASA have figured out how to make a cheese and ham toastie in a fucking microwave.

The fact that this service costs £132.00 to go from Newcastle to London and is often so overcrowded I’ve seen people pass out yet still remain upright, packed in like Scousers at a Poundland sale, is yet another moot point. This should be enough reason to have you put on one of your new space shuttles on a one way trip to the moon.

I can’t believe you actually think we want to go into space with you? The toasties would be even worse and there would be shit floating everywhere!

Personally I would like to beat you to death with bags of your own money.

I’ll tell you this sir your trains are well named Virgin because nobody wants to ride on them.

Yours the customer.

Former “in” Bellybutton now supports “out”

A bellybutton who was a longstanding supporter of in, or as they are known commonly an “innie” has now declared to be a supporter of out, also known as an “outie”

When questioned on why they had changed their stance they remarked “I would like to clear up a few myths about being out of the main part of the body. Just because I am out this does not mean  the brain will decamp to Frankfurt. Nor will the bottom lose it’s subsidies. It’s also ridiculous to say that a bellybutton exit or Bexit as we now call it  will damage the genitals “special relationship” with the U.S. As for all this scaremongering that the bottom would be more susceptible to terrorist attacks… well that’s just below the belt scaremongering.”

When also asked if this new stance was perhaps a bid to gain the leadership of the backbone at the next election the bellybutton had this to say. “It would be a wonderful thing to be the backbones leader. It is at least five years away which is an aeon in the body politic, by which time whatever my personal ambitions may be, there will be competition from young thrusting body parts both male and female who will be overtaking me so who knows.  As I’ve said many, many times before that it’s more likely that I will be reincarnated as an olive or shoved back in by a champagne cork or Unscrewed entirely resulting in the bum falling off.”

More recently the bellybutton has caused controversy by accusing the arms and legs of goose-stepping in a fashion similar to the Nazis.

The question of in or out still remains on a knifes edge.