Why I’m pro Scots Independence.

I think it was around 1990, I was sat in my parents house on my own watching The SNP conference. This was unusual in that my family are a couple of generations  of natural Labour supporters, as was I at the time. So why was a watching this? Well this bloke Alex Salmond was on speaking and it struck me the some of things he was saying sounded decidedly more left wing than what even Labour was offering at that time. Labour had purged the left by this point and were well on the road to becoming “New”. And then Salmond pointed something out. I can’t quote exactly, but it went something along the lines of, “An independent Scotland would NEVER have to be ruled by a Conservative government ever again.” And with that won thought my viewpoint changed.

I’m from a mining area and already at that young aged was well versed in the brutality a Conservative government can bring down like a cosh on people like me. I had a cousin who was a miner who’s suicide I lay directly at the door of Thatcher. He was blacklisted then made homeless by her policies.

But Scottish independence isn’t true to the values of socialism you cry. If I may I’d like to quote a friend of mine Thanasis Manitarellis who said yesterday  “Blaming Scotland for causing further division after Brexit, is like blaming an abused wife for wrecking her marriage after running out of the house. ”

Also can anybody point out any of our main parties who are implementing more left wing policies than the SNP at the moment? Trust me, I know the SNP are far from perfect but free access to education, free school meals and free prescriptions are all steps in the right direction. Of course I am sympathetic to the principles of Jeremy Corbyn (I’m also a Labour party member as I live in England. If I lived in Scotland I’d be with the SNP) but I have no idea what his policies are. And when Scots Labour leaders and mayors of London start comparing the entire Scottish nation to the likes of Donald Trump! Well,  I’m reminded of how completely they have lost the plot and the ability to communicate to ordinary workers/voters.

But they’re imposing cuts. No Westminster Tories are imposing cuts and the SNP are having to follow. We’re not independent remember. Saying this there is much in SNP economic policy I disagree with. But here’s the point. If you don’t like it… an Independent Scotland could vote in a more leftist/Socialist government if they had the power to do so. The way Scottish politics leans the only way I can see someone out manoeuvring the SNP is to move to the left of them. This is something that would never happen in a United Kingdom. For me it’s a win, win situation and the reason I’m for self rule. And I don’t even live in Scotland any more, but if any nation on the planet managed to liberate themselves, even partly, from oppression then I’m all for it…And don’t even get me started on Europe…

Vaping Vs. Smoking

This is a genuine conversation that unfolded in a train station yesterday…. 

 

MAN. Oi! You cant smoke there.
ME. I’m not smoking mate its a vape.
MAN. Yeah but that’s the same thing.
ME. Its not mate. Its a very different thing. I’m totally with you on the smoking thing though. We should just have them all shot.
MAN.(After looking a bit confused). Look just cos its electronic doesn’t make it different. There’s still secondary smoke.
ME. There isn’t mate it vapour. Look what comes out of your kettle.
MAN Smoke!

It was around this point I realised this was a debate I could never win.

Some favourite quick jokes.

Some of the my favourites. You can see me in clubs…I might not be doing stand up, but that’s where you tend to find me….   

My uncle wasn’t well in life. he used to have a cheap NHS pacemaker. It wasn’t so great…every time he farted the garage door would open.

Mt father passed away through having white asbestos all through him. The funeral was lovely but it took an age to cremate him.

A man said to me, “Hypothetically speaking you’re in a hot air balloon with Donald Trump and Theresa May…Who do you through out?”   I said “Probably myself.”

Government to impose cuts to mental health services. Self harmers were said to be initially furious but then spotted a window of opportunity

Andrea Leadsome famously said, “men can’t be nannies, because all men are potential paedophiles. ” I wonder what it was about working in Westminster that made her leap to that conclusion.

If Heather Mills and Abu Hamza were to have a baby together they’d make a pirate.

I saw in the paper the other day a headline proclaiming “The Hunt is on For The New Jihadi John. I thought these talent competitions have gone too far.

My name is Jock Scott which is a very Scottish name. I’ve got a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis Broadband Miners Strike.

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.

In Scotland we didn’t vote for Brexit because to us the word just sounds like something’s been damaged. Brexit…it’s what happens when a fat lass sits on a chair.

I got the Donald Trump version of Cluedo. that’s the one where it doesn’t matter who did it, you just always blame the immigrant…and Mrs White always wins.

A UKIP councillor has claimed that the recent floods were caused by God being angry at gay marriage. I was sceptical until I heard that lightning had damaged the statue of Jesus in Rio.  God must be depressed about something if he’s started to self-harm.

It wasn’t all good news for Farage in the lead up to the election was it? He got hit by an egg in Stoke.  Because of that he now chooses to travel with four body guards. Fair enough…there’s six eggs in a box.

A UKIP donor has published an advert in the Telegraph stating there is no such thing as homophobia because the words not in the dictionary. It actually is in the dictionary. It’s sandwiched in between homoerotic and homosexual….which is probably the last place homophobia wants to be sandwiched but that will teach it a lesson.

So we finally left the EU. Or as UKIP pronounce it EUGH!

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.

A Christmas message for the generation of the self.

Christmas is coming. But please remember there are people less fortunate than you. And there’s a good reason for that, it’s because you’re better than them! Fuck em! Homeless types are in that situation because they bring it on themselves. How dare they put us on guilt trips as we have to step over them during the sales. Same goes for the unemployed. What’s wrong with an 80 hour week on a zero hours contract? If you don’t want to do it I’m sure we can get some child from the Eastern bloc who’ll be more than happy on £2.50 an hour.

So stuff your face and spend thousands on bling, blood diamonds are probably best for profit margin. Up yours Jesus. Anyway Jesus hated the poor didn’t he? There was that time he cured the cripple. He said, “take up thy bed and walk. you’ve been declared fit for work you scrounging bastard” And as for May and Joseph…what you think we’re paying bedroom tax so you can just freeload for the night! That’s what we believe the rest of the year. So why change all that just because it Christmas? Why spoil 30 years of the self just because of some foggy minded Christian values. Hail Thatcher.

A short conversation on right wing comedians.

As a comic I’ve no huge issues to make with comedians that go at stuff from the right. If I don’t like it I move on. Simple. Surely that should be the rule on all of it. But I did have this conversation with a posh old lady recently that really made me laugh….

 

 

OLD LADY:  “Why is it that all comedians are on the left? I’m a Tory and would like to see more right wing comedians.”

ME: “Well there are conservative comedians nowadays. And if you think not so long ago lots of comedians were Tories or on the right. Just look at Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning.”

OLD LADY:  “Yes but they were horrible.”

ME    “Yeah I know. I wonder why that was.”