Consume (poem)

This is a rewrite of something. Decided to enter a poetry slam so will open with this. A long time ago a woman called Thatcher decided we were no longer citizens we were consumers. The free market became the last word. I think we’re all getting pretty fed up with such philosophies.

 

I want I want I want it all
Work buy get paid
Hoping to get laid
Give me more stuff
As I work rest and get played
For that new phone
Over glass I would crawl
It’s only ever Adidas
Who get to kick at my balls
Gas coal black oil
The planet burns
The planet boils
Are we gonna screw it
Nike says Just Do It
If there is shit
Then we’re shovelling it
But we care not a bit
McDonalds says we’re loving it
Consume erode deplete
We’re not pioneers we’re sheep
I need I need I need Everything
G String nose ring
Grabbing at the gold and bling
Only drink that brand
Because It’s The Real Thing
Eat drink
Piss in the sink
Work hard play hard
For everything else there’s MasterCard
Royal variety
There’s no society
That’s the word of Thatcher
A nation full of bastards
Consumed by liars
be the biggest buyer
Tower block in London
Consumed by fire
Put a price on everything
Greed is good no more a sin
I have I have I have
All the best stuff
I bet he drinks Carling
Cos he looks kinda rough
Consume deplete
Live in compliance
This the rot
The Appliance Of Science
It’s a fairly safe bet
This is the worst a man can get
Advertising hoods
Finger lickin good
My health fuck it
Eat shit by the bucket
This credit card’s a git
Don’t leave home without it
We’re ravers and cravers
We’re masters and slavers
Lost sight of ourselves
Should have gone to Spec Savers
Does this fit that bit
Cashmere fine knit
Close pit job quit
Because we’re worth shit

 

 

 

Orange President. Orange Prime Minister. We’ve been Tangoed.

To be Tangoed as the adverts used to go was to receive a shock to the system, often by a slap to the face. Which is exactly what Theresa May’s proposals for our future Government has been to the British electorate. You remember Donald Trump massaging his special relationship with Theresa? It was all hand over hand with the threat of a locker room grab to the nether regions hanging in the air. I’ve heard to brighten up her general death like demeanour he advised she should turn Orange like him…I’m not sure forming a government with The DUP was what he meant.

Watching the election results come in the other night was a bit like watching a game of Rugby. There’s a lot of stuff going on that we don’t all exactly understand. Then you get to the end asking, “Did we win? It looks like we won! How come the opposition are getting a penalty in the dying minutes? I THOUGHT WE WERE WINNING!”

I don’t ask much from my future government but I do think it a bit important they all believe Dinosaurs were real. The DUP are putting it lightly a bunch of creationist knuckle draggers. Their manifesto is essentially the Bible with the bins going out every fortnight. Anti LGBT, Climate change deniers, anti catholic. Brexit no longer seems to mean Brexit. Brexit means F**k the Pope. They actually believe the European Union was a Papal conspiracy. It seems the Romans are still very much a threat in their minds.

They’re not so keen on women’s rights either. They’re Anti abortion and believe public breastfeeding is an act of exhibitionism. Obviously putting on a bowler hat and a sash while a full brass band belts out sectarian anthems is the work of shrinking violets.

I can only describe May’s desperate cling to power via the DUP as sociopathic. This is a woman who cares not a jot for consequence as long as she still gets to sit at the top of the table. Watching Theresa May right now is like watching a fart trying to be heard in a hurricane. Flailing around in her MayBot way chanting “Strong and Stable” as her programmers try desperately hard to try and figure out to make her user friendly. It’s impossible. She doesn’t like people. Her alliance with the DUP is actually illegal in regards to the terms of the Good Friday Agreement. A pact for peace in Ireland that the DUP refused to sign. It is also a threat to that peace and should be fought against at every turn over the coming weeks. Perhaps if we’re really nice to them Sinn Fein might choose to take up their seats in parliament and we can redress the balance. Jeremy Corbyn will drag us back to the 70s they cried. Well that doesn’t seem as bad as going back to the 1690s.

However this doesn’t mean all is lost. The exact opposite in fact. I’ve been a supporter of Jeremy Corbyn since before he was elected leader of the Labour Party. I always believed if we got his name on the ballot paper then his policies would chime with the electorate. I believed this because of what the SNP achieved in Scotland and think we owe them a decent nod for bringing compassion back into mainstream politics. The Tory smear campaign against Corbyn in the election was abhorrent. To attempt to label a decent man as a terrorist sympathiser while we were under attack from terrorists was below the lowest of the low. However now that the Tories are having to for a Government with the DUP…well these accusations seem to have…ahem…blown up in their faces. I really did enjoy the Tweet from the Police Federation page that said, “It’s not the amount of MPs you have Theresa it’s what you do with them. You have to do more with less.” How poignant.

For now Corbyn and the SNP wait in the wings. They look like they’re going to play the long game. I don’t think the changes that are coming are some kind of a flash in the pan either. If you look at what’s happening globally voices of the left are coming in from many areas. I think the changes that are coming to this island will be as seismic as the changes Thatcher ushered in and will probably last as long.  The future’s bright, the future is NOT Orange.

 

Why I’d Love A Progressive Cross Party Alliance.

A few years ago I was lucky enough to see Tony Benn speak at a couple of May Day Rallies. Both times he finished with this anecdote.

“Once upon a time in a town not unlike this a small boy fell down a well. The towns folk gathered to try and get him out. “The blacksmith said, “Hang on I’ve got some rope, we can throw it down and get him out.” But when he tried the rope was too short. Then the librarian said, “Hang on we’ve got rope at the library that may work.” But again it was too short. It was the same with the teachers rope and the nurses rope and the janitors rope. Finally losing his patience the young boy cried upwards. “Come on you people…Just tie the rope together.”

 

Needless to say I was soon getting messages from frustrated Nationalists pointing out they’ve offered an alliance with Labour. It was turned down at the last election and it’s been turned down now. Trust me I fully understand your frustration and I still find the Scots Labour leadership to be a pretty hopeless/Blairite bunch. I also completely agree with the Scots turning their backs on what was Tory Blair’s idea of a Labour movement. But on the notion of an alliance I wouldn’t take everything being said at face value. Milliband’s  Labour party of non alliance were a very different beast to the Labour Party of this moment. There was little difference between a Labour, Lib-Dem or Conservative MP around that time. They were self serving and not much more than puppets of  large corporations and media Barons. I would hope people on all sides of SNP, Lib-Dem and Green could at least agree Jeremy Corbyn isn’t that kind of politician. And in that one initial agreement suddenly we all have something in common.

It’s no secret large swathes of the Labour party don’t want Corbyn there. I feel that after the dust settles on this election he may sadly be gone. If he is I would say, “Good effort, well done for standing up to a corrupt/biased media who dragged your name from the word go. Well done for standing up to members of your own party who’s only interest was career and self preservation. Well done for increasing the Labour party membership by hundreds of thousands and giving ordinary people a choice in who represents them. Well done for getting proper old Labour socialist policies back into the public domain.” The point is that now Jeremy has got these policies out there it’s vital that they are kept on the table. There are people within his party keen to see this happen.

I know there are prominent/ potential leadership figures in both Labour and SNP who do favour a progressive alliance. Just because it’s not out on the table yet doesn’t mean it would never happen. We have to stand back a bit from current dialogues and try to look at a bigger picture. If Corbyn was to come out and say yes to an alliance just now the English/British media would finish him off. There would be cries about England being ruled by the Scots. In short it would be a disaster. But what I hope Scots nationalists should understand is there are hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of people living in England who are entirely sympathetic to Scots self rule and see the SNP as a credible party. That huge group of people have a voice and one day Scots may be reliant on them. If the second referendum fails then the only way forward for the Scots would be an alliance.

In a perfect world a cross party alliance could finish off the Tories for good. Many European parliaments have been built on alliances. So try to put current grievances aside. Try to admit to yourself that many ordinary people all across the UK are all after the same thing. Try to be patient. Tie the rope together.

Being a Tory at Easter.

meme 43.

Of all the ironies this life can throw at us the one I find raises an eyebrow most is the notion of the Conservative Christian.  Ruth Davidson proudly claims to be one (and a feminist) while pursuing brutal policies against women just this week. David Cameron did the same while his appointed welfare minister Ian Duncan Smith’s policies contributed to over two thousand deaths of those declared “fit for work.”

The list could go on for days. If there’s any truth in Christianity, the hypocrisy of being both Conservative and Christian is perhaps among Satan’s best work.

There’s a joke I sometimes do. It goes…”So I see our Tory prime Minister has declared themselves Christian. That makes sense. Because Jesus hated the poor didn’t he? There was that time he cured the cripple. He said those famous words. “Take up thy bed and walk…You’ve been declared fit for work you scrounging bastard.”

And now a poem…

  

CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN.

So you’re a Conservative Christian

Gods Heaven is your future

To me you’re just a paradox

Like some vegetarian butcher

Did Jesus cure the cripple

With almighty power of kirk

Just to sanction all his benefits

‘Cos now he’s fit for work

Two Thousand disability deaths

Of the lame you are a hater

I don’t think “blessed are the money lenders”

Were the words of our creator

So you’re a Conservative Christian

Because you go to church

Yet immigrants from holy lands

You’d like to give the birch

I don’t think Jeesy Peeps ethnicity

Sits well with Nigel Farage

Does this mean that you proclaim

“I’m a car” when standing in a garage

So you’re a Conservative Christian

Your Pro Life stance is nonsense

The stuff of fluff and gloss

For once we’re born into this world

You couldn’t give a toss

So on you go you hypocrite

Ring loud the old church bell

If your imaginary friend goes by his book

Well see you all in hell.

 

 

 

Stop calling Intolerance “Populism” It Isn’t.

noun: fascism
  1. (in general use) extreme right-wing, authoritarian, or intolerant views or practices.
     
noun: populism
  1. Support for the concerns of ordinary people.

I’ve put the definitions of the two words, as you’ll find them in the dictionary, above. The reason I’ve done this is I worry about a future situation where we say to ourselves…Perhaps the biggest mistake we made was calling those with fascist leanings populist…as I’m herded into a camp for being a dissenter.

The Dutch election results are in and Geert Wilder’s far right Party for Freedom failed to live up to supporters’ expectations in a closely-watched Dutch general election. All through the election his party was referred to as “populist” Their key manifesto point is a ban on Islam and zero immigration from non Western countries. So as “populists” they reflect the views of “ordinary people” …unless you’re a Muslim. As far as I remember there are about over a billion people on this planet who would describe themselves as not only Muslims but also “ordinary people.” There are also about 2.2 Billion who would describe themselves as Christian. So this isn’t about faith, it is discrimination it is “intolerance” Now look at the definitions above again.

Populism is not building walls. That is intolerance.

Populism is not banning people from moving around the planet/to safety. That is intolerance.

Populism is not singling out one group of people and laying the problems of a planet at their door. That is intolerance.

I’ll post the definitions again.

noun: fascism
  1. (in general use) extreme right-wing, authoritarian, or intolerant views or practices.
     
noun: populism
  1. Support for the concerns of ordinary people.

So please stop it now and call it what it is.

 

 

Why I’m pro Scots Independence.

I think it was around 1990, I was sat in my parents house on my own watching The SNP conference. This was unusual in that my family are a couple of generations  of natural Labour supporters, as was I at the time. So why was a watching this? Well this bloke Alex Salmond was on speaking and it struck me the some of things he was saying sounded decidedly more left wing than what even Labour was offering at that time. Labour had purged the left by this point and were well on the road to becoming “New”. And then Salmond pointed something out. I can’t quote exactly, but it went something along the lines of, “An independent Scotland would NEVER have to be ruled by a Conservative government ever again.” And with that won thought my viewpoint changed.

I’m from a mining area and already at that young aged was well versed in the brutality a Conservative government can bring down like a cosh on people like me. I had a cousin who was a miner who’s suicide I lay directly at the door of Thatcher. He was blacklisted then made homeless by her policies.

But Scottish independence isn’t true to the values of socialism you cry. If I may I’d like to quote a friend of mine Thanasis Manitarellis who said yesterday  “Blaming Scotland for causing further division after Brexit, is like blaming an abused wife for wrecking her marriage after running out of the house. ”

Also can anybody point out any of our main parties who are implementing more left wing policies than the SNP at the moment? Trust me, I know the SNP are far from perfect but free access to education, free school meals and free prescriptions are all steps in the right direction. Of course I am sympathetic to the principles of Jeremy Corbyn (I’m also a Labour party member as I live in England. If I lived in Scotland I’d be with the SNP) but I have no idea what his policies are. And when Scots Labour leaders and mayors of London start comparing the entire Scottish nation to the likes of Donald Trump! Well,  I’m reminded of how completely they have lost the plot and the ability to communicate to ordinary workers/voters.

But they’re imposing cuts. No Westminster Tories are imposing cuts and the SNP are having to follow. We’re not independent remember. Saying this there is much in SNP economic policy I disagree with. But here’s the point. If you don’t like it… an Independent Scotland could vote in a more leftist/Socialist government if they had the power to do so. The way Scottish politics leans the only way I can see someone out manoeuvring the SNP is to move to the left of them. This is something that would never happen in a United Kingdom. For me it’s a win, win situation and the reason I’m for self rule. And I don’t even live in Scotland any more, but if any nation on the planet managed to liberate themselves, even partly, from oppression then I’m all for it…And don’t even get me started on Europe…

Some favourite quick jokes.

Some of the my favourites. You can see me in clubs…I might not be doing stand up, but that’s where you tend to find me….   

My uncle wasn’t well in life. he used to have a cheap NHS pacemaker. It wasn’t so great…every time he farted the garage door would open.

Mt father passed away through having white asbestos all through him. The funeral was lovely but it took an age to cremate him.

A man said to me, “Hypothetically speaking you’re in a hot air balloon with Donald Trump and Theresa May…Who do you through out?”   I said “Probably myself.”

Government to impose cuts to mental health services. Self harmers were said to be initially furious but then spotted a window of opportunity

Andrea Leadsome famously said, “men can’t be nannies, because all men are potential paedophiles. ” I wonder what it was about working in Westminster that made her leap to that conclusion.

If Heather Mills and Abu Hamza were to have a baby together they’d make a pirate.

I saw in the paper the other day a headline proclaiming “The Hunt is on For The New Jihadi John. I thought these talent competitions have gone too far.

My name is Jock Scott which is a very Scottish name. I’ve got a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis Broadband Miners Strike.

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.

In Scotland we didn’t vote for Brexit because to us the word just sounds like something’s been damaged. Brexit…it’s what happens when a fat lass sits on a chair.

I got the Donald Trump version of Cluedo. that’s the one where it doesn’t matter who did it, you just always blame the immigrant…and Mrs White always wins.

A UKIP councillor has claimed that the recent floods were caused by God being angry at gay marriage. I was sceptical until I heard that lightning had damaged the statue of Jesus in Rio.  God must be depressed about something if he’s started to self-harm.

It wasn’t all good news for Farage in the lead up to the election was it? He got hit by an egg in Stoke.  Because of that he now chooses to travel with four body guards. Fair enough…there’s six eggs in a box.

A UKIP donor has published an advert in the Telegraph stating there is no such thing as homophobia because the words not in the dictionary. It actually is in the dictionary. It’s sandwiched in between homoerotic and homosexual….which is probably the last place homophobia wants to be sandwiched but that will teach it a lesson.

So we finally left the EU. Or as UKIP pronounce it EUGH!

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.