Here’s Milk The Cow Podcast. I’m on this episode. It’s one of my favourite things to have had the pleasure to be involved in. These guys are in The I- Tunes TOP 10. Never mind me, listen to them. Informed, philosophical and often bloody hilarious.
As a continuing occasional series here I am again with some examples of what a do for a living (honestly people really do give me money for this) to whom it may concern…some of this is brand new, some of it not so…Oh and that last set I posted…the Departure Lounge routine didn’t work…but the rest did…
BEE GEE to BEGGAR
I used to often start my sets with the words. It’s nice to be here, but then it’s nice to be anywhere when you look like a homeless Bee-Gee.
But this really happened to me outside a train station. I was standing quietly having a cigarette, when I suddenly saw 10 pence come flying through the air and land at my feet. I looked up and there was a dad with his wee boy, and the wee boy said, “There you go.”
So I picked it up and enquired, “Do you think I’m homeless?”
To which he replied, “No but now that you’ve picked it up we know that you’re Scottish.”
I said, “Don’t you stereotype me young man!” And then I glassed him.
NOT MR SATURDAY NIGHT.
I’m not your typical Saturday night comedian. In fact I look at modern Saturday night telly and despair.
If you enjoy Saturday night T.V. it’s not necessarily that I think you’re an idiot…but the people that make it…They think you’re a fucking moron.
But there are worse people than those that enjoy Saturday night T.V. There are those people that record Saturday night TV to watch at another time… and then come out to live comedy and expect me to replicate what they’re missing. Then look utterly bewildered as to why I’m not either skipping or noticing what’s funny about things like bread.
They say the X-Factor has destroyed the spirit of Rock and Roll, but that’s rubbish. Because every time it comes on I’m ready to throw the telly right out the window.
Everything’s commercial now, even Glastonbury. I remember Glastonbury when for 20 quid you’d get a complimentary ecstasy, free entry and a pre-prepared bottle of piss to throw at Paul McCartney.
CDs IN GENRE.
I’m a huge music fan. I’ve probably got over 600 CDs in my collection. That’s right ladies no digital in my house. Proper shelves put up for a proper man collection.
Men are a bit autistic when it comes to that stuff. We like lists. We like things being in alphabetical order. Don’t mess with that shit or the universe will explode. I took that one step further once…I tried to put them in genre…It starts out easy. You go Punk easy, Britpop simple, soul, rock etc but.. then it gets complicated.
My wife found my system bewildering…
Where’s my ABBA CD?
Easy! That’s beside George Michael and the soundtrack from Moulin Rouge.
What genre is that?
Err…Gay. That’s right I turned gay into a genre. Like it’s something you could grow out of or just dabble in.
But that’s the problem. Where do you put someone like Bowie. He started of rock, went soul and ended up electronic.
My wife says, “Why is Bowies Ziggy Stardust period separate from the rest and next to Simply Red and Florence and the Machine.
Ah well I was solving a problem with that. So that particular period of his work is now under ginger.
Right…and what’s Coldplay, Leonard Cohens greatest hits and all the Oasis Albums apart from the first 2.
And Robbie Williams is in with Jay Z and Kanye West…Robbie’s not a rapper.
No…but he is an arsehole.
Right…and Amy Winehouse, Bob Marley, The Doors and more George Michael. What on earth is that?
Ah…sadly that’s dead.
But George Michael isn’t dead?
Give him time pet…give him time.
Despite many attempts by both the media, pressure groups and the LGBT the Chilcot Inquiry still refuses to be “out” in the public domain.
In a statement it was remarked, “I will never be publicly “out”. “The relevance of whether I come out or not isn’t really in the public interest.” “If I do choose to come out you can guarantee blame will spread wider than Tony Blairs inner circle.”
The final remark is thought to be innuendos.
When Tony Blair himself was approached in regard to Chilcot coming out he remarked, “I don’t think people are really that interested. Chilcot is an open secret anyway. Can’t we just leave it at that and let sleeping piles of bodies lie. And when I say lie I’m obviously telling the truth. I can only go one way. I’ve not got a reverse gear…matron.”
Again the final sentence is thought to be innuendos (It’s still quite popular in gay culture. See Graham Norton)
It has been rumoured that over the years Chilcot has been in an occasional acquaintance of Cliff Richard, another suspected inspector of closet interiors. When questioned on this Chilcot remarked, “Look I find the question is Cliff Richard gay to be highly disrespectful. The question should be…Is SIR Cliff Richard gay.”
In a final statement Chilcot remarked, “Until we have received and evaluated responses from all those who have been given the opportunity to respond I cannot give an accurate estimate for how long it will then take to complete our work but it is still clear that will take some further months I therefore see no realistic prospect of delivering our report to you before the end of this year”
It’s not certain if this final statement is innuendos, a euphemism or just yet another obvious delaying tactic to stop the facts ever being in the public domain.
The Chilcot inquiry shall be appearing in Panto at Sunderland Gaiety Theatre this December as Widow Twankey
President Barack Obama has today accused the Russian President and stalwart of the Better Together campaign Vladimir Putin of needlessly using the N word during a rap battle summit on foreign policy.
In a heated exchange covering Russian targets in Syria, the Ukraine, how to helpfully bomb people and who looks best with their shirt off it is rumoured Putin opening rap gambit went along the lines of, “ Yo Motherf**ker. I ain’t sayin’ let’s go Nuclear. But who armed ISIS is like totally unclear!”
Obama retorted that this was a pretty lame start to a rap battle, but was willing to concede that nothing really rhymes with the N word Nuclear. However, he also added that in his personal opinion and experience as a member of the people community that it was really below the belt to use the Nuclear word due to the distress it causes to wide groups of nearly everybody.
After agreeing they’d reached an impasse it was decided to start again. After losing the coin toss Obama was nominated to go first. He shot from the Presidential hip and was said to be,” Rhyming like a bitch.” Below is a transcript of the event.
OBAMA. (ON THE SUBJECT OF THE N WORD) “There ain’t no word that comes any biggah! Starts with an N…say it to the wrong guy…Ends with a triggah!”
PUTIN: “For rhyming it appears you’ve got a knack. Not a bad effort cos you’re not really black!”
OBAMA. “Can we get back to the subject of the Bomb. I’m not the only brother that’s had sex with your mom.”
PUTIN. “When it comes to sex I can go all day! But you’ll never find me at a wedding that’s gay!”
OBAMA. “Look we really need to jive on what to do with ISIS. I’ll go for the obvious and say now it’s a crisis.”
PUTIN. “Yo, you rhyme like a junkie high on crack. I’ll say it now, I’ll say it proud, The U.S.S.R. is BACK!”
After these opening gambits the battle pretty much descended into jibes about who was the most heterosexual. Talks are to resume with a fresh rap battle on Israel and who shot Tupac next month.
As I’m a comedian (no really) I’ve decided I might start posting up material as I’m working on it. Some of this works and lots of the stuff here has never been tried. There’s an observational thing in here and I don’t normally do that stuff so that may be shit. You can knock observational comedians but it’s really not that easy. Also comedy I don’t think looks as funny on the page, so don’t dissect this too much. As they say comedy is like a frog. If you dissect it, it’s no longer a frog….hope you enjoy some of it.
SET STAND SEP 2015
Good evening. My name’s John Scott. Or as I get called at home jock Scott. That’s a very Scottish name…I’ve a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis broadband miners strike.
TURN OUT JESUS.
So this is a good turn out for a Wednesday. This is better than Jesus would sometimes manage. Think about it the last supper he only got 12…and that was his leaving do.
I would have been furious. “Oh right so if I’m handing out free sandwiches it’s 5000. Turn water into the wine the party goes on for 3 days. Time for me to go now…12! Fucking 12…and one of you is a grass.”
So I’ve just come back from the Edinburgh festival. I don’t know if you know but Edinburgh is famous for firing a cannon at 1-oclock every day. I’ve no idea why. Boom, get back to work you reprobates, or something like that.
Thing is one day I was up near the castle and a bunch of Americans were getting shown around, and I don’t think they’d been warned about our cannon or maybe it’s these days of heightened terror alerts. But when the gun went off they nearly all hit the deck.
It made me think wouldn’t it be fun to just set your watch and just before it went bang sneak up behind them and shout ALLAHU AKBAR!
I’m joking don’t actually do that. Otherwise you’ll end up in Guantanamo doing a very long and drawn out version of the ice bucket challenge.
So I’m a Scottish person. And As a Scottish person I notice that a lot of people look on me a bit like a bellybutton…is he in or is he out. Apparently half the people in the north east want independence from England and join with Scotland. What will we call the place? Newscotasleand?
So we enjoying a drink? I see the government wants to issue new guidelines on binge drinking. According to government figures if you have 4 drinks in one session that’s classed as a binge…Bugger off! That’s not a binge in Scotland…that’s a visit from your auntie.
The government would like to see us drink more sensibly, like they do in Europe. You know it’s not unusual as a child in France to have a glass of wine or a beer with your dinner.
Thing is I reckon if the French had drank four pints of Stella a day instead of two…they might have put up some kind of fight against the Nazis.
I’ve just come back from my holidays in Greece. We saw a great Michael Jackson tribute act. Admittedly he didn’t look much like Michael Jackson…but then again neither did Michael Jackson.
I’m still like a kid when I fly. I still find airports exciting. I start at the train station. If I see somebody with a case, “Oh are you going to the airport? Me too! Maybe we can be pals?”
Then you get to the airport and there’s a big sign saying Newcastle Welcomes You. They might as well stick your name on the end of that. Newcastle welcomes you John! You’re more than welcome. I have to say I’m delighted to be here.
The best bit’s still to come. You go through security…and you don’t beep. That’s awesome every time. You do a wee dance. Better still you turn around and the wife, she’s beeping. YES! She’s getting the full search. You start shouting stuff at the security, “It’s her bra! There’s a lot of scaffolding in it.”
And your mood pretty much stays like that until you get to the departure lounge. That’s when you see the type of person that’s managed to scrape together some money to go on the same shitty package holiday as you. Oh fuck!
And then your mood takes the same trajectory as your flight. Weeeeehhh….and down.
I went to Greece this year. How can people going on holiday look so ill? You should have seen us 200 peasants desperate to go somewhere that people were worse off than us.
I wouldn’t have let half these people on a bus never mind a plane. I saw a woman who had Homer Simpson tattooed on her left tit. Some people see their body as a temple…others a toilet wall.
I swear on my mother’s life on our plane flying to Greece were two guys from NATO. Done up in the full gear with NATO written across their chest. I said, “What the hell are they doing here?” My wife said, “Don’t worry it’s nothing to do with us. It’s probably because of the refugee crisis.”
I said, “Take a look around you…this is a refugee crisis.”
So it looks like our war on terror has been a great success. A bit like our war on drugs. We should have a war on Pandas they’d be fucking everywhere.
I see jihadi John has been back in the papers. Security services say should we have detected Jihadi John earlier…well I thought the name was a bit of a giveaway.
MULTICULTURALISM / RACHAEL DOEZAL
I’m all for multiculturalism. We’ve borrowed from each other’s cultures for centuries. Thing is recently we had the curious case of Rachael Dolezal. She’s a white middle class American who pretended to be an African American activist. Now as I say “borrow” but there’s a line and she kind of pole vaulted across it.
BLACK AND WHITE.
White people don’t know what it is to be black! The last time I got harassed by the police it was because I was committing a crime. I was you I got caught with some drugs. I got away with it. The police said,
“Where did you get your drugs?”
“Err…some black people?”
“Yeah we thought so. What did they look like?”
“Err…well they had dark skin and err…hair”
“Yeah we know them. We thought that’s who it might be. Did you get any names?”
“Names? Err…I think it was Michael, Jermain, Tito…err…Prince and Lenny Henry.”
“Yup we know them. Get a van!”
WHITE MANS PROBLEMS.
White mans problems don’t equate with the black communities problems. I can prove this. We’ve had a big influx of students into Newcastle and a genuine headline in our local press said “Areas of Newcastle are being turned into student ghettos!”
Oh no not a student ghetto! My god I’ve seen them on street corners selling quiche! They make it in their quiche dens. I said I’m not buying quiche from you. Last time I got quiche from you it was cut with flan.
What is crime like in a student ghetto? Last night in a student ghetto a man had a Muller Light stolen from his bit of the fridge.
In other news a man had his duvet stolen during a house party. After examining his bed for DNA police have arrested 23 suspects.
White mans problems! There’s now a super-rich elite living in London who are complaining about foreigners that are richer than them.
A bankers wife wrote into the times and complained that “The Russians have completely distorted the nanny market. We can’t get our children into the right schools because they’re full on aspirational Chinese”
It’s not like that up north. Up north the Romanians have distorted the scratch card market.
As I say I’m all for multiculturalism. I’ve even been getting into Hip Hop. And yes I’m having problems saying that word. You know the one begins with an N, say it to the wrong person ends with a triggah!
Chris Rock says that if white people are talking about Rap or Hip Hop then it’s OK to use the word.
I can see a flaw in that argument. Well what if a bunch of white supremacists form a Hip Hop band. And their first single is, They Never Get Anything Right Dem Niggahs (Especially Chris Rock)
Communist berserker Jeremy Corbyn is rumoured to be at it again. Audacious work for a man already accused of killing kittens every time someone doesn’t eat their crusts, bathing in Panda blood and according to some sources saving all his farts in a jar to only have them released on Jewish holidays.
According to a new book by an anonymous donor to The Conservative party who goes under the codename Daveham, Jeremy Corbyn was involved in a bizarre initiation ritual while becoming leader of an elite dinning club known as The Labour Party.
It is said that while attending a dinner of the shady Labour groups inner sanctum, strict vegetarian Corbyn turned down several attempts by other party members of trying to get him to pose for photographs with a private part of his anatomy in a dead pigs mouth.
Instead Corbyn deflected attention away from said ritual by apparently stating, “Look you lot, you’re not getting me like that. How about we all just calm down and scrap nuclear weapons instead?”
Rather than have the desired calming effect, this statement apparently sent this privileged group into some kind of posh person frenzy with many of the members swapping their red ties for a more off yellow colour. Apparently inner sanctum code for we’ll do whatever we want regardless of public opinion.
Corbyn is then rumoured to have said, “Well fuck off to the Lib Dems if you want. You wont be missed. Look just calm down. I reckon renationalising the railways will be hugely popular. In fact I’m quite popular. How can I be unelectable when I just got elected by the biggest majority in the history of modern politics?”
At this point the Labour group were said to have flown into a frenzy, chanting “Don’t say another fucking word or we’ll have you killed by MI6”
Once Corbyns complete silence was assured he was surrounded and everyone burst into a rousing chorus of The National Anthem whilst photographing Corbyns non commitment.
So that’s the dinner in the oven…as opposed to on the end of my willy…call me old fashioned. I really must get down to some proper writing today rather than posting click bate…it’s just all these pigging distractions.
Here’s some memes you might not have seen. Some are from my very own Sod The Tories Facebook page. STT is a live comedy show we do at The Stand Comedy Club Newcastle. You can find us here and listen to the show….
Other memes have been nicked from Milk The Cow. They’re a very funny crew and you can listen to them here…
All of this is true…or is someone telling porkies…ok I’ll stop now.