Corbyn defeats Queen In Championship Hide and Seek finals.

 

Communist berserker Jeremy Corbyn narrowly defeated The Queen in this weeks national Hide and Seek championship finals.

After losing the toss her majesty was designated ”it” leaving Corbyn and fellow finalists to conceal themselves around Buckingham Palace. With this being a home game her majesty got off to a strong start. After her initial count to 63, one for every year she’s been on the throne, and may we be among the many to congratulate her majesty on the remarkable achievement of not dying, the game was on. Ready or not here one comes!

As an opening gambit Liz Regina had the national anthem played on full volume through the royal P.A. A cunning tactic that proved highly effective.  Within seconds Eamonn Holmes stood up revealing himself to be inside an 18th century large English oak mule chest coffer.

Then by following her finally attuned royal ear Kirsty Allsop was next up for the catch when she was discovered droning along to the words of God Save The Queen and hiding stereotypically behind some Renaissance drapery. “I just can’t understand why anyone would not join in with the anthem. But with some double sided sticky tape and a roll of vintage patchwork Rosalind Rose cotton you too can hide behind drapes just like these” remarked Kirsty. “Quite” Was the Queens terse reply.

But Corbyn was not to be tempted. If he was standing it wasn’t within Elizabeths eye line. And he has a strong track record on not being caught out by the lyrics.

The Queen then ramped up the pressure by announcing loudly, “Right! That’s it. I’m going to swear in the Privy Council.”

Was that a whisper of “Prior engagement” ironically coming from behind a vintage  Thomas Crapper Privy? Perhaps, but by the time her majesty threw the toilet door  open he was gone.

For her final tactic the Queen then threw on a state banquet and loudly exclaimed, “The Chinese President is heeeeeere!”

It seemed inevitable that Corbyn would leap from his hiding place and try to confront said President on his human rights record. Alack nay! The wily red had already arranged a prior meeting with said president on this very topic. Pretty underhand stuff, yet fairly typical behaviour for a man known to take 11 items through the 10 item checkout.

In the end the Soviet bastard that he is was announced winner.  He is yet to claim his prize of a late supper with MI6.

10 Things you just won’t believe about BuzzFeed

1: We never use images of busty women as click bait.

2: We never use stolen images or crib stuff from Tumblr or Twitter.

3: Articles about cats and dogs are not appreciated.

4: Your memories of the 80s mean nothing to us.

5: We never delete posts that criticise our advertisers.

6: All of our articles on weight loss actually work

7: Same goes for hair loss.

8: We never knowingly post hoaxes and if we do they are taken down immediately.

9: We are never guilty of exactly the same type of dodgy ethics we often pompously draw your attention to.

10: Pop culture related lists are not out modus operandi. We merely publish them to sooth all of our moronic followers.

10.5: We always do lists that are rounded up or down to the nearest factor of ten.

Poor turn out for messiahs leaving do.

Public speaker, cult leader and self-proclaimed king of the Jews Jesus Christ (no relation) held his leaving do at Jerusalem and District working mens club last Thursday.

Despite being an at times popular figure only 12 were in attendance. A disgruntled Jesus was heard to remark, “Bloody typical. If I’m handing out free sandwiches I get 5000. Water into wine, the party goes on for three days. Time for me to go now…12! Bloody 12! And that one there’s a grass!”

This final remark was aimed at a Mr. Judas Iscariot whom for reasons not yet known had to leave early.

There may have been some truth in this remark as towards the end of the night the local police arrived and arrested Jesus on a complaint that he was making too much noise.

Friends tried to console him by remarking, “OK so this Thursday’s a bad day. Never mind tomorrow’s the start of the weekend Friday should be a good one!”

One friend who certainly couldn’t be accused of informing was local fisherman and amateur blogger Peter (surname unknown) On several occasions he was questioned about his relationship with Mr Christ and is rumoured to have denied all knowledge of him.

On arrival the Romans organised a whip round.

Milk The Cow Podcast. (I-Tunes TOP 10)

Here’s Milk The Cow Podcast. I’m on this episode. It’s one of my favourite things to have had the pleasure to be involved in. These guys are in The I- Tunes TOP 10. Never mind me, listen to them. Informed, philosophical and often bloody hilarious.

http://www.milkthecowpodcast.com/podcast/2015/10/6/041milk-the-cow-podcastmr-sandsclass-warluke-cooperbeyond-capitalismjohn-scottsod-the-tories

Stand Up Comedy Set 2.

As a continuing occasional series here I am again with some examples of what a do for a living (honestly people really do give me money for this) to whom it may concern…some of this is brand new, some of it not so…Oh and that last set I posted…the Departure Lounge routine didn’t work…but the rest did…

BEE GEE to BEGGAR

I used to often start my sets with the words. It’s nice to be here, but then it’s nice to be anywhere when you look like a homeless Bee-Gee.

But this really happened to me outside a train station. I was standing quietly having a cigarette, when I suddenly saw 10 pence come flying through the air and land at my feet. I looked up and there was a dad with his wee boy, and the wee boy said, “There you go.”

So I picked it up and enquired, “Do you think I’m homeless?”

To which he replied, “No but now that you’ve picked it up we know that you’re Scottish.”

I said, “Don’t you stereotype me young man!” And then I glassed him.

NOT MR SATURDAY NIGHT.

I’m not your typical Saturday night comedian. In fact I look at modern Saturday night telly and despair.

If you enjoy Saturday night T.V. it’s not necessarily that I think you’re an idiot…but the people that make it…They think you’re a fucking moron.

But there are worse people than those that enjoy Saturday night T.V. There are those people that record Saturday night TV to watch at another time… and then come out to live comedy and expect me to replicate what they’re missing. Then look utterly bewildered as to why I’m not either skipping or noticing what’s funny about things like bread.

X-FACTOR

They say the X-Factor has destroyed the spirit of Rock and Roll, but that’s rubbish. Because every time it comes on I’m ready to throw the telly right out the window.

Everything’s commercial now, even Glastonbury. I remember Glastonbury when for 20 quid you’d get a complimentary ecstasy, free entry and a pre-prepared bottle of piss to throw at Paul McCartney.

CDs IN GENRE.

I’m a huge music fan. I’ve probably got over 600 CDs in my collection. That’s right ladies no digital in my house. Proper shelves put up for a proper man collection.

Men are a bit autistic when it comes to that stuff. We like lists. We like things being in alphabetical order. Don’t mess with that shit or the universe will explode.  I took that one step further once…I tried to put them in genre…It starts out easy. You go Punk easy, Britpop simple, soul, rock etc but.. then it gets complicated.

My wife found my system bewildering…

Where’s my ABBA CD?

Easy! That’s beside George Michael and the soundtrack from Moulin Rouge.

What genre is that?

Err…Gay. That’s right I turned gay into a genre. Like it’s something you could grow out of or just dabble in.

But that’s the problem. Where do you put someone like Bowie. He started of rock, went soul and ended up electronic.

My wife says, “Why is Bowies Ziggy Stardust period separate from the rest and next to Simply Red and Florence and the Machine.

Ah well I was solving a problem with that. So that particular period of his work is now under ginger.

Right…and what’s Coldplay, Leonard Cohens greatest hits and all the Oasis Albums apart from the first 2.

Simple…that’s boring.

And Robbie Williams is in with Jay Z and Kanye West…Robbie’s not a rapper.

No…but he is an arsehole.

Right…and Amy Winehouse, Bob Marley, The Doors and more George Michael. What on earth is that?

Ah…sadly that’s dead.

But George Michael isn’t dead?

Give him time pet…give him time.

Despite pressure from the LGBT Chilcot Inquiry refuses to come out.

Despite many attempts by both the media, pressure groups and the LGBT the Chilcot Inquiry still refuses to be “out” in the public domain.
In a statement it was remarked, “I will never be publicly “out”. “The relevance of whether I come out or not isn’t really in the public interest.” “If I do choose to come out you can guarantee blame will spread wider than Tony Blairs inner circle.”
The final remark is thought to be innuendos.
When Tony Blair himself was approached in regard to Chilcot coming out he remarked, “I don’t think people are really that interested. Chilcot is an open secret anyway. Can’t we just leave it at that and let sleeping piles of bodies lie. And when I say lie I’m obviously telling the truth. I can only go one way. I’ve not got a reverse gear…matron.”
Again the final sentence is thought to be innuendos (It’s still quite popular in gay culture. See Graham Norton)
It has been rumoured that over the years Chilcot has been in an occasional acquaintance of Cliff Richard, another suspected inspector of closet interiors. When questioned on this Chilcot remarked, “Look I find the question is Cliff Richard gay to be highly disrespectful. The question should be…Is SIR Cliff Richard gay.”
In a final statement Chilcot remarked, “Until we have received and evaluated responses from all those who have been given the opportunity to respond I cannot give an accurate estimate for how long it will then take to complete our work but it is still clear that will take some further months I therefore see no realistic prospect of delivering our report to you before the end of this year”
It’s not certain if this final statement is innuendos, a euphemism or just yet another obvious delaying tactic to stop the facts ever being in the public domain.
The Chilcot inquiry shall be appearing in Panto at Sunderland Gaiety Theatre this December as Widow Twankey

Obama Accuses Putin Of Needlessly Using The N Word During Rap Battle.

President Barack Obama has today accused the Russian President and stalwart of the Better Together campaign Vladimir Putin of needlessly using the N word during a rap battle summit on foreign policy.

In a heated exchange covering Russian targets in Syria, the Ukraine, how to helpfully bomb people and who looks best with their shirt off it is rumoured Putin opening rap gambit went along the lines of, “ Yo Motherf**ker.  I ain’t sayin’ let’s go Nuclear.  But who armed ISIS is like totally unclear!”

Obama retorted that this was a pretty lame start to a rap battle, but was willing to concede that nothing really rhymes with the N word Nuclear.  However, he also added that in his personal opinion and experience as a member of the people community that it was really below the belt to use the Nuclear word due to the distress it causes to wide groups of nearly everybody.

After agreeing they’d reached an impasse it was decided to start again. After losing the coin toss Obama was nominated to go first.  He shot from the Presidential hip and was said to be,” Rhyming like a bitch.” Below is a transcript of the event.

OBAMA. (ON THE SUBJECT OF THE N WORD) “There ain’t no word that comes any biggah! Starts with an N…say it to the wrong guy…Ends with a triggah!”

PUTIN:  “For rhyming it appears you’ve got a knack. Not a bad effort cos you’re not really black!”

OBAMA.  “Can we get back to the subject of the Bomb. I’m not the only brother that’s had sex with your mom.”

PUTIN.  “When it comes to sex I can go all day! But you’ll never find me at a wedding that’s gay!”

OBAMA.  “Look we really need to jive on what to do with ISIS. I’ll go for the obvious and say now it’s a crisis.”

PUTIN. “Yo, you rhyme like a junkie high on crack. I’ll say it now, I’ll say it proud, The U.S.S.R. is BACK!”

After these opening gambits the battle pretty much descended into jibes about who was the most heterosexual. Talks are to resume with a fresh rap battle on Israel and who shot Tupac next month.