Stand up Comedy Set 1.

As I’m a comedian (no really) I’ve decided I might start posting up material as I’m working on it. Some of this works and lots of the stuff here has never been tried. There’s an observational thing in here and I don’t normally do that stuff so that may be shit. You can knock observational comedians but it’s really not that easy. Also comedy I don’t think looks as funny on the page, so don’t dissect this too much. As they say comedy is like a frog. If you dissect it, it’s no longer a frog….hope you enjoy some of it.

SET STAND SEP 2015

JOCK SCOTT

Good evening. My name’s John Scott. Or as I get called at home jock Scott. That’s a very Scottish name…I’ve a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis broadband miners strike.

TURN OUT JESUS.

So this is a good turn out for a Wednesday. This is better than Jesus would sometimes manage. Think about it the last supper he only got 12…and that was his leaving do.

I would have been furious. “Oh right so if I’m handing out free sandwiches it’s 5000. Turn water into the wine the party goes on for 3 days. Time for me to go now…12! Fucking 12…and one of you is a grass.”

1-O-CLOCK GUN.

So I’ve just come back from the Edinburgh festival. I don’t know if you know but Edinburgh is famous for firing a cannon at 1-oclock every day. I’ve no idea why. Boom, get back to work you reprobates, or something like that.

Thing is one day I was up near the castle and a bunch of Americans were getting shown around, and I don’t think they’d been warned about our cannon or maybe it’s these days of heightened terror alerts. But when the gun went off they nearly all hit the deck.

It made me think wouldn’t it be fun to just set your watch and just before it went bang sneak up behind them and shout ALLAHU AKBAR!

ICE BUCKET

I’m joking don’t actually do that. Otherwise you’ll end up in Guantanamo doing a very long and drawn out version of the ice bucket challenge.

BELLYBUTTON.

So I’m a Scottish person. And As a Scottish person I notice that a lot of people look on me a bit like a bellybutton…is he in or is he out. Apparently half the people in the north east want independence from England and join with Scotland. What will we call the place? Newscotasleand?

BINGE DRINK.

So we enjoying a drink? I see the government wants to issue new guidelines on binge drinking. According to government figures if you have 4 drinks in one session that’s classed as a binge…Bugger off! That’s not a binge in Scotland…that’s a visit from your auntie.

THE FRENCH.

The government would like to see us drink more sensibly, like they do in Europe. You know it’s not unusual as a child in France to have a glass of wine or a beer with your dinner.

Thing is I reckon if the French had drank four pints of Stella a day instead of two…they might have put up some kind of fight against the Nazis.

JACKSON.

I’ve just come back from my holidays in Greece. We saw a great Michael Jackson tribute act. Admittedly he didn’t look much like Michael Jackson…but then again neither did Michael Jackson.

DEPARTURE LOUNGE.

I’m still like a kid when I fly. I still find airports exciting. I start at the train station. If I see somebody with a case, “Oh are you going to the airport? Me too! Maybe we can be pals?”

Then you get to the airport and there’s a big sign saying Newcastle Welcomes You. They might as well stick your name on the end of that. Newcastle welcomes you John! You’re more than welcome. I have to say I’m delighted to be here.

The best bit’s still to come. You go through security…and you don’t beep. That’s awesome every time. You do a wee dance. Better still you turn around and the wife, she’s beeping. YES! She’s getting the full search. You start shouting stuff at the security, “It’s her bra! There’s a lot of scaffolding in it.”

And your mood pretty much stays like that until you get to the departure lounge. That’s when you see the type of person that’s managed to scrape together some money to go on the same shitty package holiday as you. Oh fuck!

And then your mood takes the same trajectory as your flight. Weeeeehhh….and down.

I went to Greece this year. How can people going on holiday look so ill? You should have seen us 200 peasants desperate to go somewhere that people were worse off than us.

I wouldn’t have let half these people on a bus never mind a plane. I saw a woman who had Homer Simpson tattooed on her left tit. Some people see their body as a temple…others a toilet wall.

I swear on my mother’s life on our plane flying to Greece were two guys from NATO. Done up in the full gear with NATO written across their chest. I said, “What the hell are they doing here?” My wife said, “Don’t worry it’s nothing to do with us. It’s probably because of the refugee crisis.”

I said, “Take a look around you…this is a refugee crisis.”

WAR.

So it looks like our war on terror has been a great success. A bit like our war on drugs. We should have a war on Pandas they’d be fucking everywhere.

JIHADI JOHN.

I see jihadi John has been back in the papers. Security services say should we have detected Jihadi John earlier…well I thought the name was a bit of a giveaway.

MULTICULTURALISM / RACHAEL DOEZAL

I’m all for multiculturalism. We’ve borrowed from each other’s cultures for centuries. Thing is recently we had the curious case of Rachael Dolezal. She’s a white middle class American who pretended to be an African American activist. Now as I say “borrow” but there’s a line and she kind of pole vaulted across it.

BLACK AND WHITE.

White people don’t know what it is to be black! The last time I got harassed by the police it was because I was committing a crime. I was you I got caught with some drugs. I got away with it. The police said,

“Where did you get your drugs?”

“Err…some black people?”

“Yeah we thought so. What did they look like?”

“Err…well they had dark skin and err…hair”

“Yeah we know them. We thought that’s who it might be. Did you get any names?”

“Names? Err…I think it was Michael, Jermain, Tito…err…Prince and Lenny Henry.”

“Yup we know them. Get a van!”

WHITE MANS PROBLEMS.

White mans problems don’t equate with the black communities problems. I can prove this. We’ve had a big influx of students into Newcastle and a genuine headline in our local press said “Areas of Newcastle are being turned into student ghettos!”

Oh no not a student ghetto! My god I’ve seen them on street corners selling quiche! They make it in their quiche dens. I said I’m not buying quiche from you. Last time I got quiche from you it was cut with flan.

What is crime like in a student ghetto? Last night in a student ghetto a man had a Muller Light stolen from his bit of the fridge.

In other news a man had his duvet stolen during a house party. After examining his bed for DNA police have arrested 23 suspects.

White mans problems! There’s now a super-rich elite living in London who are complaining about foreigners that are richer than them.

A bankers wife wrote into the times and complained that “The Russians have completely distorted the nanny market. We can’t get our children into the right schools because they’re full on aspirational Chinese”

It’s not like that up north. Up north the Romanians have distorted the scratch card market.

HIP HOP.

As I say I’m all for multiculturalism. I’ve even been getting into Hip Hop. And yes I’m having problems saying that word. You know the one begins with an N, say it to the wrong person ends with a triggah!

Chris Rock says that if white people are talking about Rap or Hip Hop then it’s OK to use the word.

I can see a flaw in that argument. Well what if a bunch of white supremacists form a Hip Hop band. And their first single is, They Never Get Anything Right Dem Niggahs (Especially Chris Rock)

.

Jeremy Corbyn Rumoured To Have Put Some Private Part of his Mind Into The Brain Dead

Communist berserker Jeremy Corbyn is rumoured to be at it again. Audacious work for a man already accused of killing kittens every time someone doesn’t eat their crusts, bathing in Panda blood and according to some sources saving all his farts in a jar to only have them released on Jewish holidays.

According to a new book by an anonymous donor to The Conservative party who goes under the codename Daveham, Jeremy Corbyn was involved in a bizarre initiation ritual while becoming leader of an elite dinning club known as The Labour Party.

It is said that while attending a dinner of the shady Labour groups inner sanctum, strict vegetarian Corbyn turned down several attempts by other party members of trying to get him to pose for photographs with a private part of his anatomy in a dead pigs mouth.

Instead Corbyn deflected attention away from said ritual by apparently stating, “Look you lot, you’re not getting me like that. How about we all just calm down and scrap nuclear weapons instead?”

Rather than have the desired calming effect, this statement apparently sent this privileged group into some kind of posh person frenzy with many of the members swapping their red ties for a more off yellow colour. Apparently inner sanctum code for we’ll do whatever we want regardless of public opinion.

Corbyn is then rumoured to have said, “Well fuck off to the Lib Dems if you want. You wont be missed. Look just calm down. I reckon renationalising the railways will be hugely popular. In fact I’m quite popular. How can I be unelectable when I just got elected by the biggest majority in the history of modern politics?”

At this point the Labour group were said to have flown into a frenzy, chanting “Don’t say another fucking word or we’ll have you killed by MI6”

Once Corbyns complete silence was assured he was surrounded and everyone burst into a rousing chorus of The National Anthem whilst photographing Corbyns non commitment.

Some of the best Cameron Pig Memes you may have not seen…and a couple you have.

So that’s the dinner in the oven…as opposed to on the end of my willy…call me old fashioned. I really must get down to some proper writing today rather than posting click bate…it’s just all these pigging distractions.

Here’s some memes you might not have seen. Some are from my very own Sod The Tories Facebook page. STT is a live comedy show we do at The Stand Comedy Club Newcastle. You can find us here and listen to the show….

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2015/07/podcast-john-scotts-sod-the-tories-17/

Other memes have been nicked from Milk The Cow. They’re a very funny crew and you can listen to them here…

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1573460899542004/?fref=tsht

All of this is true…or is someone telling porkies…ok I’ll stop now.

Meme 75

Meme 72

pig 3

pig 8

meme 74

Meme 69

pig 7

pig 4

meme 73

pig 2

pig 2.

pig 5

pig 6

pig 13

pig 11

pig 16

pig 12

pig 14

Sacred to Profane (The little book of not calm whatsoever.)

“I finished a show last night and when I got to the train station I saw a blind man listening to some classical music on his phone. He didn’t have headphones, he was just holding the phone close to his ear. Despite this he was absolutely rapt. The music was obviously moving him deeply. The sight of this was both uplifting and saddening in a single moment.”

 

The above statement is absolutely true. I include it because as a newcomer to the blogosphere I’ve noticed there are many people writing beautifully uplifting pieces of prose. Much as I appreciate this on reading such stuff it reminded me that being a comedian is a bit like being a parrot with two heads. If we’re doing our job well one head tweets little bon mots of life affirming philosophy while the other responds with a few squawks of profanity. So I thought I’d do it with a blog.

 

  1. He who hesitates is lost. CATO…MEANING…..I’ll never play Modern Warfare online ever again.
  1. A desire arises in the mind. It is satisfied immediately until another comes. In the interval which separates two desires a perfect calm reigns in the mind. It is at this moment freed from all thoughts of love or hate. SWAMI SIVUNANDA….MEANING…. This is how everyone feels post masturbation.

 

  1. Leave it to others to be perfect, to be wonderful. Be content with what you are. you’ll be much more relaxed as a result. ANON…MEANING…. Christ, this might as well be on a poster in McDonalds. Keep thinking like this. We need more fat people.

 

4. After a storm comes calm. MATHEW HENRY…. MEANING ….. Bollocks. Try saying that to the victims of hurricane Katrina. Or those folks who’s property is on a flood plane. People who’s only comfort is there are nutters out there blaming such catastrophe on God punishing them because either A. They’re black…or…B. Have gay friends.

 

5. Concentrate on silence. When it comes, dwell on what that sounds like. Then strive to take that quiet with you wherever you go. ANON….MEANING… Or you can just pop in your I-pod ear plugs. Blast some ACDC and give a clear signal to homeless people you want nothing to do with them

.

  1. Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end. Then stop. LEWIS CARROLL….MEANING…. Birth, school, work, death. That ‘s it. Enjoy the credit card bills prole

.

  1. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ANON….MEANING… Crucify Rupert Murdoch.

 

  1. Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. POLISH PROVERB… MEANING. .. Look just fix my bloody roof. You lot you come over here. I though you were meant to be hard workers.

 

  1. Wherever you go you are there. KEITH CACERTA…MEANING…. You’ve never had your sat nav. go mental because the council have bolloxed up Sheffields one way ring road.

 

  1. If your bowels move, one is happy. If they do not move one is unhappy. That is all there is to it. LIN YUTANG….MEANING…. Err…actually this guy’s got it pretty much bang on.

Favourite Jokes no.2 (The funniest thing I ever saw)

In this series of occasional blogs I’m going to post some of the routines I’ve done as comedian and explain where they came from. This one below is probably the first routine I ever wrote. When I started out I was a very different comic. Much of my shtick was about being a camp guy growing up in a tough mining town. This piece very much comes from that world. The core of the story and punch line are very much based in fact. Of course I’ve embellished and gagged things up to turn it into comedy….

KARMA FOR THE SCHOOL BULLY.

“Ridicule is nothing to be scared of” So said primo New Romantic Adam Ant. He obviously never grew up where I did. If ridicule came in the form of 10 skinheads chasing you down the high street it was plenty to be scared of.

skinheads

I grew up in the 80s and was a New Romantic.

Gay clown.

Brave. Essentially I could be found running around a Scottish mining town in my mums blouse. Life for me could be like a 16th century Witch trial. The locals would proclaim, “Yeah, throw him in the pond…and if he floats he’s a poof.”

I’d be thinking, “Oh God. Not the pond again. Not with this blouse. I’m wearing a black bra.”

Bra

I used to have a flick over fringe like Phil Oakey from the Human league.   

Phil Oakey

I didn’t look like Phil Oakey though…I looked like Hitler had let himself go.

Hitler

Anyway. I was always getting stress from the bullies. In particular there was a guy called Bobby Schoolar. he was a right bastard.

Prince Harry 

So one day we were in chemistry and Bobby was trying to get my attention by stabbing me in the thigh with a compass. he leans over and says, “Hey Scotty you’re gay this should interest you.” I said look Bobby I’ve told you it’s the 1980s. I’m not gay. I’m a dandy highwayman.”

adam Ant.

So anyway he still leans over and says. “Whatever!” Then he started to whisper in my ear. he says. “Look don’t tell anybody this right…but last night I was in the bath…and I stuck my thumb….up my bumb…and it was good. now you wont tell anybody will you?”

What would you have done? I was on my feet so fast I nearly created a Higs Boson particle. I shouted to the class, “Hey everybody!! Schoolar just told me he stuck his thumb up his arse last night. And he said HE ENJOYED IT.”

Batman2

There was instant bedlam in the class room.

classroom

Everybody started chanting, “up the bum, up the bum, up the bum.” (I RESISTED AN IMAGE FOR THIS BIT) In amongst all the mayhem Bobby panicked and he tried to make a run for it. Just as he got to the door the teacher came in. Bobby slammed right into him.  The teacher saw this near riot and went insane. he screamed, “Bobby! Get back to your chair. I want you, to explain to me…EXACTLY what is going on in here?”

I thought…can this day get any better.  

cheesy grin.

Any way the outcome of the story was  for my bad karma I got a detention. But that’s nothing compared to what Bobby had to endure for his homophobic bad karma. he spent the next two years at high school with everybody that passed him in the corner holding up their thumbs and going, “Hey Bobby…are you alright.”

thumb

Laughing at the establishment Pt.1

As well as the blogs I will post here I was hoping to take a moment of your time to draw attention to another wee project of mine. On the last Monday of every month I host a militant topical comedy panel show called Sod the Tories (And Have A Nice Week)

We have a Facebook page which if you Like and follow you’ll be able to hear our monthly podcast of the show and see a host of other political comedy funnies going up on the page.

I’ve provided a link to the podcast BELOW 

http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2014/09/podcast-john-scotts-sod-the-tories-10/

And beneath are a list of some our favourite memes. We’ve just started doing these but they will be getting regularly added over the week.

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

1. Not so much a funny as a pertinent point. This one went viral with 7000 shares. It’s a representation of the closing speech I did at The Edinburgh Festival this year from a pro Scottish independence show called Anything’s Better Than These C**ts….(And yes that title did help sell tickets.)

MEME 7

2. Next is one by one of our regular show contributors Mr John Gibson.

MEME 11

3. We’re having a feminist special this month with three female comedians on the bill.

MEME5

4. And we like to cover Global issues as well as UK news.

MEME2

5. We also really hate the way mainstream politics has ended up.

MEME 14.

6. Admittedly some of our humour is quite hard hitting. But hey if you’re going to make an omelette…

MEME3

7. but we also like to look at the light hearted…

MEME 12

8. Sometimes we can even be quite subtle….

MEME4

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

9. This is one of my favourite jokes.

MEME 16

10. And here’s another wee beauty from the aforementioned John Gibson…

MEME 10.

So why not follow us on Facebook. I’ve posted plenty links.

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek