Sacred to Profane (The little book of not calm whatsoever.)

“I finished a show last night and when I got to the train station I saw a blind man listening to some classical music on his phone. He didn’t have headphones, he was just holding the phone close to his ear. Despite this he was absolutely rapt. The music was obviously moving him deeply. The sight of this was both uplifting and saddening in a single moment.”

 

The above statement is absolutely true. I include it because as a newcomer to the blogosphere I’ve noticed there are many people writing beautifully uplifting pieces of prose. Much as I appreciate this on reading such stuff it reminded me that being a comedian is a bit like being a parrot with two heads. If we’re doing our job well one head tweets little bon mots of life affirming philosophy while the other responds with a few squawks of profanity. So I thought I’d do it with a blog.

 

  1. He who hesitates is lost. CATO…MEANING…..I’ll never play Modern Warfare online ever again.
  1. A desire arises in the mind. It is satisfied immediately until another comes. In the interval which separates two desires a perfect calm reigns in the mind. It is at this moment freed from all thoughts of love or hate. SWAMI SIVUNANDA….MEANING…. This is how everyone feels post masturbation.

 

  1. Leave it to others to be perfect, to be wonderful. Be content with what you are. you’ll be much more relaxed as a result. ANON…MEANING…. Christ, this might as well be on a poster in McDonalds. Keep thinking like this. We need more fat people.

 

4. After a storm comes calm. MATHEW HENRY…. MEANING ….. Bollocks. Try saying that to the victims of hurricane Katrina. Or those folks who’s property is on a flood plane. People who’s only comfort is there are nutters out there blaming such catastrophe on God punishing them because either A. They’re black…or…B. Have gay friends.

 

5. Concentrate on silence. When it comes, dwell on what that sounds like. Then strive to take that quiet with you wherever you go. ANON….MEANING… Or you can just pop in your I-pod ear plugs. Blast some ACDC and give a clear signal to homeless people you want nothing to do with them

.

  1. Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end. Then stop. LEWIS CARROLL….MEANING…. Birth, school, work, death. That ‘s it. Enjoy the credit card bills prole

.

  1. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ANON….MEANING… Crucify Rupert Murdoch.

 

  1. Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. POLISH PROVERB… MEANING. .. Look just fix my bloody roof. You lot you come over here. I though you were meant to be hard workers.

 

  1. Wherever you go you are there. KEITH CACERTA…MEANING…. You’ve never had your sat nav. go mental because the council have bolloxed up Sheffields one way ring road.

 

  1. If your bowels move, one is happy. If they do not move one is unhappy. That is all there is to it. LIN YUTANG….MEANING…. Err…actually this guy’s got it pretty much bang on.

Favourite Jokes no.2 (The funniest thing I ever saw)

In this series of occasional blogs I’m going to post some of the routines I’ve done as comedian and explain where they came from. This one below is probably the first routine I ever wrote. When I started out I was a very different comic. Much of my shtick was about being a camp guy growing up in a tough mining town. This piece very much comes from that world. The core of the story and punch line are very much based in fact. Of course I’ve embellished and gagged things up to turn it into comedy….

KARMA FOR THE SCHOOL BULLY.

“Ridicule is nothing to be scared of” So said primo New Romantic Adam Ant. He obviously never grew up where I did. If ridicule came in the form of 10 skinheads chasing you down the high street it was plenty to be scared of.

skinheads

I grew up in the 80s and was a New Romantic.

Gay clown.

Brave. Essentially I could be found running around a Scottish mining town in my mums blouse. Life for me could be like a 16th century Witch trial. The locals would proclaim, “Yeah, throw him in the pond…and if he floats he’s a poof.”

I’d be thinking, “Oh God. Not the pond again. Not with this blouse. I’m wearing a black bra.”

Bra

I used to have a flick over fringe like Phil Oakey from the Human league.   

Phil Oakey

I didn’t look like Phil Oakey though…I looked like Hitler had let himself go.

Hitler

Anyway. I was always getting stress from the bullies. In particular there was a guy called Bobby Schoolar. he was a right bastard.

Prince Harry 

So one day we were in chemistry and Bobby was trying to get my attention by stabbing me in the thigh with a compass. he leans over and says, “Hey Scotty you’re gay this should interest you.” I said look Bobby I’ve told you it’s the 1980s. I’m not gay. I’m a dandy highwayman.”

adam Ant.

So anyway he still leans over and says. “Whatever!” Then he started to whisper in my ear. he says. “Look don’t tell anybody this right…but last night I was in the bath…and I stuck my thumb….up my bumb…and it was good. now you wont tell anybody will you?”

What would you have done? I was on my feet so fast I nearly created a Higs Boson particle. I shouted to the class, “Hey everybody!! Schoolar just told me he stuck his thumb up his arse last night. And he said HE ENJOYED IT.”

Batman2

There was instant bedlam in the class room.

classroom

Everybody started chanting, “up the bum, up the bum, up the bum.” (I RESISTED AN IMAGE FOR THIS BIT) In amongst all the mayhem Bobby panicked and he tried to make a run for it. Just as he got to the door the teacher came in. Bobby slammed right into him.  The teacher saw this near riot and went insane. he screamed, “Bobby! Get back to your chair. I want you, to explain to me…EXACTLY what is going on in here?”

I thought…can this day get any better.  

cheesy grin.

Any way the outcome of the story was  for my bad karma I got a detention. But that’s nothing compared to what Bobby had to endure for his homophobic bad karma. he spent the next two years at high school with everybody that passed him in the corner holding up their thumbs and going, “Hey Bobby…are you alright.”

thumb

Laughing at the establishment Pt.1

As well as the blogs I will post here I was hoping to take a moment of your time to draw attention to another wee project of mine. On the last Monday of every month I host a militant topical comedy panel show called Sod the Tories (And Have A Nice Week)

We have a Facebook page which if you Like and follow you’ll be able to hear our monthly podcast of the show and see a host of other political comedy funnies going up on the page.

I’ve provided a link to the podcast BELOW 

http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2014/09/podcast-john-scotts-sod-the-tories-10/

And beneath are a list of some our favourite memes. We’ve just started doing these but they will be getting regularly added over the week.

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

1. Not so much a funny as a pertinent point. This one went viral with 7000 shares. It’s a representation of the closing speech I did at The Edinburgh Festival this year from a pro Scottish independence show called Anything’s Better Than These C**ts….(And yes that title did help sell tickets.)

MEME 7

2. Next is one by one of our regular show contributors Mr John Gibson.

MEME 11

3. We’re having a feminist special this month with three female comedians on the bill.

MEME5

4. And we like to cover Global issues as well as UK news.

MEME2

5. We also really hate the way mainstream politics has ended up.

MEME 14.

6. Admittedly some of our humour is quite hard hitting. But hey if you’re going to make an omelette…

MEME3

7. but we also like to look at the light hearted…

MEME 12

8. Sometimes we can even be quite subtle….

MEME4

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

9. This is one of my favourite jokes.

MEME 16

10. And here’s another wee beauty from the aforementioned John Gibson…

MEME 10.

So why not follow us on Facebook. I’ve posted plenty links.

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek