The world has been taken over by shit James Bond Villains and Lazy racists.

It’s been a while but have decided to get this site going again after being away working on another. 

Here’s me in full flow at The Stand Comedy club.

You can follow my FACEBOOK page here.

And my YOUTUBE channel here.

On the anniversary of Thatchers Death (song)

Anniversary celebrations…

This just popped up as a Facebook memory. I wrote it on the day of her death. Trust me the sentiment still stands.



(Sung to the tune of Bye Bye Blackbird)


Cut back all our care and dole

So much woe

No tears to show

Bye Bye Thatcher

When nobody weeps for thee

On the street protesters meet

Bye bye Thatcher


You showed us no love or understanding

So Satan’s mark upon your arse is branded

Get out of bed, fight and strike

Go rioting ‘till late at night

Thatcher Bye bye

God Save The Sex Pistols

God Save the Queen.

I absolutely despise our national anthem. I switched on TV today to catch about 70’000 morons holding their chests and singing it at some American Football event being held at Wembley.

It’s not just that it’s a fawning piece of outdated pageantry. It’s that people seem to revel in the fact that it’s a constant reminder that yes we have a class system and as long as there’s a Queen or King you will NEVER be at the top. No matter if you cure cancer, end famine and bring about world peace all on the same day. As the song says, “you will never be royal.”

For me the most important single 45 of all time is God Save the Queen by The Sex Pistols. For me God Save the Queen isn’t just a great song, it represents a unique moment in British history when 4 young kids from impoverished backgrounds had the establishment totally on the run. Via a song a bunch of juveniles reminded people for a fleeting moment what’s really important in their lives.  And I don’t think that’s ever been really achieved before or since in the poptastic pop charts..

The lyrics to God save the Queen weren’t just considered inflammatory, they were seen as treason. The song shook  up the system so much that when it reached number 1 in the charts it was decided there was to be no number 1 that week. Through one song these young kids managed to induce an Orwellian type of censorship. It’s not happening. You’re opinions are suspended. Truth is lies. The thought police are monitoring the charts.  Eventually in 2001 the BBC issued a statement announcing that the song had in fact reached number 1. Rumours abound that the person who released that statement is now locked in the Tower making trainers for ASDA.

Personally I feel the song and the LP that accompanied it has been one of the most influential pieces of art in my, and many other people’s lives. It informed me of the importance of having an opinion. Do I dislike the Royals as people. Many of them yes. these new younger ones seem a tad better.

But here’s a thought for all you lovers of Wills and Kate. If you really do love them then why didn’t you give them what they probably really wanted out of their wedding…i.e. their privacy.

In most countries, parents can tell their kids that if they work hard and do everything right, they could grow up to be the head of state and symbol of their nation. Not us. Our head of state is decided by one factor, and one factor alone: did he pass through the womb of one aristocratic Windsor woman living in a golden palace? The US head of state grew up with a mother on food stamps. The British head of state grew up with a mother on postage stamps. Is that a contrast that fills you with pride? Imagine letting you’re pride in a person being dictated by the fact they arrived via a certain vagina.

Because in this country that’s all you have to do to be in charge. and trust me the establishment love that fact and will hang onto this style of privilege until it’s prized from their guillotined corpses.

But John the royals do so much for our country? Really? Were told the Royals are great for tourism. Out of the top twenty tourist attractions in the UK only one of them is related to the monarchy, Windsor castle at number 17. Ten places ahead of that is Windsor Legoland. So working on this logic should we to build a lego man and make it head of state? it would probably make more sense than the idiot Charles.

And there’s another flaw in most royalists opinion of the old institution. Many royal lovers don’t actually like certain royals. Look at Prince Charles. The majority of Brits don’t even want to see Charles as King. They want to skip him and put up William. Ah, no sorry. You see that’s republicanism and that would require a vote. And thanks to the current system you can’t have it both ways.

It’s an unhealthy society that invests in people being given God given privileges of the highest order over that of an impoverished child.

A couple of years ago I was in Scotland for my nieces wedding. While there I popped into a supermarket to buy some batteries for my camera. In front of me at the checkout was an elderly woman who was possibly buying her weeks shopping, it all fitted into a hand basket. As her groceries were being rung through she enquired as to why she was being charged twice for the two for one ready meals. The girl on the desk pointed out that one of the meals she’d picked up wasn’t in the offer and so she would have to pay the £2.99 extra.

At this the woman became visibly upset, almost panicked looking, because this extra £2.99 was beyond her budget and she had to take the embarrassing choice of putting the other meal back.  On the same day we were spending an obscene amount of money celebrating another old woman. It was the golden Jubilee.

I don’t hate the Queen. I hate this outdated system we have where privilege comes through blood and nothing else. If you want to go out and celebrate royals fair enough. But spare a thought for the other old lady whose budget probably didn’t stretch to being able to buy a flag to join in the pageantry.

So I’ll finish with a little bit of my stand up…..

I don’t hate the royals. In fact I quite like the weddings and Jubilees because I collect royal souvenirs. I think I’m one of the few people that owns a Camilla Doll….it used to be a Diana Doll…but I left it by the fire.

Do you know what I found most ominous about the royal wedding, is that they gave her Diana’s ring. That’s a bit ominous. it was like they were saying, “Let that be a warning to you.”

Will she live? Will she die? To tell the truth I don’t really care. As long as she outlives Elton John. No really if I have to listen Candle in The Wind again for another three months…I’ll probably drive myself into a wall…..So there you go. Bang goes the Royal variety show.

But we do like Prince Harry though. He seems down wiv da kids. he was on telly this week and it was pointed out that while he was at posh military academy Sand Hurst they had a nick name for him…they called him Harry Potter…that’s a bit rubbish isn’t?

I bet even Harry was going, “What? Is that the best you can manage? For Christ sake I’m ginger…And that’s not even my dad.”

No future , no future, no future….repeat until dead.