Things our prime minister should avoid.

1.Putting your penis in a dead pigs mouth.

2. Putting your penis in a dead pigs mouth in front of witnesses.

3. Putting your penis in a dead pigs mouth and having a photo taken for posterity.

4. Any student initiation ritual involving a dead pigs head.

5. Bacon sandwiches. (And photographers)

6. Prime Ministers question time (for the next month or so at least.)

7. Jewish  festivals.

8. George Orwells Animal Farm. (Some pigs are more equal than others etc…)

9. The wife.

10. Pissing off major conservative party donors.

11. The dead pigs relatives.

12. Social media.  (for the next 6 months or so at least)

13. The entire opposition apart from maybe Nick Clegg.

14. Sticking an apple in their mouth.

15. Frazzles (yes we all know how good they are…but really stay clear!)

16. Scotland (actually maybe the outdoors in general.)

17. Boris Johnson.

18. Getting stoned and listening to SUPERTRAMP??? (This really is weird behaviour. )

19. Bill Clinton.

20. Possibly the next election.

21. Definitely his next erection.

22. Selling very expensive pig sperm to the Chinese.

23. Any form of entertaining his children that involves pigs (Babe, Winnie the Poo, hey kids watch what I can do with this… etc…)

24. Telling lies (porkies)

25. George Osborn cocaine and prostitutes.

26. Mincing his words.

27. The Dewsbury County Conservative associations Pig Racing fundraiser.

28. Spam internet or tinned.

29. Kermit the Frog.

30. Puns involving words and phrases like, dispigable, boared, nose in the trough, it’s snout to do with me, Silence of the hams,  etc…

And finally Rebecca Loos. More than anything…Rebecca Loos.

A Pre Election Thing I Wrote…

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged so now hoping to get back in the saddle…This is a thing I wrote for Narc magazine just prior to the election of 2015…

THE STATE OF THE STATE.

So we have an election coming. I’m reminded of that old joke that goes, “I see we have an election coming. And of course the big problem is…One of them will win it.”

If you don’t know me I for the past two years have run a comedy panel show in Newcastle called Sod the Tories (And Have a nice Week) it’s as militant and angry as the title suggests.

For around 4 years now I’ve turned towards a more politicised style of stand up. Mainly due to the fact I find this government and most of its opposition to be utterly despicable.

I had to do an interview regarding austerity the other day and I found myself making this analogy……”Look I hate to sound predictable but we bailed out the banks to the tune of over 350 billion. Then we blamed the poor for that loss. That’s like having a big dog around the house that makes a terrible mess on the carpet. You say…that big dogs made a terrible mess on the carpet…I know…let’s rub the hamsters head in it.”

The interview suddenly ended. Didn’t even have a producer come on my earpiece and say thanks for that. Cut dead. Nothing,. I actually call that a result.

Once the election result comes in nothing is going to change too drastically. Nick Clegg says he’s still willing to do a deal with the Tories. I can only imagine this one is regarding his redundancy package.

But if you look at the longer game then things are veering off into uncharted territory. If certain folks get their way a Scots immigrant like me might be taking a trip on a get yerself hame van.  I see UKIP have unearthed another couple of racists in their ranks just this month. Well…it’s hardly where’s Wally is it?

Coming from the North we have the SNP. Again Nick Clegg has been making noises by stating…and I quote, “Ed Miliband is hoping to enter Westminster sitting in Alex Salmonds jacket pocket.” Yeah unlike you Nick who did it hanging out of Camerons arsehole.

For 20 odd years I was a pro yes supporter. It was never anything to do with abandoning the working classes of England. For me it was always about giving the establishment a mighty kick up the Trossachs. However, now that we may be putting a proper anti austerity pressure group via the SNP into Westminster I’ve changed track considerably. I’m now totally for better together. So much so I’ve actually gone and joined the Russian Army.

I reckon if tensions rise much more between the Scottish parliament and Westminster they may find a much quicker way to send their Trident missiles back to them.

And finally fighting for the top job we have Messrs Cameron and Miliband respectively. Does anyone care? Not one jot. This pair can relate to peoples genuine needs in about the same way the Yorkshire ripper used to relate to hammers.

The fact that both of these men see the call for more austerity as a vote winner pretty much sums up how detached they are. It’s like being represented by a puddle with autism.

So if we’re to spend another 5 years blaming the poor and the vulnerable for the fact you’re on a zero hours contract, working for less than minimum wage, with enough savings to take out a mortgage on an empty crisp packet and about the same level of trade union rights as a Bernard Mathews Turkey Burger…well by all means stick with the status quo.

But before we go let’s look at some facts. On average people think 27% of social security is claimed fraudulently. It’s actually 0.7%

People think 41% of public money goes on the unemployed. It’s actually 3%.

We actually spend 15 times more than that on pensions. So in our current climate of zero compassion politics the logical step to fixing the economy is to kill your granny.

And for all you kippers out there I’m not keen on Europe either. I think all Europe is doing is paying lip service to mega corporations so they can move cheap labour around the continent. But in saying that I’m blaming the cause not the symptom. Jeezo it’s amazing how just stopping to think for a second can move your thought process from bigotry to nobility.

PS…Yes I know I’ve left the Greens out of this. I’m just sticking with current media traditions. When it comes to the Greens the press pretty much treat them like a Scottish person would…leave them at the side of the plate.

Sod the Tories returns to the Stand Comedy July 27…

Sacred to Profane (The little book of not calm whatsoever.)

“I finished a show last night and when I got to the train station I saw a blind man listening to some classical music on his phone. He didn’t have headphones, he was just holding the phone close to his ear. Despite this he was absolutely rapt. The music was obviously moving him deeply. The sight of this was both uplifting and saddening in a single moment.”

 

The above statement is absolutely true. I include it because as a newcomer to the blogosphere I’ve noticed there are many people writing beautifully uplifting pieces of prose. Much as I appreciate this on reading such stuff it reminded me that being a comedian is a bit like being a parrot with two heads. If we’re doing our job well one head tweets little bon mots of life affirming philosophy while the other responds with a few squawks of profanity. So I thought I’d do it with a blog.

 

  1. He who hesitates is lost. CATO…MEANING…..I’ll never play Modern Warfare online ever again.
  1. A desire arises in the mind. It is satisfied immediately until another comes. In the interval which separates two desires a perfect calm reigns in the mind. It is at this moment freed from all thoughts of love or hate. SWAMI SIVUNANDA….MEANING…. This is how everyone feels post masturbation.

 

  1. Leave it to others to be perfect, to be wonderful. Be content with what you are. you’ll be much more relaxed as a result. ANON…MEANING…. Christ, this might as well be on a poster in McDonalds. Keep thinking like this. We need more fat people.

 

4. After a storm comes calm. MATHEW HENRY…. MEANING ….. Bollocks. Try saying that to the victims of hurricane Katrina. Or those folks who’s property is on a flood plane. People who’s only comfort is there are nutters out there blaming such catastrophe on God punishing them because either A. They’re black…or…B. Have gay friends.

 

5. Concentrate on silence. When it comes, dwell on what that sounds like. Then strive to take that quiet with you wherever you go. ANON….MEANING… Or you can just pop in your I-pod ear plugs. Blast some ACDC and give a clear signal to homeless people you want nothing to do with them

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  1. Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end. Then stop. LEWIS CARROLL….MEANING…. Birth, school, work, death. That ‘s it. Enjoy the credit card bills prole

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  1. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ANON….MEANING… Crucify Rupert Murdoch.

 

  1. Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. POLISH PROVERB… MEANING. .. Look just fix my bloody roof. You lot you come over here. I though you were meant to be hard workers.

 

  1. Wherever you go you are there. KEITH CACERTA…MEANING…. You’ve never had your sat nav. go mental because the council have bolloxed up Sheffields one way ring road.

 

  1. If your bowels move, one is happy. If they do not move one is unhappy. That is all there is to it. LIN YUTANG….MEANING…. Err…actually this guy’s got it pretty much bang on.