Consume (poem)

Just recently I found myself saying “Over thirty years ago we decided we were all just consumers…and now we’re utter c**ts because of that” So that inspired a wee poem


I want I want I want it all
Work buy get paid
Hoping to get laid
Give me more stuff
As I work rest
And get played
For that new phone
Over glass I would crawl
I only let Nike
Ever kick at my balls
I need I need I need everything
G string nose ring
Cling to the bling
Only drink this brand
Cos its the real thing
Eat drink
Piss in the sink
Work hard play hard
For everything else there’s MasterCard
I have I have I have all the best stuff
I bet he drinks Carling
He looks kinda rough
Gas coal and oil
The planet it boils
Screw it
Just do it
Who cares if it spoils
If there is shit
Then we’re shovelling it
But we care not a bit
Because we are loving it
This can’t last forever
It’s a fairly safe bet
Is this really
The best a man gets
Consume deplete
Live in compliance
This is the rot
The appliance of science
Advertising hoods
Finger lickin’ good
My health fuck it
Eat shit by the bucket
This credit card’s a git
Don’t leave home without it
We’re ravers and cravers
We’re masters and slavers
Lost sight of ourselves
Should have gone to spec savers
Does this fit that bit
Cashmere fine knit
Close pit job quit
Because we’re really worth shit




The Ladies of Greggs (poem)

If you’re reading this outside the UK I should explain Greggs are a nationwide chain of bakers who originate from the city I live in Newcastle. I’ve heard several locals refer to them as a good employer. I can’t vouch that 100% you’d have to ask the staff. But the notion of employers treating staff well is a dwindling standard across the globe with some large areas being shoved back to slavery. I think that’s what the deliver us from evil line is about at the end…



The ladies of Greggs work hard on their legs.
To bring us those pasties that keep us all fed.
The ladies of Greggs rise early from bed.
They’re the best of all mothers Ive oft heard it said.

With a smile and a cheery, “There ye gan pet.”
To say they seem happy is a fairly safe bet.
But why do they bother to bring us good service.
Most workers these days of their jobs they are nervous.

Because Greggs are an employer of decent repute.
Thats why you dont find them in industrial dispute.

For the cakes that they bake pay a good hourly rate so happiness at work is these ladies fate.

So we’d like to show thanks to the people at Greggs.
Deliver us from evil with our daily bread.

Did An Immigrant Steal Your Job. No It Was Tesco.

There’s a joke I sometimes do which unlike many of my jokes and stories is based in 100% fact. It goes thus…”I was on the road and found myself in a Tesco supermarket in Wales. As I was putting through my small amount of groceries the young man on the checkout asked if I had a loyalty card? I said I didn’t as there wasn’t a Tesco near where I lived. Really? He exclaimed surprised, Where do you live? I replied, well I’m not telling you otherwise when I get up in the morning there will be a bloody hypermarket at the end of my garden.”

Sadly and ironically since I wrote that short routine there is now a Tesco in the area. It’s about 5 minutes walk from the end of my garden, so I suppose that’s a slight victory.

What’s this got to do with immigrants/Tesco stealing our jobs? I’ll try to explain.

As we know our supermarkets are reliant on farmers. In recent years it’s become acutely obvious that farmers tend to rather employ foreign immigrants to do the heavy labour of harvesting plumbs or carrots etc. The number one reason they give for this, “British folk just wont do the work”

Now there may be a few reason us Brits might be reluctant to do this work but things like having to live in a hut onsite with 20 other folk, you don’t get paid for extra hours and what you do get paid (most of which will go to a rip off landlord) means you probably have to again ironically visit a foodbank despite the fact you’ve been handling the bloody stuff all day. Even UKIP agree these workers are treated badly.

But the idea that Brits are unwilling to do hard work is daft. Have you ever been on an Oil Rig? Did you meet many Bulgarians? No of course not. British folk like any other type of folk are perfectly happy to work in severe conditions as long as the wages are good.

So why is the farmer encouraging such push down economics and doing us all out of work? Well because that’s the only way he can just about stay in profit. Profit margins in farming are now very small. The reason for this is their customer i.e. the likes of Tesco exploit global markets and force them to put the price further and further down. Why get a carrot from Surrey when I get a cheaper one from Lithuania. In a way businesses like Tesco pretty much see people like carrots. And treat them likewise.

Surely this should result in cheaper groceries. Err…no, not now and not ever. Because Tesco then take the massive profits they make from this ideology and share it amongst executives and shareholders. 20 years ago a ton of wheat cost 180-200 pounds. Now it costs around 100. Yay cheaper bread! No. Not for you anyway. But for the executives and shareholders, well you know what they say… Every Little Helps…big style.

Surely our MPs should intervene. What and appear “anti business” Are you mad? Try putting up prices? What in a such a low wage economy as ours. There’d be bread riots!

It’s nuts isn’t it. I can actually sympathise with large sectors of folk that are worried about immigration because it affects those at the bottom more than anybody. I think there’s a ton of folk out there that are anti immigration not because they don’t like foreigners but because the country they live in keeps slamming their faces against a poverty wall. It worries me personally because if this arty farty lifestyle of mine were to stop. I’d be in that group. So tell us your work experience for the last 10 years Mr Scott. Err…telling jokes. OK, well now that, that’s gone have you ever considered fruit picking?

So what does the government do to help those at the whim of these merciless economics? We demonise them. Yeah that’s you ya scrounger. Here’s a tenner for a days work now why don’t you fuck off and take out a mortgage on an empty crisp packet.

I suppose the clues in the title…super…MARKET.