Conservative Christian.

So you’re a Conservative Christian

Gods Heaven is your future

To me you’re just a paradox

Like some vegetarian butcher

Did Jesus cure the cripple

With almighty power of kirk

Just to sanction all his benefits

‘Cos now he’s fit for work

2000 disability deaths

Of the lame you are a hater

I don’t think “blessed are the money lenders”

Were the words of our creator

So you’re a Conservative Christian

Because you go to church

Yet immigrants from holy lands

You’d like to give the birch

I don’t think Jeesy Peeps ethnicity

Sits well with Nigel Farage

Does this mean that you proclaim

“I’m a car” when standing in a garage

So you’re a Conservative Christian

Your Pro Life stance is nonsense

The stuff of fluff and gloss

For once we’re born into this world

You couldn’t give a toss

So on you go you hypocrite

Ring loud the old church bell

If your imaginary friend goes by his book

Well see you all in hell.

 

A Christmas message for the generation of the self.

Christmas is coming. But please remember there are people less fortunate than you. And there’s a good reason for that, it’s because you’re better than them! Fuck em! Homeless types are in that situation because they bring it on themselves. How dare they put us on guilt trips as we have to step over them during the sales. Same goes for the unemployed. What’s wrong with an 80 hour week on a zero hours contract? If you don’t want to do it I’m sure we can get some child from the Eastern bloc who’ll be more than happy on £2.50 an hour.

So stuff your face and spend thousands on bling, blood diamonds are probably best for profit margin. Up yours Jesus. Anyway Jesus hated the poor didn’t he? There was that time he cured the cripple. He said, “take up thy bed and walk. you’ve been declared fit for work you scrounging bastard” And as for May and Joseph…what you think we’re paying bedroom tax so you can just freeload for the night! That’s what we believe the rest of the year. So why change all that just because it Christmas? Why spoil 30 years of the self just because of some foggy minded Christian values. Hail Thatcher.

Stand up comedy set 6. Church of Scotland minister…

just wrote a wee thing that made my wife laugh…It’s never been tried on stage so blame her…

CHURCH OF SCOTLAND MINISTER…

In Scotland we used to have a show called Late Call. And it was a wee five minute slot that came on at the end of the night in which a Church of Scotland minister would come on and try and give you some life advice via some religious metaphor. They’d say things like.

“You know my son came to me the other day after he had been on the internet…and he said to me…Is God everywhere daddy? I said yes he is son. god is indeed everywhere. And he said…So…Is God like Wi-Fi then daddy?

So I thought about that for a minute…And in a way yes he is. God is very much like Wi-Fi…Which is probably why they don’t get him in  Grimsby..hahaha…of course that was a little joke…

But yes God is like Wi-Fi and of course like all Wi-Fi he has a password…

But maybe you’re using the wrong password. Say for example if your password is something like Asian Babes Anal Calamity. Then that’s the very much wrong password.

Let me perhaps give you a wee bit guidance. You know I typed the words God Almighty into Google the other day and I got three top answers.

1.Is God Almighty real,

2. Is God Almighty the movie based on fact?

and 3. God almighty what’s the cure for an itchy scrotum?

Now the second two are much easier to answer than the first one. But if you have the right password then you can answer that first ever so big question…and I’m going to give you the password now…the password is of course faith.

Although if you type that into Google it does tend to go straight to the website of Faith Paloma…that’s the wrong one. Lovely as she is…

But I’d like if I can to finish tonight’s Late Call with a wee joke…It’s not my joke…it’s one I got off the internet…

There was a Jewish man praying at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The Wailing Wall is of course a traditional place of worship in the Jewish tradition…Everyday they go there for a good old wail…which I suppose makes sense…they’re always moaning about something…hahaha…Anyway this Jewish man is working himself up into quite the religious fervour when a tourist comes by and asks him what he’s doing?

He replies, Every day my son I come here to pray. I pray for an end to war, I pray for an end to hunger and more than anything I pray for an end to this terrible situation between the Jew and the Arab.

So the tourist asks…and does that work.

To which the Jewish man replies…what do you think? I’m talking to a wall.

 

Comedy Outlaws no. 5. Billy Connolly…and the Crucifixion.

As a Scots comedian of a certain age there obviously must be one influence on me that stands head and shoulders above any other. When I was a very young kid I always wanted to be a Sex Pistol. Then my brother came back from University with Billy Connelly’s first albums and I discovered there was another thing you could be that’s just as exciting.

In my journey as a comic I’ve known a couple of comics who became famous that never rated Billy. I’ll not mention names the clue’s in where I live. After that I never really rated them. I can forgive younger comics not knowing him or finding the humour a bit distant. However I really do feel if you’re a comic and you don’t have some place in your work/heart for him then you really shouldn’t be doing the job.

The routine I’d like to discuss here I hadn’t listened to in some time. I was worried it might be dated. I’ve just listened to it now and I’m over the moon with how good it is. In fact after hearing this again I’ve decided I’m going to spend the coming months collecting his work and falling in love with him all over again. The routine of the Crucifixion is now 51 years old and it’s as hilarious and vibrant and at times risky now as it was when it was being touted around halls and working men clubs in the 70s.

Recorded at a small venue, The Tudor Hotel in Airdrie, it’s from the double album (vinyl) titled Solo Concert. I would urge anyone to seek out the whole thing. Releasing a live double-album by a comedian who at the time was virtually unknown (except to a cult audience in Glasgow) was an unusual gambit by the people behind it but their faith in Connolly’s talent was duly rewarded and they successfully promoted the album to chart success on its release in 1974.

What put’s Billy among the comedy Outlaws is a thing that people often don’t credit him with. He has constantly throughout his prestigious career tackled some of the darkest or potentially most offensive of subject matters. From many meditations on religion, to disability to causing outrage with a routine on hostage Kenneth Bigley (About which he says he was quoted out of context) But through force of personality and more likeable charm than a million Macintyre’s could ever hope to muster has so far only ever managed to offend exactly the sort of person you really hoped he would. Upon his debut on the TV chat show Parkinson in 1975 he told a bawdy joke about a man who had murdered his wife and buried her bottom-up so he’d have somewhere to park his bike. His own management had begged him not to do so.  He made the right choice and ignored their advice and his bawdy humour was a sensation. Stardom came rapidly and he became good friends with Parkinson himself. He still holds the record for most appearances on the show at 15.

In saying that he offended the sort of person you hoped he would among the more famous of the morally outrraged were Pastor Jack Glass and self-anointed morality police officer in Chief Mary Whitehouse.

Jack Glass was Described by the Rev Ian Paisley as “a bit of an extremist” Jack vehemently denied being a bigot but actively attacked and campaigned against, amongst other issues, the decriminalisation of homosexuality and rights for gay people, Nelson Mandela and the African National Congress, the Papal visit to Scotland, the Catholic Church, in fact, against anything or anyone who didn’t fit into his extreme Calvinist view of the world as being dominated by the Power of Darkness. And naturally, anyone who disagreed with Jack was a servant of Satan.

Perhaps it’s a bit cynical to say it but Jack was never one to pass up the opportunity for a bit of self-promotion, and one of his most notorious escapades was when he began picketing Billy Connolly’s concerts on the grounds that he regarded Connolly as a blasphemer. The cartoonist Malkie McCormick lampooned him in his weekly “Big Yin” strip in the Sunday Mail, by having a piece of graffiti on a wall saying, “Jack Glass is a wee pastor”. He died of cancer with which upon being diagnosed was quick to blame Satan for his malady. Looks like the Devil won in the end. Connolly himself credits him with being a fantastic help in selling out his early tours. Bringing him the type of publicity you just can’t buy. He dismissed the campaigns by Mary Whitehouse against him with the fantastic line, “Who wants to be told what to do by someone who’s name rhymes with toilet?”

So I’ll end this wee tribute to my hero by encouraging you to go find and listen. I’ve posted the full Crucifixion routine here plus another favourite. The former routine is just rammed with great one-liners and hilarious characterisation. “Jesus doesn’t need to come to the boozer. He can make a bucket load at home.” “I cured a deaf and dumb guy. His first words…Is it alright if I’m a protestant” “I got arrested by the Romans. I thought should be alright it’s my first offence.”

Scottish humour has always had a layer of darkness in it. That probably comes from it being a wee bit tough to live there. It exists in my humour and many of my fellow Scots comedy comrades. I’m actually proud of it. Comedy should be a rollercoaster ride. It should be exhilarating and a wee bit scary. I don’t think anybody will do it better than Billy when he’s on to a good one. He generates a thing that few comics can. Rolling laughter. Sure we can all get a big laugh or applause break but very few can induce hysteria. He has consistently throughout his life. He is the king of comedy as far as my not so humble opinion is concerned. Although I don’t think he’d appreciate being called King Billy for reasons to obvious to explain to those not from Glasgow. He still makes me fall on my side on the couch when I’m watching him and he should be credited with giving most of us a job. No Billy no modern comedy scene. It’s as simple as that. Enjoy.