Celebrity deaths 2016. #WorldPoetryDay

When you kicked off we were all crying No Way!
That can’t be the end of our David Bowie.
But the Reaper this year had a much bigger plan.
As he moved straight on to Alan Rickman
Seems we’re not immortal like Wolverine Logan.
As the house wives wept for old Terry Wogan
Even a Mockingbird death he would kill.
Turns out Harper Lee was feeling quite ill.
By the time he took out producer George Martin
We’re beginning to think, “this Death guys just startin’”
Paul Daniels didn’t like this, not even a lot
Then in Deaths grasp he was finally caught
The reaper moved on in an endless orbit
And it’s goodnight from him, wee Ronnie Corbett
Why are you taking the great and the good?
Oh come on man, not Victoria Wood
This slaughter of yours is making us wince
We’re not even sure what was wrong with Prince
Every week sees another, who is the latest?
Muhammad Ali no longer the greatest
The situation was getting fair bonkers
As Gene Wilders heart went a bit Wonka
But Death just continued, and he danced and he turned
Time to stop spinning Mr Pete Burns
Next was our U.N.C.L.E dear Robert Vaughn
Out like a light, then he was gone
And on and then on and then on he kept goin’
A last Hallelujah for nice Mr Cohen
What is it with you and these folks we adore?
Next up on his list goes Zsa Zsa Gabor
Death just continues, relentless his cycle
You really are kidding, it can’t be George Michael
We are your fans, this year’s made us blue
Goodbye Carrie Fisher, he’s finally through

 

CAT IN THE HAT DONALD TRUMP. #WorldPoetryDay

CAT IN THE HAT DONALD TRUMP

I do not like him or his hair

I do not like his angry glare

Or riding on a Camel hump

I do not like that Donald Trump

I do not like his orange face

His policies are a disgrace

I do not like his suit and tie

I do not like his beady eyes

He’s about as smart as Forest Gump

I do not like that Donald Trump

I do not like his fascist chums

And his crazy views on the Muslims

I do not like his tiny hands

I do not like for what he stands

I do not like the things he says

Or where on women his hand lays

He is the chief of all the chumps

I do not like that Donald Trump.

I do not like his Mexican wall

To make them pay takes some gall

He moans about the fake news

I hope it’s giving him the blues

You can only ask him stuff he likes

Just like Hitler and his Third Reich

Get rid of him I do beseech

This president we should impeach

With climate change he’ll do the trees in

He’s not afraid of committing treason

In the bin he should be dumped

I do not like that Donald Trump.

I do not like his nuclear expansion

While living in a gilded mansion

He’s got his hand upon the button

His face is like a cut of mutton

I do not like his Stepford wives

Just look at her she has no live

This man child he is a bully

A simpleton with brain so woolly

This bad man he is a racist

He sees the colour in our faces

He treats women like they are strumpets

He grabs a leg and then he’ll hump it

This planet really took a slump

When they elected Donald Trump.

Celebrity Deaths 2016…Poem.

When you kicked off we were all crying No Way!
That can’t be the end of our David Bowie.
But the Reaper this year had a much bigger plan.
As he moved straight on to Alan Rickman
Seems we’re not immortal like Wolverine Logan.
As the house wives wept for old Terry Wogan
Even a Mockingbird death he would kill.
Turns out Harper Lee was feeling quite ill.
By the time he took out producer George Martin
We’re beginning to think, “this Death guys just startin'”
Paul Daniels didn’t like this, not even a lot
Then in Deaths grasp he was finally caught
The reaper moved on in an endless orbit
And it’s goodnight from him, wee Ronnie Corbett
Why are you taking the great and the good?
Oh come on man, not Victoria Wood
This slaughter of yours is making us wince
We’re not even sure what was wrong with Prince
Every week sees another, who is the latest?
Muhammad Ali no longer the greatest
The situation was getting fair bonkers
As Gene Wilders heart went a bit Wonka
But Death just continued, and he danced and he turned
Time to stop spinning Mr Pete Burns
Next was our U.N.C.L.E dear Robert Vaughn
Out like a light, then he was gone
And on and then on and then on he kept goin’
A last Hallelujah for nice Mr Cohen
What is it with you and these folks we adore?
Next up on his list goes Zsa Zsa Gabor
Death just continues, relentless his cycle
You really are kidding, it can’t be George Michael
We are your fans, this year’s made us blue
Goodbye Carrie Fisher, he’s finally through

 

 

 

 

 

Some favourite quick jokes.

Some of the my favourites. You can see me in clubs…I might not be doing stand up, but that’s where you tend to find me….   

My uncle wasn’t well in life. he used to have a cheap NHS pacemaker. It wasn’t so great…every time he farted the garage door would open.

Mt father passed away through having white asbestos all through him. The funeral was lovely but it took an age to cremate him.

A man said to me, “Hypothetically speaking you’re in a hot air balloon with Donald Trump and Theresa May…Who do you through out?”   I said “Probably myself.”

Government to impose cuts to mental health services. Self harmers were said to be initially furious but then spotted a window of opportunity

Andrea Leadsome famously said, “men can’t be nannies, because all men are potential paedophiles. ” I wonder what it was about working in Westminster that made her leap to that conclusion.

If Heather Mills and Abu Hamza were to have a baby together they’d make a pirate.

I saw in the paper the other day a headline proclaiming “The Hunt is on For The New Jihadi John. I thought these talent competitions have gone too far.

My name is Jock Scott which is a very Scottish name. I’ve got a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis Broadband Miners Strike.

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.

In Scotland we didn’t vote for Brexit because to us the word just sounds like something’s been damaged. Brexit…it’s what happens when a fat lass sits on a chair.

I got the Donald Trump version of Cluedo. that’s the one where it doesn’t matter who did it, you just always blame the immigrant…and Mrs White always wins.

A UKIP councillor has claimed that the recent floods were caused by God being angry at gay marriage. I was sceptical until I heard that lightning had damaged the statue of Jesus in Rio.  God must be depressed about something if he’s started to self-harm.

It wasn’t all good news for Farage in the lead up to the election was it? He got hit by an egg in Stoke.  Because of that he now chooses to travel with four body guards. Fair enough…there’s six eggs in a box.

A UKIP donor has published an advert in the Telegraph stating there is no such thing as homophobia because the words not in the dictionary. It actually is in the dictionary. It’s sandwiched in between homoerotic and homosexual….which is probably the last place homophobia wants to be sandwiched but that will teach it a lesson.

So we finally left the EU. Or as UKIP pronounce it EUGH!

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.