Some favourite quick jokes.

Some of the my favourites. You can see me in clubs…I might not be doing stand up, but that’s where you tend to find me….   

My uncle wasn’t well in life. he used to have a cheap NHS pacemaker. It wasn’t so great…every time he farted the garage door would open.

Mt father passed away through having white asbestos all through him. The funeral was lovely but it took an age to cremate him.

A man said to me, “Hypothetically speaking you’re in a hot air balloon with Donald Trump and Theresa May…Who do you through out?”   I said “Probably myself.”

Government to impose cuts to mental health services. Self harmers were said to be initially furious but then spotted a window of opportunity

Andrea Leadsome famously said, “men can’t be nannies, because all men are potential paedophiles. ” I wonder what it was about working in Westminster that made her leap to that conclusion.

If Heather Mills and Abu Hamza were to have a baby together they’d make a pirate.

I saw in the paper the other day a headline proclaiming “The Hunt is on For The New Jihadi John. I thought these talent competitions have gone too far.

My name is Jock Scott which is a very Scottish name. I’ve got a cousin from Yorkshire called Hovis Broadband Miners Strike.

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.

In Scotland we didn’t vote for Brexit because to us the word just sounds like something’s been damaged. Brexit…it’s what happens when a fat lass sits on a chair.

I got the Donald Trump version of Cluedo. that’s the one where it doesn’t matter who did it, you just always blame the immigrant…and Mrs White always wins.

A UKIP councillor has claimed that the recent floods were caused by God being angry at gay marriage. I was sceptical until I heard that lightning had damaged the statue of Jesus in Rio.  God must be depressed about something if he’s started to self-harm.

It wasn’t all good news for Farage in the lead up to the election was it? He got hit by an egg in Stoke.  Because of that he now chooses to travel with four body guards. Fair enough…there’s six eggs in a box.

A UKIP donor has published an advert in the Telegraph stating there is no such thing as homophobia because the words not in the dictionary. It actually is in the dictionary. It’s sandwiched in between homoerotic and homosexual….which is probably the last place homophobia wants to be sandwiched but that will teach it a lesson.

So we finally left the EU. Or as UKIP pronounce it EUGH!

I actually typed tax evasion into the internet and it just went to Google’s homepage.

Gary Barlow is so tight that when questioned about tax evasion he wouldn’t even share his thoughts.  Sorry, I mean Gary Barlow OBE – Offshore Banking Expert.

John Gets Mad. Bi-Polar tales 1. (Don’t be a pain in the arse.)

I’m soon going to do a new show based around experiences of mental illness called John Scott Gets Mad. The things I post here are first ideas of what will be in it.

There’s a fair bit of hippy dippy thinking out there that goes along the lines of, “oh but if you take a medication for your mental health problem you’re not addressing the problem you’re just masking it.”

Look the condition I have is genetic. It requires treatment but is also very treatable. If it rains you put on a coat. It’s the Same idea when taking a treatment. Of course you get whack jobs like Scientologist Tom Cruise who claims all mental health treatments are the work of the Devil. Perhaps Tom if you took a pill you might have a moment of reflection on your double divorces and come to terms with the fact that your gay.

Saying that, having a mental health disability isn’t an excuse for being a pain in the arse. Or so my wife keeps telling me.

I once went on a tour to raise awareness on suicide in the highlands of Scotland. It’s really proportionally high up there. Lots of alcohol and access to shotguns.

The woman who organised the tour works with self harmers. She herself was a self harmer. She was also one of the rudest and more difficult of folks I’ve ever had to deal with. If she wasn’t trying to completely control everything we did she spent the rest of the time trying to convince us we were all self harmers. By the end of two weeks I was wondering why she had to self harm at all. I would have happily offered up a quick punch in the kidneys.

“Oh you bite your nails. That’s a sign of self harm. Oh you smoke. That’s self harm”…OK you got me there…”drink, that’s self harm”…Fuck you the reason I’m drinking is to get through the next week with you. The best one was, “If you were a Goth in the 80s there’s new evidence to suggest that’s self harm.” Are you kidding me? The reason I was a Goth in the 80s was because I liked to sleep with slightly over weight girls in fishnets. How can being a Goth be an illness when you’re in a band called The Cure???

But the biggest pain was the obsession she developed over the size of my luggage. Every day at regular intervals. “That case is TOO BIG. It’s too big for the Highlands. It’s TOO BIG for this tour.”

The reason my case was bigger than the other comics was they were all going home half way through. I was away for a full 12 days.

Eventually one night in a calmer moment everyone got to speaking about their families, partners and children. “Do you have any children John?” She enquired. “Yes I’ve got three.” I replied. “Oh really? That surprises me.”

“Oh..Well I should explain none of them are mine…no they’re all in that big fucking case I’m dragging around the place.”

 

Stand up comedy set 6. Church of Scotland minister…

just wrote a wee thing that made my wife laugh…It’s never been tried on stage so blame her…

CHURCH OF SCOTLAND MINISTER…

In Scotland we used to have a show called Late Call. And it was a wee five minute slot that came on at the end of the night in which a Church of Scotland minister would come on and try and give you some life advice via some religious metaphor. They’d say things like.

“You know my son came to me the other day after he had been on the internet…and he said to me…Is God everywhere daddy? I said yes he is son. god is indeed everywhere. And he said…So…Is God like Wi-Fi then daddy?

So I thought about that for a minute…And in a way yes he is. God is very much like Wi-Fi…Which is probably why they don’t get him in  Grimsby..hahaha…of course that was a little joke…

But yes God is like Wi-Fi and of course like all Wi-Fi he has a password…

But maybe you’re using the wrong password. Say for example if your password is something like Asian Babes Anal Calamity. Then that’s the very much wrong password.

Let me perhaps give you a wee bit guidance. You know I typed the words God Almighty into Google the other day and I got three top answers.

1.Is God Almighty real,

2. Is God Almighty the movie based on fact?

and 3. God almighty what’s the cure for an itchy scrotum?

Now the second two are much easier to answer than the first one. But if you have the right password then you can answer that first ever so big question…and I’m going to give you the password now…the password is of course faith.

Although if you type that into Google it does tend to go straight to the website of Faith Paloma…that’s the wrong one. Lovely as she is…

But I’d like if I can to finish tonight’s Late Call with a wee joke…It’s not my joke…it’s one I got off the internet…

There was a Jewish man praying at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The Wailing Wall is of course a traditional place of worship in the Jewish tradition…Everyday they go there for a good old wail…which I suppose makes sense…they’re always moaning about something…hahaha…Anyway this Jewish man is working himself up into quite the religious fervour when a tourist comes by and asks him what he’s doing?

He replies, Every day my son I come here to pray. I pray for an end to war, I pray for an end to hunger and more than anything I pray for an end to this terrible situation between the Jew and the Arab.

So the tourist asks…and does that work.

To which the Jewish man replies…what do you think? I’m talking to a wall.

 

Stand up comedy. Set 3.

And here we are still working up the routines for those whom it may be of interest to. Here’s some stuff we put out over the weekend….

BEE-GEE.

I’m always saying I look a bit like a homeless Bee-Gee. But when you think about it the Scots are quite like the Bee-Gees. We’re hairy, we like to sing…and two thirds of us die prematurely.

In fact sorry if I sound a bit chesty tonight, but I drive a Volkswagen. You combine that with fact I’m a Scot and I like sausages and I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of this set.

HEALTH.

I see the government want to raise retirement age in this country to 70. Which means most men in Scotland will enjoy their retirement 20 years after they’ve passed away.

We’re just not healthy. Life expectancy for a man in certain areas of Scotland is 57! Mind you if you live in Dundee…that’s probably enough.

Good old Dundee where the heroin comes in batter.

DIET

I’m still a bit tubby me but I was really over weight not so long back. My young smug doctor recommended I go on a diet. He said, “You’re now 16 stone. You’re clinically obese.” And then he asked, “How do you think this has happened?

How did I think  it had happened? I felt like getting a hold of his stethoscope and shouting into it, “Err…Cheese burger and chips please.”

So I went on a diet. And it was horrible. This diet was so austere as a treat I was brushing my teeth for a pudding. So what I do now to improve my diet is I watch Master Chef. Because before I watched Master Chef lunch for me would be a pie and a blob of brown sauce. But not since watching Master Chef. No, what I do now is I put the pie in the middle of the plate…and I drizzle the brown sauce around the edge of the plate.

DEAD BRIAN.

I’ve never been the most healthy of people. At school I was never very good at sports. I used to get called names…things like…goalkeeper.

I’m becoming aware of my mortality now, because there’s a thing that happens in your 40s that you don’t expect…a couple of your friends get ill and die. You get this really ominous phone call that starts with, “Hullo…Have you heard about Brian?”

Now when you get a phone call that starts with Hullo have you heard about Brian…there’s only two things that Brian could have done. He’s either touched a kid or he’s dead. Thankfully ladies and gentlemen he was dead. It was such a relief. Well I was getting suspicious…he’d been watching a lot of Rasta Mouse.

TREE.

I have to watch now. I used to live excessively. I used to do a lot of drugs. Hell, we used to drug drive. Well my mate Jimmy would drive and I would roll the joints. It really does affect your judgement. One day I glanced up from my rolling and said, “Hey Jimmy man look out we’re going to hit that tree. No really…Jimmy! Look out there’s a tree right in the middle of the road…Oh no, hang on a minute…It’s the air freshener.

PERMA STONE.

I was perma stoned man. I was always doing that thing where you wander into a room and then ask…why did I come in here? What’s that?…..Oh I see…This is where I work.

SOBER OCTOBER.

I’ve been trying though…I’ve just done the whole Sober October thing. And I’ll try to keep going on into Just say no November. I’ll probably relapse during the festive period. That will be can’t remember December. Jacked up January. Fucked for February…in a morgue by March.

Thing is I don’t really trust people that don’t drink. Hitler didn’t drink. Apparently one pint and he turned into a right bastard.

SCARY STORY.

You’re always learning about yourself. I recently discovered I’m still afraid of the dark. I did a gig in December and got of as train in the countryside in the evening and it was already dark. My Google maps said I can either pay 10 pounds in a taxi to get me to the gig…or…there’s a 15 minute shortcut across the moors. That’s the actual words it used…across the moors. Everybody knows you shouldn’t cross the moor. That’s where the werewolf lives!

But I thought to hell with it. I’m saving a tenner. 10 minutes in I was shitting myself. It was pitch dark and I hear a coughing noise coming from a field. That’s a sheep I told myself…they’re notorious for their tickly throats…it’s all that wool.

A few minutes later things got worse. I went into a valley and came to a tunnel. It was too late to turn back now. So I was edging my way through pitch darkness in this tunnel. By now I’ve got a small pair of scissors that I use to trim my beard held out in front of me. Had anybody just stepped out of the darkness and said good evening…fuck it…they were getting stabbed in the throat.

And then I realised…This is how friendly fire happens. I’m in the country and I’m terrified of a sneezy sheep.  Imagine if you were at war. If you were spread out. What’s that noise. Who goes there? No answer. fuck it I’d fire. And that’s when it happens. Shit that was one of us.

Well, it happens all the time this is a war after all. Never mind I’ll make the phone call…hello…have you heard about Brian?

Stand Up Comedy Set 2.

As a continuing occasional series here I am again with some examples of what a do for a living (honestly people really do give me money for this) to whom it may concern…some of this is brand new, some of it not so…Oh and that last set I posted…the Departure Lounge routine didn’t work…but the rest did…

BEE GEE to BEGGAR

I used to often start my sets with the words. It’s nice to be here, but then it’s nice to be anywhere when you look like a homeless Bee-Gee.

But this really happened to me outside a train station. I was standing quietly having a cigarette, when I suddenly saw 10 pence come flying through the air and land at my feet. I looked up and there was a dad with his wee boy, and the wee boy said, “There you go.”

So I picked it up and enquired, “Do you think I’m homeless?”

To which he replied, “No but now that you’ve picked it up we know that you’re Scottish.”

I said, “Don’t you stereotype me young man!” And then I glassed him.

NOT MR SATURDAY NIGHT.

I’m not your typical Saturday night comedian. In fact I look at modern Saturday night telly and despair.

If you enjoy Saturday night T.V. it’s not necessarily that I think you’re an idiot…but the people that make it…They think you’re a fucking moron.

But there are worse people than those that enjoy Saturday night T.V. There are those people that record Saturday night TV to watch at another time… and then come out to live comedy and expect me to replicate what they’re missing. Then look utterly bewildered as to why I’m not either skipping or noticing what’s funny about things like bread.

X-FACTOR

They say the X-Factor has destroyed the spirit of Rock and Roll, but that’s rubbish. Because every time it comes on I’m ready to throw the telly right out the window.

Everything’s commercial now, even Glastonbury. I remember Glastonbury when for 20 quid you’d get a complimentary ecstasy, free entry and a pre-prepared bottle of piss to throw at Paul McCartney.

CDs IN GENRE.

I’m a huge music fan. I’ve probably got over 600 CDs in my collection. That’s right ladies no digital in my house. Proper shelves put up for a proper man collection.

Men are a bit autistic when it comes to that stuff. We like lists. We like things being in alphabetical order. Don’t mess with that shit or the universe will explode.  I took that one step further once…I tried to put them in genre…It starts out easy. You go Punk easy, Britpop simple, soul, rock etc but.. then it gets complicated.

My wife found my system bewildering…

Where’s my ABBA CD?

Easy! That’s beside George Michael and the soundtrack from Moulin Rouge.

What genre is that?

Err…Gay. That’s right I turned gay into a genre. Like it’s something you could grow out of or just dabble in.

But that’s the problem. Where do you put someone like Bowie. He started of rock, went soul and ended up electronic.

My wife says, “Why is Bowies Ziggy Stardust period separate from the rest and next to Simply Red and Florence and the Machine.

Ah well I was solving a problem with that. So that particular period of his work is now under ginger.

Right…and what’s Coldplay, Leonard Cohens greatest hits and all the Oasis Albums apart from the first 2.

Simple…that’s boring.

And Robbie Williams is in with Jay Z and Kanye West…Robbie’s not a rapper.

No…but he is an arsehole.

Right…and Amy Winehouse, Bob Marley, The Doors and more George Michael. What on earth is that?

Ah…sadly that’s dead.

But George Michael isn’t dead?

Give him time pet…give him time.

Laughing at the establishment Pt.1

As well as the blogs I will post here I was hoping to take a moment of your time to draw attention to another wee project of mine. On the last Monday of every month I host a militant topical comedy panel show called Sod the Tories (And Have A Nice Week)

We have a Facebook page which if you Like and follow you’ll be able to hear our monthly podcast of the show and see a host of other political comedy funnies going up on the page.

I’ve provided a link to the podcast BELOW 

http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2014/09/podcast-john-scotts-sod-the-tories-10/

And beneath are a list of some our favourite memes. We’ve just started doing these but they will be getting regularly added over the week.

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

1. Not so much a funny as a pertinent point. This one went viral with 7000 shares. It’s a representation of the closing speech I did at The Edinburgh Festival this year from a pro Scottish independence show called Anything’s Better Than These C**ts….(And yes that title did help sell tickets.)

MEME 7

2. Next is one by one of our regular show contributors Mr John Gibson.

MEME 11

3. We’re having a feminist special this month with three female comedians on the bill.

MEME5

4. And we like to cover Global issues as well as UK news.

MEME2

5. We also really hate the way mainstream politics has ended up.

MEME 14.

6. Admittedly some of our humour is quite hard hitting. But hey if you’re going to make an omelette…

MEME3

7. but we also like to look at the light hearted…

MEME 12

8. Sometimes we can even be quite subtle….

MEME4

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek

9. This is one of my favourite jokes.

MEME 16

10. And here’s another wee beauty from the aforementioned John Gibson…

MEME 10.

So why not follow us on Facebook. I’ve posted plenty links.

FOLLOW US VIA THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.facebook.com/sodthetoriesandhaveaniceweek