A Geordie Rhapsody.

I’ve posted this under poem but that’s stretching it. A bit of fun parody…

(To the tune of the more famous one)
I’ve been to pick up cigarettoes for me mam.
Hole in roof of ma hoose
Got a problem with me cash flow
Sunderland is frightening.
They’re always bloody fighting me.
Canny pay no, canny pay no, canny pay no for ma loan
I’m just a Geordie from a poor family
He’s just a Geordie from a poor family
Blaming me wife for me burnt sausages
Easy come easy go will we score a goal
Oh why man no
We will not score a goal
Oh why man no
We never score a goal
Score a goal, score a goal
Nae, nae, nae, nae, nae, nae, nae
Bring us Keegan, Bring us Keegan
Bring us Keegan he scored goals.
Just leave us a stottie on the end
Of the sideboard please.
For me


Imaginary B-Sides. Number 1.OASIS… PIE IN THE SKY

Number on in a short series of songs that don’t exist…but maybe should…



Pie in the Sky.

Oh my oh my, We’re oh so high

We’re in the sky, like we can fly.

And when I look at youououououou

I’d like to smash you in the pie.


Cos we can’t be in the same room as each other.

Like Kane and Able we’re brother on brother.

And when you stand next to meeeee

If you were on fire

Well I wouldn’t peeeee.


Oh my oh my, We’re oh so high

We’re in the sky, like we can fly.

And when I look at youououououou

I’d like to smash you in the pie.


You took the fun out of our holiday summer.

Pissed on my castle you’re a total bummer

I don’t think you can even seeee

When we’re on stage

They hate you not meeeee


Oh my oh my, We’re oh so high

We’re in the sky, like we can fly.

And when I look at youououououou

I’d like to smash you in the pie.


Your such a twat you’re more southern than northern.

The worst thing to see is your face in the morning.

You think you’re the king of the beeeees

If you come around.

I’ll take you out at the kneeees.


Oh my oh my, We’re oh so high

We’re in the sky, like we can fly.

And when I look at youououououou

I’d like to smash you in the pie.


I/Mmature Student 9. New perspectives. Love the arts.

So there’s been no Immature Student blogs this week. The reason for that is I had a go at writing a 15-20 minute bit of theatre. That took up a fair bit of time and energy both physically and mentally. What I was writing is part of a competition from our local fringe theatre group Alphabetti Theatre. We were to write a 20 minute “response play” to a play we saw there. Truth us  first year students didn’t actually have to do this but I’m a big believer in just getting something down, moving out your comfort zone and seeing what happens. I’m lucky that I’m going through a very unblocked period as a writer. There are reasons for that. Go back about 8 years and I could hardly produce a thing. A great friend of mine and fellow comedian Martin Mor gave me a book called the Artists Way. It’s a book that’s as much about therapy as it is about freeing the creative process. It eventually worked for me along with other factors that take too long to get into here.

I was pleasantly surprised when one of our lecturers advised my fellow students to follow some of its practices this week. As for the bit theatre I produced…well quite by happy accident I produced something that acts perfectly as a kind of warm up play to the new solo monologue about mental health I’m putting together. (“Solo monologue about mental health” ??? That’s new. I used to just call it stand up!) That’s why sometimes its worth just going for it. I’ll post it here once the competition winners are announced.

There’s so much to report about this week I just can’t in a quick blog that’s also supposed to entertain. . All I can say is I’m doing things that comedian me would have poured scorn on two weeks ago, but who now is looking at others and the world around him with a shifted perspective. Anyhoo this is supposed to be entertaining. I decided last week Fridays blog would be compilations of things from the arts I love. So here’s some more. have a good weekend.

Here we have Boys From The Blackstuff. The fact you’ll find no BBC drama addressing issues of unemployment, poverty and the disenfranchised on the TV just now is very telling. It’s taken Ken Loach with his new film I Daniel Blake to set the record straight. But this Alan Bleasdale drama hasn’t aged a day. If anything it’s even more important now. Go find the whole thing if you’ve never seen it.




Growing up in the 70s he was everybody’s favourite Doctor. Here faced with a great dilemma. He remained my favourite Doctor for a long time…well until this Scottish bloke arrived…


And here he is. Our latest Doctor delivering the greatest anti war speech ever of a so called “Kids show” In fact maybe just one of the best anti war speeches ever. Carling don’t make anti war speeches…but if they did…


Time for a musical interlude I think. There are umpteen versions of Heroes out there. But this one from the Concert For New York is among the best. This concert was a remembrance of all who died in 9/11. It was also really aimed at the Firemen/women, policemen/women ambulance men/women etc who died trying to attend to the situation.

Whether you think it was a staged conspiracy or a real event isn’t important. What’s important is the impact this song has on the service workers in the audience. Service workers who give much with little reward all over the planet. Heroes.


Rock and Roll is exhilarating. Dion here putting one of the last more traditional forms of that into the charts in 1961. But what they do here isn’t that far from what the next guy did with his first bands…


And here’s that next guy. The Sex Pistols is where as a kid I found music. They were  a bunch of kids who had the establishment on the run. What they did has never been repeated…because it has never been allowed to. They learn from their mistakes those establishment types. This song was about the current prime minister.


I’m sticking with the great John Lydon/Rotten. He’s done much outside his first band and will always be an icon to me. This song was taken off air because it was out at the time of the L.A riots. As always he was ahead of the game. “Burn Hollywood burn.”


As we’re on the subject of Hollywood here’s something they’re good at. Great action in films takes great direction. It has a story and beats to it as the action unfolds. If you just throw spectacle at it you end up with nothing. That’s why Batman V Superman was shit. When I first saw this film I thought it was the greatest Batman movie ever made…It didn’t have Batman in it, it had an assassin called Leon. But really it was a Batman film and heavily influenced by Frank Millers work in that field. This is action as ballet. Every move is perfected.





Milk the Cow podcast.The Bowie debate.

Here’s the latest episode of Milk The Cow a fantastic podcast I’m occasionally involved in. I could only appear on the first half as I had to do a gig. In this one we discuss rape culture and the accusations against David Bowie. There’s also a great interview with a junior Doctor discussing their fight/plight and our despicable government.



On the 35th anniversary of John Lennons death.

I remember much of the day of John Lennon’s death. I was ten/nearly 11 years old. I got up in the morning and walked into the living room to be told immediately by my mother that John Lennon had been shot and killed. “Is he one of the Beatles?” I enquired. Yes I was told. “Good.” I replied.

You see I was a supposed young  punk and in my immaturity thought this was a cool thing to say. My older brother Bill who I hadn’t noticed sitting to the side of me in tears probably wanted to swing for me. “He doesn’t understand” My mum hastily interjected. I can’t remember much of what unfolded immediately after that but my next memory is of me walking to school accompanied by my brother and on seeing how upset he was apologising. My brother was so patient with my ignorance bless him.

“You know there are quite a lot of Beatles songs that are quite punk that you would really like. Revolution and Helter Skelter. You would love them.” And he was right. I did love them when he played them to me later that night.

I’m reckoning by around some point in the day the gravity of what had happened was beginning to dawn on me. I can’t thank my brother enough for his patience that day. Rather than scold me he led me towards Johns music. I fell for it pretty fast.

That night the BBC showed the Beatles film Help. My dad thought it a pile of nonsense. I thought it nonsense too. Excellent nonsense.

The first Beatles album I owned was Revolver. Given to me by the same patient brother. In later years I would give a copy of the CD to my nephew.  I also around this time acquired a cassette of the John Lennon compilation album Shaved Fish. That’s when I started to realise I’d known Johns songs for much of my life. Great songs.

I was in town today buying a couple of new T-Shirts. I picked up one with the classic New York logo on it. Laughed to myself and thought “if I combine that with my faux military shirt it will look a bit John Lennon.” (in no way am I saying I’m anything like him.) I had no idea it was the 35th anniversary of his death today. Just one of those funny little synchronicities I’m very into. He’s obviously often in my mind and I’m happy to have him there.  He’s an easy target for criticism. I prefer to go the harder way and hold him dear.

There’s been 1.15 million Americans killed by guns since John Lennon’s death.  I know his campaigning for peace can seem naïve. It wasn’t. Nobody was more aware than him that he was a silly/fun advert for peace. He pointed this out many times. But at least he was a voice for something. Where are those voices in the corporatized  world of music now. With the state of the planet you’d think there would be anti-war songs coming out every week. Sadly they don’t. Things, including the arts, are much more controlled now.

John Lennon’s silly/fun advert for peace is a voice I would give much for to still have in the world today.


Just what is so remarkable about Mr David Bowie?

I wrote this a couple of months before our beloved hero passed away. Thought is was worth another visit and have updated a wee bit….


I’m what’s known as a Bowiephile. It’s a term used to describe a fanatical David Bowie fan. I once read that the only fans that match the dedication of Bowie fans are the followers of Elvis. I think I agree with that. The first blog I was going to write about the Great Dame David, The Grand Poobah of alternative rock, soul, electronic, folk, dance, disco…etc…etc…etc was going to be about my journey as a fan. But then a more fun idea came to me. There is no way everyone will agree with the points raised here. Not all of it is meant to be taken seriously. Listen to me, don’t listen to me. Talk to me, don’t talk to me. Dance with me, don’t dance with me. No. …err…Beep Beep!

  1. He invented the Mullet.

OK maybe not the greatest of claims. It is possibly the most derided haircut in history. But here’s the point, not only was he the visionary of this two haircuts for the price of one style…he’s the only person in history that it actually suited. Not only that, but after a series of failed attempts at stardom, once he did change the hair fame came like a juggernaut. Which makes that particular haircut probably the most successful in Rock and Roll history.  Others have tried and failed miserably. See Bono, most of the planet in the 1980s.


Awesome Mullet.


Bad/smug mullet


sports mullet.

mullet 3

Only Ziggy can save him now…

  1. He wrote, co-wrote and produced co-produced 4 of the most influential albums of all time IN ONE YEAR!

1977 is a big year in modern music history. While punk was shaking the rock establishment tree and finishing off the hippies Bowie managed to sidestep the whole commotion by retreating to Berlin and putting in a fairly decent effort to get off the fame juggernaut that had now ploughed into a snow drift sized pile of cocaine.

I’m cheating slightly with this. I think the creative period that these four albums were put together took place over 14 months. But why get pedantic when you realise what albums they were. Low, Heroes for himself and Iggy Pops The Idiot and Lust for Life.

Let’s just list some of the songs from those sessions…Sound and Vision, Be My Wife, Heroes, Sons of the Silent Age, China Girl, Lust For Life,  The Passenger, Night Clubbing…Several of these have went on to iconic status.

Heroes is remarkable in that not only being one of his greatest anthems but when he does it live at times he’s improved on the original recording. I’ve posted such an example below.

Interesting fact. The brilliant riff on Lust for Life is often credited to being lifted from The Supremes You Can’t Hurry Love. And drummer Hunt Sales does seem to get some inspiration from this. However the real inspiration came from the Armed Forces Network, station ident (They both watched this lot in Germany. In particular Starsky and Hutch) which was a radio conning tower (like the old RKO logo) giving off a staccato signal: BEE.P-beep-beep, BEEP-BEEP-be-BEEP. One night, watching TV with Pop in his apartment, Bowie took his son Duncan’s ukulele and played the AFN riff on it. The two started building up a song. “Call this one ‘Lust for Life’,” Bowie said.

  1. He has continuously left potential big hits on his albums unreleased as singles.

As we well know when Bowie is on form he not only creates phenomenal albums he’s also an extremely adept hit writer. In fact so good is he at writing such hits that often throughout his career including right up to the present day he doesn’t even bother releasing them. It’s been said he does so for the simple savvy marketing device of getting folk to invest in the LP. It’s also been said to drive record company bosses to distraction. I’ve put a list of songs I believe could have been hits. No way anyone will agree. But I’ve also posted a couple to help prove my point.

Wild Eyed Boy From Free Cloud, The Man Who Sold The World, Oh You Pretty Things, Queen Bitch, 5 Years,  Lady Stardust, Cracked Actor, Rock and Roll With Me, Word on a Wing, Always Crashing In The Same Car, Sons of The Silent Age, The Secret Life of Arabia, Fantastic Voyage, Bus Stop (Tin Machine) , No Control, Survive, Everyone Says Hi, A Better Future, Fall Dog Bombs The Moon, The Next Day (Ok the last one had a video made but was only released as a limited edition white vinyl. And it’s from his latest albums and is one of his best efforts ever!)


  1. He’s quite the collaborator.

Not just a great solo artist but he’s knocked out some formidable collaborations. From producing Iggy to Lou Reeds Iconic Transformer LP. Sits down with John Lennon for 5 minutes and knocks out his first American number 1 in the shape of the song Fame. Does a Christmas song with BING CROSBY. No way should it work…but it does (Incidentally a lot of people believe the Peace On Earth part of the song to be based on a traditional arrangement. It’s not, it was written especially for the track.) Get’s together with Queen and knocks out one of the best songs either of them ever made, which is not bad considering their respective back catalogues. Actually gave us all a not bad laugh with Mick Jagger by sending themselves up. All the Eno stuff. Has also appeared alongside Arcade Fire, Marc Bollan, Goldie, Mott The Hoople, Lulu, Adrien Belew, Tina Turner, Placebo and err…Scarlett Johansson.

  1. He’s from outer space AND the future.

Space Oddity is now over 45 years old and it still sounds like it could have been recorded next week. From its twin vocal approach to the human condition capturing words of “Planet earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.” Which is as relevant today as it was in yesteryear. And your heart still soars at the “Tell my wife I love her very much…SHE KNOWS” bit every time.

Not only were we introduced to him as a man from outer space, his first band proper were from Mars and he was a man who fell to earth.

All that aside he is a major fan of science fiction which has gone on to influence his son Duncan Jones being one of the hottest new sci-fi/fantasy film directors currently in Hollywood.

Even in his later less innovative years he was the first artist ever to release a song only available on digital download. At the time they said it would never catch on. If I was him I’d be after a percentage from I-Tunes.

But the surprise biggie was his last album The Next Day (still got one eye on tomorrow.) It was as fresh and as relevant as anything from his golden era. It also got him his mystique back which is pretty impressive after 50 odd years at the game.

He has a new single Blackstar out on November the 20th and an album of the same name will be released on his birthday in January. For the first time in a quite a while that’s a really exciting prospect.

Life as a U2 “fan?”

When they were first coming to prominence I hated them. All this nonsense of “There’s been a lot of talk about this next song. This is not a rebel song. This is Sunday Bloody Sunday” Tosser! Me and a whole world of other indie kids thought. If you’d said it was a rebel song I might be interested.
But the bastards wouldn’t go away would they. Pride (in the name of love) came next and me and a whole world of other indie kids quietly said to ourselves actually that one’s quite good. But you’re still a tosser…and the mullet is getting worse.
The first time I read about The Joshua Tree was in the NME. The phrase that sticks in my mind is “they’ve finally released the album we all thought they might be capable of” 5 stars.
I certainly wasn’t convinced by the opening single With or Without You. However that third single Where the Streets Have No Name…Ah now wait a minute…that sounds like one of the best songs ever recorded. A Space Oddity or Mr Blue Sky for the 80s…but fuck em. They were really tedious at Live Aid. And you still need to fix that mullet…oh hang on he’s grown it out.
Next comes Angel of Harlem, “Edge play the blues” and let’s face it a stunning rendition of Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For with a full blown gospel choir. At around this time I win ten grand on the pools. Bugger it, I think I’ll get The Joshua Tree and Rattle and Hum…I’ve got a few grand to spare. I can maybe allow myself the odd frivolity.
Move on a year or so… I love these albums. There’s a lot on their other albums I like too.
So Achtung Baby is their first release under me now having become a “proper” fan. It’s a masterpiece. The bastards, I’m in too deep now. I go to see them live on that tour. It’s phenomenal and they seem to be taking the piss out of themselves and any over sincere fans that might be left.
More experimental albums follow. Mixed but good. In 2000 they release another belter in the shape of All that You Can’t Leave Behind.
Next album treading water, album after that dull as dishwater.
Get up the other day to find their latest thing has been snuck under my pillow by the U2 fairy. I can only feel a tad sorry for the other half a billion folk probably not too happy about the fact the U2 fairy has indiscriminately been invading their personal space. How corporate are you guys going to get?
Finally sit down to properly listen to the album on me I-pod. The second half produced by Danger Mouse is excellent…and there’s stuff in the first half that’s getting under my skin. That makes it a good U2 album (in my own personal U2 journey) Have now been listening to it for a couple of weeks and think it excellent.
 Tossers. Even as a fan I could have lived with it being all over. They’re like Coke. You either drink it or you don’t.
Tip for the future… grow the mullet back. Might make you retro chic.

Do they have a future? Probably. Bloody hell…here we go again.