Scene from a play. (I/Mmature student 4.)

I imagine I’ll regret posting early stabs at stuff up here as things go on. Bugger it. We’ve been asked to write our first wee scene. We were given this start… 

A man enters and finds a letter. He opens the letter, reads it and tears it into little pieces, then leaves.

And then to develop some physical action to follow this and then to produce a scene. I admit this is a bit hack and obvious but hey it’s also about having fun. Any resemblance to real life characters is purely coincidental. Oh and one other thing if you want to see me live I’m hosting Stand Up for Corbyn at The Tyne Theatre Newcastle tonight.

THE CLEANER.

Scene  1.

A man enters and finds a letter. He opens the letter, reads it and tears it into little pieces, then leaves.

A woman then enters. She is cleaning. On the wall are two paintings, one of Winston Churchill and one of Margaret Thatcher. She dusts the Churchill then blows a raspberry and makes a rude gesture towards the Thatcher leaving it uncleaned. She then finds the letter and starts to piece it back together.

Mrs Ribble.  Ee…Someone’s not popular. There must be about two thirds of that shower asking for his resignation. Shower o’ shite the lot of em.

The man re-enters. He finds the cleaner with the letter.

Mr Radisson.   Err…hello. Are you the new cleaner? You really shouldn’t be reading that you know.

Mrs Ribble.     Divin’t worry pet. Your secret’s safe with me. Ah haven’t got that git from the papers lodging in me spare room to cover that friggin’ tax o’ theirs.

Mr Radisson.   You mean Rupert Murdoch?

Mrs Ribble.     No the one that does the gossip column. Piers…something…Anyway he’s gone right doon in my estimation since he was hacking all them phones. How dare they, and Hugh Grant was such a gentleman aboot it all.

Mr Radisson.   Yes but I really must stress the severity of this. If one word gets out…err…Mrs, Ms?

Mrs Ribble.     Ribble. Like rabble but with an ibble as opposed to an abble.

Mr Radisson.   Well Mrs Ribble I really can’t emphasise enough how what you’ve read mustn’t be spoken of outside this room. I have to prepare a statement in response. You do realise this is what we call a political coup? There’s every bit of a chance I might not even be in this office this time next week.

Mrs Ribble.   It must be hard…

Mr Radisson. It was expected. You see I’m trying to take the party back to…

Mrs Ribble.     No I mean on your feelings. It must be hard on your feelings. There’s a lot of people on that list I’m sure you regarded as friends and yet here they are putting the knife in. That must be hard. I reckon a lot of folks don’t really see you as a real person. Just another face off telly. To tell you the truth Mr Radisson I’ve never really been interested in the world of politics but that was because the world of politics was never really interested in me. But then you arrived and I thought you had some nice ideas. I’d like cheaper trains. I have to get the train here every day and it costs a bloody fortune. It’s no wonder they’re called Virgin ‘cos no bugger wants to ride on them. (LAUGHS)

Mr Radisson. (LAUGHS) Oh that really is quite good…

Mrs Ribble.   Ee maybes you could use it at the next Prime Ministers question time.

Mr Radisson. Well… perhaps not. Look, Mrs Ribble that really was the kindest thing I’ve had said to me in months.  I am a person and yes this betrayal is causing all sorts of pains. These ideas of mine aren’t new, if anything they’re quite old fashioned. They’re what this party is supposed to stand for. However much a brave face I put on this I really am not sure this is a fight I can win. Too many of own party have a lot to lose.

Mrs Ribble.     Well I for one hope you take them on and fight this oot. And there’s a lot of folk feel like me aboot you. You’re a proper fresh breath ye are. If it helps there’s a saying we have in my family, I don’t know if it’s become popular, but we say it a lot. It goes, Divin’t let cunts put ye in a mincer.

Mr Radisson.   Err…I think that might be, don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Mrs Ribble.     Trust me pet. I know what I mean. My husband came up with it after he saw that film Frago.  Anyhoo I best get on. I’ve got a pile of overtime on since we did a Brexit. Most of the other cleaners have buggered off back to where they come from. And who can blame them! (LAUGHS)

Mrs Ribble exits leaving Mr Radisson in contemplation.

An open letter to Richard Branson and his trains (Renationalise the railways)

 

I travel on British trains a lot. I reckon trains in India are better. We have the worst and most expensive service in Europe.  

The east coast line went back into public ownership and became the most efficient and profitable in the country. But we can’t be having that. Where is the sense in customer care. But panic not we managed to get rid of all that by selling it back to Richard Branson.

He actually has a sign on these cattle trucks that asks How are we doing? and an address to send your thoughts to him….So here’s the letter I wrote.

HOW AM I DOING.

Dear Richard Branson I thought I’d just send a quick note in regards to your question how am I doing? Well I’m afraid the answer’s not very good. I’m not sure where to start on this subject but let’s first go with the often overwhelming stench of unprocessed shit that often tickles my nostrils when traveling on your bovine Cowperson express.

How can we explain to you that it takes more than an egg cup full of water to flush a toilet that has been blocked since Newark Northgate?

It’s not all bad news though as I’ve discovered a fitting revenge to this situation when passing through Grantham the birth place of Margaret Thatcher and spiritual mother to pus ridden colossal greed juggernauts like your good self.

As soon as your train pulls into Grantham station I take great delight in running through it and flushing every toilet IN THE STATION. Thus depositing the pungent effluent of two generations of an exploited, tyrannized and quite frankly totally constipated work force. Try leading the masses by the nose after that one you creepy haired cat wanker.

If somehow I manage to work up an appetite on your defecation express can I please point out that not even NASA have figured out how to make a cheese and ham toastie in a fucking microwave.

The fact that this service costs £132.00 to go from Newcastle to London and is often so overcrowded I’ve seen people pass out yet still remain upright, packed in like Scousers at a Poundland sale, is yet another moot point. This should be enough reason to have you put on one of your new space shuttles on a one way trip to the moon.

I can’t believe you actually think we want to go into space with you? The toasties would be even worse and there would be shit floating everywhere!

Personally I would like to beat you to death with bags of your own money.

I’ll tell you this sir your trains are well named Virgin because nobody wants to ride on them.

Yours the customer.

Former “in” Bellybutton now supports “out”

A bellybutton who was a longstanding supporter of in, or as they are known commonly an “innie” has now declared to be a supporter of out, also known as an “outie”

When questioned on why they had changed their stance they remarked “I would like to clear up a few myths about being out of the main part of the body. Just because I am out this does not mean  the brain will decamp to Frankfurt. Nor will the bottom lose it’s subsidies. It’s also ridiculous to say that a bellybutton exit or Bexit as we now call it  will damage the genitals “special relationship” with the U.S. As for all this scaremongering that the bottom would be more susceptible to terrorist attacks… well that’s just below the belt scaremongering.”

When also asked if this new stance was perhaps a bid to gain the leadership of the backbone at the next election the bellybutton had this to say. “It would be a wonderful thing to be the backbones leader. It is at least five years away which is an aeon in the body politic, by which time whatever my personal ambitions may be, there will be competition from young thrusting body parts both male and female who will be overtaking me so who knows.  As I’ve said many, many times before that it’s more likely that I will be reincarnated as an olive or shoved back in by a champagne cork or Unscrewed entirely resulting in the bum falling off.”

More recently the bellybutton has caused controversy by accusing the arms and legs of goose-stepping in a fashion similar to the Nazis.

The question of in or out still remains on a knifes edge.

 

Some economic advice.

It’s interesting when you go to the cash machine and one of the options is, would you like an advice slip. The thing is it’s not really advice is it? It’s just the correct information about the precarious state of your financial affairs.

If it was advice it would say something like…ah well…you’re fucked. But it isn’t all your fault.

The reason for your financial distress is our governments have sold themselves out to large corporations.

These corporations are moving cheap labour all around the globe which results in wage stagnation and push down economics.

They have no interest in your financial welfare. They are designed to push for maximum profits at a great cost to human welfare.

These profits are then divided among a small group of share holders and directors while you the worker get pushed further and further into almost slave like conditions.

You have one of two choices in this situation. You can stick your head in the sand until they take the last of your rights from you…or…you can unite, take up arms and tear down your oppressors.

Now that would be advice.

 

OI! Google…pay your frickin taxes.

In 1986 after a four year in-depth and skilled apprenticeship I qualified as a journeyman printer. A good trade. Respected and financially sound due to the training involved. If you told me then that for the next ten years my wages were going to stay the same while the board of directors and shareholders cut of profits were going to rise astronomically. Also as an extra incentive the board and shareholders aren’t going to pay ANY tax and you the employee are going to be expected to cover the loss…well there would have been a national strike of print workers and we would have knocked such ridiculously unfair conditions back to the turn of the century where they belong. But that is exactly what has happened to your average workers wage and conditions over the past decade. With little resistance.

There are many reasons we’ve submitted to such appalling remuneration for our work. I think one of the biggies is lack of housing and everyone being mortgaged up to the hilt. It’s much more difficult to strike with a mortgage over your head. When Thatcher sold off all the housing stock I’m quite certain that was part of the plan.

This week were told Google would pay 130 million in tax in the UK. It turns out that’s about 3% of profits. So as a self employed person I immediately got on the phone to Inland Revenue to see if I could strike the same deal. 11 years  ago when I first became self employed I used to ring the Revenue and after a few rings get an answer, solve the problem I was having and pay some tax. Today I rang the phone for 25 minutes with no answer. You know why? Because there is no bugger to answer it. The government have slashed jobs in that sector. That’s how serious they are about appropriate taxes being collected.

Today at Prime Ministers question time our glorious leader David “piggy” Cameron was confronted on the issue of Google’s tax avoidance. His answer…”It was the same under the last Labour Government.” What sort of moral justification is that?  It’s like smearing the walls of your house in shit because prior to you moving in a psychopath used to live there and that’s what they did.

Bizarrely this week if you type tax avoidance into Google it takes you to articles about Google’s tax avoidance!

And it never seems to end! I was in Starbucks the other day with my laptop buying something on Amazon and it struck me the only person paying any tax in that particular situation was me.

Here’s some interesting figures and estimates from the UKs financial status of the past year.

120 BILLION LOST through tax avoidance and evasion.

16 Billion PROFIT from unclaimed benefits.

1.2 BILLION LOST to benefit fraud.

Out of these three what do you hear most about. That’s right the benefit fraud. That’s where the government are focusing their recourses. That’s why your wages have stayed the same for 10 years, because of benefit scroungers, absolutely nothing to do with a bunch of elites milking the entire country and your household dry . It’s bullshit of the highest order. However, due to media saturation from press barons who are all tax avoiders themselves…this is where the public thinks the blame lies. We’re at a point now where the public for the sake of their and their children’s futures need to wake up and smell the coffee…and make sure whoever is selling you the coffee is paying for the privilege of doing so.

 

 

Stand up comedy set 5.War on Terror (Excert from forthcoming solo show)

Here’s a wee bit from my forthcoming solo show to be recorded at Newcastle Stand comedy club on Jan 25th for release on I-Tunes…hope it makes you chuckle/think…

 

ICE BUCKET-1-O-CLOCK GUN.
You know when the incident in Paris happened I thought I’m going to have to stop joking about these things for a bit. Then I thought no fuck it that’s what ISIS wants. So fuck that. Incidentally who wants to see my tattoo of Mohammed?
So I’ve just come back from the Edinburgh festival. I don’t know if you know but Edinburgh is famous for firing a cannon at 1-oclock every day. I’ve no idea why. Boom its 1-oclock, get back to work you fucking alcoholics, or something like that.
Thing is one day I was up near the castle and a bunch of Americans were getting shown around, and I don’t think they’d been warned about our cannon or maybe it’s these days of heightened terror alerts. But when the gun went off they nearly all hit the deck.
It made me think wouldn’t it be fun to just set your watch and just before it went bang sneak up behind them and shout ALLAHU AKBAR!

ICE BUCKET.
Don’t really do that by the way, fuck you do that you’ll end up in Guantanamo doing a very long and drawn out version of the ice bucket challenge.

PANDAS.
So the war on terror that’s going well, it’s been a bit like the war on drugs. We should have a war on Pandas they’d be everywhere.

RECAP.
Lets have a quick recap on how that’s working out. So we initially armed some “rebels” to overthrow the Syrian government, but those “rebels” turned out to be ISIS. ISIS are a direct result of our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq against the Taliban . Now we’re hoping to form a coalition with the Taliban to overthrow ISIS and keep the Syrian government in place.
Thank Christ Medal of Honour was never that confusing. Mind you I’ve never had to defend an oil well while playing that online. How confusing would that be? Press button X for the truth…

JIHADI JOHN.
Six hours before Paris happened we we’re bragging about how we’d taken down Jihadi John. Well there’s a hardon that quickly went a bit Susan Boyle.
Security services said should we have detected Jihadi John earlier?…Well, I thought the name was a bit of a give away.